Husband always leaving - scriptural grounds for divorce?

[ilovejesus]

Hi everyone,

I know that I posted a similar question previously, but I am just wondering if I have scriptural grounds to divorce my husband if he moves out every time things get rough. He is gone again. This time he refuses to do counselling and take care of our children. He is enjoying his freedom and this is the fifth time he has moved out (ranging from 3-6 month time spans) and we've only been married a couple years. We've tried counselling many times and he doesn't want to do it anymore. He tells me to move on with my life because he doesn't want to be with me anymore, and I am wondering if God would be angry with me if I filed for divorce. I feel like my H has me and the children as his backup plan to run back to if his single and independent lifestyle doesnt work out for him. This has been going on for far too long - he is a very selfish man. He has his own place and has told me that he is moving to another province soon.

I also know that there is a Scripture in the Bible that makes reference to if the unbeleiver leaves, then to let him because we are called to live in peace. What is the definition of an "unbeleiver" in this Scripture? I ask because although my H was baptized a few years ago, his actions do not line up with being a Christian.

And also, what are the spiritual repercussions of getting divorced? If I do, will God be so angry that he will not allow me to remarry and be happy? Or will I have to suffer in life because He hates divorce?

Please let me know what you think....

[Elligirl]

I am so sorry to hear you are having to go through this. Yes the Bible tells us if an unbeliever wants to leave we are not to try and stop them.
Just because someone was baptized does not make them a believer.

I would advise that the first thing you do is pray. Ask the Father what He would have you do.

[SAM]

This is the fifth time he has moved out (ranging from 3-6 month time spans.

Scripture points to adultery as scriptural grounds for divorce -
Matthew 5:31-32

Most of us thing of adultery as sexual in nature, or in many cases today - emotional adultery. Scripture speaks about spiritual adultery too.

Christ speak the following words in James 4:4 -

You adulterers! Don't you realize that friendship with the world makes you an enemy of God. I say it again: If you want to be a friend of this world, you make yourself an enemy of God.


The Message translation puts it this way -

You're cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. And do you suppose God doesn't care? The proverb has it that "he's a fiercely jealous lover." And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you'll find. It's common knowledge that "God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble."

Unfortunately, people do have spouses who have chosen to follow the desires and draw of this world.

I cannot know if your husband has given his heart to Christ. People do get baptized, but that doesn't always mean they are believers. Sometimes it is done with the wrong motives or a push from family members. Being baptized does not "save" you.

From what you describe, he is very far from God. He continues to abandon you and your children by walking away for months at a time.
If this were a 1 time situation, I would recommend waiting it out. But, you are stating this is the 5th time in a very short period of marriage.

Do I think God would be angry with you? No.

Spend the time you need with a counselor so you better understand yourself and how to make better choices in the future to avoid destructive patterns. Be careful that you do not involve yourself in another relationship for 2-3 years. The healing of yourself and care your children is your first priority, not another man in your life.

[ilovejesus]

Thank you so much for your responses. I only want to do what is right in the sight of God, and when I made vows to stick by my husband for better or for worse I took it seriously. I just dont see how I can try to save my marriage when I'm the only one willing to try and make it work. I am going to start counselling shortly in order to start the healing process. Thank you again and please pray for me and the children.

[charity1]

ilovejesus,
Please read all the verses in the Bible regarding divorce and remarriage. Study them carefully. Yes, I Corinthians 7 says we aren't under bondage if our unbelieving spouse wants to leave, but I take that to mean that we have no ultimate control in whether our spouse stays or leaves. God won't hold us responsible for that. However, He will hold us responsible for how we interact with our spouse. The believing wife is to live a life that will win her husband to Christ. He should be able to see Christ living in her. Unfortunately admiration and respect are usually the first to slip in marriage. Spouses get busy in life and forget to build each other up. Eventually we get to where we can only point out faults in our spouses, not their good qualities. That's when marriages tend to fall apart. No matter how badly your husband talks to you, you should answer him as kindly as possible. A kind word turns away anger. It would be a good idea every chance you get to point out some specific good quality that you really miss about him. Remind him of what you used to love about him. Not in an accusing way, but in a wistful way, like you wish you could get that back. God loved us while we were sinners. We need to love our spouses even when they are unloveable. Under no circumstances should you be the one to file for divorce. If he wants out permanently, then that should be on his head, not yours. In order to please God, you will need to honor the covenant you made with your husband before Him and do everything in your power to make your marriage work. You won't have to answer for your husband's actions on the day of judgment, but you will have to answer for your own.

