Growthtrac Community

[Elephants]

My husband and I have been married for five years. I have researched and talked to many church officials regarding what is appropriate between a husband and wife in the bedroom. From what I gather as long as both parties are willing and comfortable with an act between just the two of them and all acts are performed out of love and consideration for each other, then it's acceptable. What I am having an issue with is the fact that I was raised in a home where sex was "naughty" and things associated with sex were considered bad.

My husband wants me to be more "adventurous" in our physical relationship. There are things that he would like to do that I have honestly tried, even though I wasn't sure about trying them. I have decided after a few times of trying some of the things he'd like to do, that these are just outside of my boundaries. I am uncomfortable doing these things.

Is it a sin to deny my husband certain acts? Should I just submit to him? I feel violated and ashamed when we attempt some of the things that he'd like to do.

Don't get me wrong, we aren't having just vanilla intercourse, there is a lot of spice there.... I just don't know if I should be at a place spiritually that would allow me to open up and give in to these requests or if it's okay for me to not want to venture any farther.

I'm at a complete loss and feel as though I can not do anything right.

[SAM]

If something brings you shame or guilt, then no, it is not appropriate in the bedroom - and your husband will need to let go of his fantasies in order to honor and cherish you as his bride. If it causes you emotional or physical pain, then it is not OK.

I feel violated and ashamed when we attempt some of the things that he'd like to do.

He is to love you as Christ loves the church - so shame, begging, pleading, guilt, coercion, etc. do not belong.

If you read Song of Songs, God's desire is for us to be creative and loving. It is not to fill us with shame. You are doing well in loving your husband if you are willing to try something new a couple of times. If you simply don't enjoy it and are filled with shame afterward, then it's important for you to let your husband know how you feel. He needs to be understanding.

[km]

SAM is correct there. But I am going to make a further suggestion - make some effort to expand your horizons.

Guilt and shame are sometimes signs that you have ventured into areas where you shouldn't be. They can also be signs that you ventured into an area where you were told you shouldn't be, when you actually ought to be there (or are at least free to venture there without any need for guilt or shame).

If he isn't looking to open your bedroom to others (in person or by porn) and isn't looking to do things that are physically painful or emotionally abusive, then you shouldn't have guilt or shame over them. Over time, you can work to change your attitudes towards such things so as to ease your way (as slowly as needed for your comfort levels) into a place of a mutually acceptable compromise middle ground you can both be happy with.

My wife apears to come from a mental place where all things sexual are essentially and inherently dirty and thus bad/wrong (other than kissing and hugging). Anything other than the intercourse needed to get her the children she wanted was a battle (and that wasn't particularly easy with no foreplay being allowed). My desire for anything casts me as some sort of pervert. I battle mightily to deal with that sort of arrangement on a long term basis and often dispair of the marriage really lasting. or my ability to resist a well aimed temptation in this area.

If you try to make him live with the 'lowest common denominator" (i.e. only what you want now), rather than getting yourself over time to a middle ground position where both of you feel that there has been reasonable accomodation of the desires of each, your marriage will be far from the level of satisfaction either of you will want - and the chances of him having a moral failure somewhere along the way will increase greatly.