Growthtrac Community

[ladyt]

My 16 yr old is a victim of clergy abuse and we are heading toward a trial. The news media got a copy of the evidence released last week and it was on the news for two days. The day after my daughter was very happy and jolly which made me suspicious.

I was on the phone at 9:00 pm and when I got off at 9:20 the lights were out and that is not like her to be in bed at that time. I got up and her door was closed. I knocked and then walked in only to see her lying in bed with a 20 yr old watching a movie. I made him leave. I was too upset to chat with her then. I went to bed letting her know we'd chat the next morning. Well I got up at 6 am and wen to her room but she was not there. I then busted the door pen to the guest bedroom and there they were again! I wanted to beat both of them to a pulp and probably would have but I just got out of the hospital having major surgery so my movement is slow and I cannot raise my arms or lift anything right now.

I called police and eventually got in touch with his parents who came over to personally apologize. I also called her dad and he finally came over after several unanswered calls while police were here.

My dau counselor says she needs consistent consequences and I agree, however all these years her dad and I did not see discipline in the same light. When he would punish her, I'd stick by him. When I would punish her he'd change it and she saw this and even cried one day but that did not make my H see it any different.

My dau is in counseling and I will keep her there, although I feel her behavior is escalating. My h never admits his wrong and neither does my dau. God help me as a single parent. Her dad tries to be her friend since he stop talking to me in March. So we lived in the same house in separate room from March to June before he was legally put out. He even discusses our divorce issues with her but has not been willing to discuss with me. What a shame.

[SAM]

In our state, maybe not yours, a 16-year old is still a minor and a 20 ye-old would be in trouble for statuatory rape.

Consider the installation of an alarm on the windows and doors of the house with a control panel in your bedroom. They can be armed in the evening, even though you are in the house. This will give you peace of mind that no one is coming in, and no one is going out. I always knew what time my daughter came home, because it would peep in the bedroom.

Her behavior is escalating because of the abuse and the divorce. She is crying out for love, and feels the way to get it, is through the attention of men.

I am continuing to lift you and your daughter up in prayer.

[ladyt]

I agree SAM. I'm looking for a cost effective alarm system. Since I do not have a clue when I'm getting a hearing on temporary support. Should be w/in 30 days. Divorce could take 6 months to a year according to court administrator. She said they don't don't have enough space for all the divorces that are taking place. Sad!!! Its so sad to see my H in such a state. The news broke of all the evidence they have against my former pastor and instead of him calling to see how our dau reacted to the news, he calls her to tell her about I filed for divorce!

[km]

A yappy little dog is one of the best alarm systems out there. You might keep that in mind while comparing systems.

You didn't mention the level of the misconduct going on (I am guessing fairly major from the whole scenario you set out - that requires some fairly serious discipline/changes to routines).

[ladyt]

Good idea if I was into pets. We have a half fence so he like the dog next door would bark at everything.

I'm sure the 2nd time the boy came back something may have happened but I caught them watching a movie. I grounded her for a week, took her cell and no phone or outings for a week. Her counslor thought that was too harsh but stood I stood my grounds. Too harsh would have been me beating the mess out of her and him.

[km]

A week doesn't sound unduly harsh to me - it might even be mild.

I take it then that they were clothed both times you walked in, with no obvious evidence of anything otherwise? In that case, a week sounds very reasonable to me.

[ladyt]

Yes they were clothed both times although the door was looked the 2nd time but I burst through. It was right after her part of her journal was aired on the news. Although her name was not mentioned she feels everyone knows its her and they don't. I can't imagine what she was thinking when she saw her handwriting on that paper on the news. Sexual abuse can be demeaning to a young girl and especailly from a man of the cloth, so I did not want to just crash down too hard on her, but the old me would have busted her head open and his too.

She seems remorseful and has not had an attitude since being caught. The boy leaves Thurs to go back to college and she asked me could she see him in my presence by then. I have not answered her.

[rdsmith3]

Good idea if I was into pets. We have a half fence so he like the dog next door would bark at everything.

I'm sure the 2nd time the boy came back something may have happened but I caught them watching a movie. I grounded her for a week, took her cell and no phone or outings for a week. Her counslor thought that was too harsh but stood I stood my grounds. Too harsh would have been me beating the mess out of her and him.

I agree that this seems very reasonable. Good for you for doing this. Kids need structure, rules and boundaries, and need to know that they will be enforced, and there are consequences for violating the rules. That is how life works, and that is how our heavenly Father deals with us. Some kids do not get this because their parents do not drill in this message. As you noted, you cannot be your kids' friend until they are older and living on their own.

[km]

I might be willing to let her see him - in your presence - unless you have a particular issue with him other than the misconduct you've noted here (you don't want to turn it into a Romeo & Juliet forbidden romance sort of thing that drives her to him).

[rdsmith3]

Were you aware of this boyfriend before this incident? In other words, is he a long-time, always-together sort of boyfriend, or is he just a recent one that got her attention?

If he is more of a long-time friend, then I tend to agree with km that it might be wise to let her see him, supervised, before he goes off. Unfortunately, (or maybe fortunately) if he is going away to college he may forget about her anyway.

If he is just a recent connection, then I am not sure it makes sense for her to see him again.

[ladyt]

She's known him in 9th and 10th grade but just started dating about 2 months ago. I have spoken to him once on the phone but met him face to face the night of the incident. He leaves back for college which is 6 hours from here. His parents are youth counselors at a local church. He's well-mannered and has not been in any trouble until the incident at my house.

But she will have another boyfreind while he's away although she claims she won't. I know her better than she knows herself. She has open, empty condom wrappers and some unopened in her drawer. I cannot force her to take birth control and she does not want any. She denies being sexually active.

[km]

The condom wrappers would be a very big red flag to me. They really aren't good for anything else. Verbal denials are fairly hollow against that.

[rdsmith3]

ladyt

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this at the same time as separation/divorce and your operation.

I pray that the Lord with strengthen you and heal you, and that He will give you the wisdom to make wise choices as a parent. I pray that you will have the right balance of love and truth with your daughter. I also pray that God will touch your daughter's heart and she will realize that only God can fill that hole she has right now; only He can give her the complete fulfilling love that she is seeking.

[ladyt]

Thanks for those encouraging words. I do tell her that only God can fill the voids in our lives but you know how young people are. I was once there. It's in her but it may show itself later in life. I pray that its not too late when she does realize it.

I contunue stand in the gap for her as well as keep set boundaries.