Personally I believe James 4:4 in calling the people adulterers is comparing their spiritual unfaithfulness to God to physical unfaithfulness in marriage because that is a betrayal the people could easily understand. According to Matthew 5:32 and Matthew 19:19 fornication or sexual immorality is the only grounds for divorce and is the adultery God recognizes as an exception for divorce (and remarriage). Even if your husband chooses to leave and divorce you, please be very careful about remarrying. I would be scared to death to divorce and remarry under any circumstances other than continuous, unrepentant sexual immorality. That's why I say, please study your Bible carefully.

My advice to you is pray constantly, study your Bible, live as righteously as possible, and love your husband unconditionally. Then be still and see what God does. You and your husband are both very young and so are your children. Divorce is not the easy way out, even though the devil will try his best to convince you it is. Turn your marriage and your life over to God and trust Him. He can work in ways that you never dreamed possible. I'm praying for you.

[ilovejesus]

Charity1,

Thank you for your insightful message. It's not that I don't love him, but what do you suggest when a spouse feels that he can walk in and out of his families' life whenever he wants? I love him because he is the father of my children and we have been together for so long, but when I think about him I feel numb because he has put me through so much. God hates divorce but is He not a God of forgiveness and mercy? Me and my husband were advised by Christian leaders that we should not have gotten married in the first place - so was this marriage not destined to work out from the beginning? I mean, me and my husband are complete opposites and cannot agree on anything.

I know exactly what mistakes I made by marrying him (we were unequally yoked from the beginning), and realize that we had not spent enough time getting to know each other before we got married. Please dont take me saying that I want to divorce my husband as me making excuses just so that I can have an easy way out of my marriage - I am always willing to stay faithful to promises that I make and if I were to wait for him to come back for the sixth time, it would only be the committment that I made to God that would make me stay in the marriage.

Your response implies that I should wait for him to change. I know that God can make the imposible possible, but in the meanwhile, my H is hurting me and confusing the children by continually leaving then coming back. This is now routine behavior - he cannot handle pressure at all.If I were to remarry I would know exactly what to look for and look out for. And by the way, my husband does not exhibit any of the traits that I now know are ones that I would look for in a man. The only trait I admire in my husband is that he was very helpful around the house...but that is all and I am not trying to be mean. And I am not looking to get into another relationship anytime soon....my priorities are to become closer to God and take care of my children.

How long is a reasonable time to wait for my H to come to his senses? How many more times should I allow him to come back only to leave again?

[charity1]

ilovejesus,
I'm not saying he should come and go as he pleases. I think someone has already suggested the book, "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. You should definitely stand up for yourself and not let him mistreat you or the children, but divorce should be the very last resort after everything you can possibly think of has been done, and then he should be the one to end it because you aren't responsible if the unbeliever chooses to leave you. It sounds like he is trying to make you do the dirty work. Don't fall for it. He should be the one responsible for destroying the family permanently, not you.

I believe if I were in your situation I would change the locks on the doors and tell him that when he can come home once and for all and be the kind of husband and father he should be that then I would consider letting him come back. I would state just like you have here that it isn't fair to you or the children for him to waltz in and waltz out. The door is not a revolving door. See what can be done legally in the meantime to make him support the children. They are his responsibility no matter where he is living. If at some point he acts interested in coming back, then you could try "dating" for a while to see what kind of change may have come about because nothing is impossible with God. I'm not judging you. Maybe you shouldn't have married him in the first place, but once you did, you two both made a covenant before God that you would love, honor and cherish each other 'til death do you part. You've had children with him, so it sounds like you thought you were together to stay. If you aren't interested in a relationship with another man, then there shouldn't be a big hurry. You have the rest of your life. Another man should be the last thing on your mind at this point. Why not give your husband a chance to grow up? Obviously he needs to. Think about the day you married him. You probably never dreamed in a million years things could get this bad, but the fact that that was possible makes it possible that you two could eventually work things out and be happy. It would take effort on both your parts, but it can be done. As you stated, God is a God of forgiveness and mercy, and He expects us to be forgiving and merciful too. All I'm saying is that the way I see marriage in the Bible, there aren't any do-overs except maybe in the case of sexual immorality, and even then I personally believe every effort should be made to work things out. I'm not someone who has their head in the sand and doesn't know what it's like to be hurt by a spouse, I am living it. That's why I found this forum. We are in recovery and are closer and more satisfied with each other than we've ever been, so I know for a fact anything is possible with God. I'm not telling you to do anything I'm not doing myself.

Obviously it is your life and you can do whatever you want to, I'm just afraid that in years to come you will see things that could have been handled differently. I hear people that are divorced say all the time, "If I had known then what I know now, things might have been different." Maturity can change people. As I've stated before, read your Bible carefully, pray and be still. Don't go by human emotions, go by God's words, then you can't go wrong.

[Joan73193]

Hi. My reaction to what you write is, listen to your heart.
What do YOU want to do?
Don't let someone else tell you what to do.
Did you say whether your husband is Christian?

Definitely things need to change. It is NOT ok to move out at a whim. My husband has done the same to me, 5 times, so I can relate.

Another thing that strikes me HUGELY is TALK, TALK & TALK SOME MORE.
I am new to this group but if you want to be a stander, there are groups you can get support from. My husband came back the 6th time & we are having trouble again, we've been together 3 & 1/2 years. BUT, as to other advice here, PRAY!!! Ask God what to do.
The last time my husband left me God told me to let go... I really had no choice as I was begging him not to leave... but I was EXHAUSTED with the fighting & nothing seemed to change. Each time he moved out I asked him not to...
If it were me I would keep seeking supports as you are here...
like one lawyer told me when I sought counsel when he left last time...
you don't EVER have to file... EVER. it is separate maintenance when one is not living with a spouse ...
Just don't rush ANYTHING... as you see that he impulsively moves out...
& doesn't work THRU things.... try to be strong & stable & just pray & seek support. I didn't want a divorce & I will not divorce my husband. I love him.. he is a Christian man... there are things I want & need in a marriage... but hon, just pray & seek supports, listen to God. It's up to YOU... between you & Him.
Take care & praying for you!!!
Joan

[SAM]

Welcome Joan - we are so glad to have you join us at GT Community.

I am so sorry to hear about the circumstances with your husband. I will be praying for you and your marriage.

I just finished reading a new book this past week by Margaret Feinberg called The Sacred Echo - awesome book! She writes about how God echoes to us through scripture (highlight one or two sentences that stick out to you each day) and how we get echoes from God through other Christians in our lives.

Ladies, I am with you for standing strong for your marriages. However, I do not believe God wants you to be floormats to your husband's whims. He wants you to be women who are strong and smart and who protect yourselves and your children. There should not be a revolving door for your husbands to come and go as they please.

The reason for the constant back and forth is, they are allowed to come home when they please without any consequences. Before they can come home, there has to be stipulations for counseling, accountability, church attendance as a family, dating between the two of you... and absolutely no sex. Sex between you resolves nothing - it continues the cycle of not dealing with the issues in your marriage. This may take 6 months to a year. If your husbands are willing to walk the path...then they can come home. Until then, they have to find their own way.

I have a very dear friend who waited five years for things to change with her husband. He was a habitual cheater. He eventually left to live with another woman - that was the final straw. He is the one who filed for divorce then married the other woman right away.

[j3anjean]

God is far more interested in developing your character than He is in your happiness. True joy, real happiness are a result of your character development. But, character is often developed through suffering. We humans are funny that way. We learn the hard way.

It is not that I think that God does not want you to be happy. I know he does but perhaps he is testing your character, your obedience to his word, your faith. You are accountable for your life. You are responsible for obeying his holy word even when things are hard, even when things aren't fair, even when others betray you and let you down. When you feel like you are most alone is when God wants you lean on him, not on your own desires and understandings.

I'm praying for you.

[Just a thought. . .]

ilovejesus-

After reading about your situation and all the advice you've been given up to this point I realized why I found the "growthtrac" newsletter in my junkmail folder this morning.

First of all, I am sorry for the situation you are in. While my wife and I have our problems through the years (and some never end) they have never reached the level you are experiencing.

My parents are divorced and my mom remarried an incredible man, the man I call dad. My father cheated on my mother several times and my mom begged him to divorce her because she was concerned with the consequences of being the one to file. After years of this mental, spiritual, and physical abuse my father would not file the papers.

When my parents got married both were Christians. However, they too, were unequally yoked. My mom was the witness to my father- he was saved through her testimony. His passion for Christ and His will was strong for a time, then he turned his focus on his own desires. After a time of waiting, patience, and lots of suffering, my mom realized what she had to do. She filed for divorce, not because she wanted to, but because she had to. Staying with my father was the worst thing she could have done to me- not that the divorce wasn't hard on me, because it was, but she had to make a decision- my and her well-being or continuing in the downward spiral that was her life.

You asked, I believe, in your first post, if God would be angry with you for divorcing your husband. I say no, not at all. I understand that scripture says only adultery is grounds for divorce. As another poster stated, your husband is committing spiritual and emotional adultery. I also understand that our God is an angry God, but HIS anger is focused on our actions, not our spirits, souls, or hearts. God does not judge us by what we do, but by why we do it. Sure, God hates divorce, as he hates murder, rape, robbery, and lies. Yet our God forgives those who partake in these actions just as He forgives those who cheat on a test, steal cable from their neighbors, or take the extra change from the cashier at the grocery store. Sin is sin. Your husband seems to be living in sin, and if he's not willing to admit to and then change there's not much you can do.

You can choose to wait it out, pray and believe that your husband will change. Or, you can do what needs to be done- cut him off, change the locks, and eventually divorce him. Neither option is easy or fair. One thing to keep in mind, though, is your children. Be honest with your children. Tell them what's going on. Of course, I say this without knowing their ages, but I remember my mom telling me certain things, details, about why she had to leave my father, and while at the time it was extremely difficult I now apprecciate how candid she was with me (I was 5-6 at the time).

I believe that our responsibilities lie in this order- God, Family, everything else. If your husband isn't following God (which it appears he is not) then he can't make it to the next step and take care of his family. While I understand your concern in divorcing him I also believe that God desires for each of us to be happy. While God expects us to take responsibility for our actions I don't believe he desires for us to suffer any more than is necessarry. You believe it was a mistake to marry your husband. If you can't fix the mistake with him you may have to fix it without him.

The fact that your husband believes he can leave home and stay somewhere else for months at a time shows he is not a man who cares for anyone aside from himself. I have been tempted, at times, to leave home for a night or two, but when I think about it I realize that A) I really don't want to, B) Doing so won't solve the problem, C) Doing so would likely scar my children, and that's something I can't do intentionally.

Again, neither choice is easy, and neither will be simple. Pray, read your Bible, and talk to anyone you can that you trust to determine what is the right course of action, but remember, at this point your happiness is second to the security and success your children need.

[ilovejesus]

Wow...thank you all for your responses. I appreciate each and every one.

Charity1: I have read Dr. Dobson's book but am aware that the rpinciples only apply if the spouse who left actually wants to make it work. My H is constantly telling me to divorce him, and I've told him that he cant come as he pleases. He loves it when I tell him that because it gives him an excuse to stay away for as long as he likes without seeing me and the children. That way, he is able to tell people that I don't want him to come back - he is such an actor. I know my H so well, and I know that he is trying to prove to me, himself and everyone that he can make it on his own. What he really wants is to accomplish material things in life eg. cars, a house, lots of money, etc. - too much to get into right now, but he feels he has something to prove to the world. I know that the situation that SAM mentioned with the H leaving his wife for another woman and then filing later on really sounds like something my H will do. He wants to attract females with all this material stuff, and then when he has the financial resources and he feels needed because of them, he will divorce me so fast.

Why should I wait for this to happen to me? He doesn't care about the children, and he only calls me late at night to tell me that he misses me and wants to come over to "talk." Like , please.
I have been praying about the situation, and although I feel sadness at the thought of ending the marriage, I feel at peace with the decision. Is divorce another sin that gets cast into the sea of forgetfulness?

Just a thought: Your post totally touched me and I had tears in my eyes while I was reading it. I was also the one to witness to my H and he was also very involved in the church at first. But then he started getting selfish and not liking the responsibility of being a father, and started leaving whenever we had problems. He knows that I love the Lord and do not want to do anything that will go against the will of God, and that is why he is leaving it on me to file. He wants me to feel guilty and condemned, and in the end just wants to be able to tell people that I am the one who filed for divorce and it is all my fault that the marriage is over.

It kills me everyday when the kids ask for their dad...I dont know what to tell them. But if you were able to understand at such a young age what was going on, I guess I can also explain to them what is happening. My Christian friends are telling me to divorce him...theyve seen first hand how he has treated me and have told me that my marriage is not even like a marriage because my H is never there. He is rude, disrespctful and dodges all responsibility. He works under the table so that I cannot get child support from him....he gets paid cash and does not even buy diapers. However, I am not too concerned about the financial aspect at this point. I just want to get out of this situation. It is draining me and I pray that I will be able to find a man as wonderful as you describe.

Was your biological father in the picture?

Thank you to everyone else who responded to my post. God bless you all. Please continue to pray for me, and if you cann add anything else please do so.

[SAM]

It's hard to wait on the Lord and his timing. We have such a tendency to want to push ahead of Him and rush things along. It is called impatience.

All I can tell you is, in my life, God's timing has always been perfect. It is never easy waiting, but I am always grateful when I do. Reason being: God loving provides more for me than I ever asked him for initially.

Is there a reason to rush this decision?

[ilovejesus]

Well, kind of. I'm thinking about moving...far from where I am now. There are more opportunities for me to focus on music. I don't want to leave any loose ends when I go. So I guess I can say that that is part of it. But you think I'm rushing everything? When do I know when to go or whether I should stay? What is a fair amount of time to wait?

[Just a thought. . .]

ilovejesus-

I'm, glad my words were words of encouragement. You asked if my father was in the picture. Not exactly. My parents divorced in 1984. Since then I've seen my father a total of 5-6 times. I last spoke with him 2 years ago and he said to me "You sound different. I missed out on a lot, not that I'm sorry, I just missed a lot." I've got a brother, 16, whom I've never met but have spoken with a few times recently. I've also got a half-sister who I know and grew up with but who has been through more problems than most. She lost custody of all her children, 3 from 2 different fathers, and is only recently maintaining some sort of employment and semi-normal lifestyle after years of substance abuse stints of incarceration.

I truly believe my father's way of life, attitude, etc. . .is largely responsible for the life my sister has lived. Sure, we're all responsible for our own actions, but no matter how hard we try we will always be like our parents in one way or another.

I am a prime example of this. Like I said before, my father cheated on my mother several times before she finally called it quits. Well, I grew up to be like my father in many ways, despite the fact that he didn't raise me. I, too, am an adulterer, a few times over. When I came around and confessed this to my wife I fully expected her to cut me out of her life- in fact, that's what I wanted, or so I thought. I even had the divorce papers all filled out and sitting in our house for some time. Thank God, and I mean that literally, I didn't file them.

This Sunday will mark our 12th anniversary- we have four children, the most recent of which will be fully adopted in a month or so (by the way, I live in Peru, South America- while I don't have an official title most people call me a missionary).

My point is this- even though my father didn't raise me I picked up many of his bad habits and have had to battle with them my entire life. My Dad (the man my mom married years after her divorce) taught me a great many things and I love him more than words can describe. Still, my father had an influence on my life, and part of the reason is because my mom held out so long.

I respect the advice of SAM- don't rush this decision. We, as adults and Christians, must live with the decisions we make. Yet, keep in mind the example your children are getting from your husband. They will carry this character trait with them no matter what you do, but if you continue to let him be an influence in their life (and yours) it will only strengthen the influence and increase the chances that your children will either experience a similar life you are now in or will act in a similar manner as your husband.

Again, God hates divorce, but He hates the suffering of innocents even more. If you're children are suffering and you are the only one that can protect them you must!! If you're husband refuses to do so, refuses to even try, he has no business with you or them.

Now, in regards to the actual divorce, if you can wait it out a while you should. However, if you are planning on moving out of the state in which you and your husband currently live you may find yourself in a difficult position. Your husband will continue to have legal rights to your children despite his lack of involvement or support. He may be able to use this against you were the two of you to actually divorce in the future, so consider this carefully and consult legal counsel. You've said that he wants you to file because he wants to blame you- if this is the case and he is this sort of man he will certainly use your moving away against you.

I hope and pray you can find resolution. Remember, no matter what, your children are the priority, not your happiness, that of your husband, or anyone else. God created us as His children, in his image. He wants us to be happy, and as we are of His image we should want our children to be happy.

God Bless!!