Growthtrac Community

[ladyt]

I have done my best to be as patient as I could possibly be. Since my H and I split up, my daughter has been testing me beyond the limits. We have a set of rules in writing and the consequences of breaking them are next to it. I have this b/c she tends to have amnesia.

She has ran away soooo many times and most the times she has stayed with guys, some she knew and some she did not.

She consistently breaks the rules and blames me for all that she does. Today she set something up with a friend only for me to find out that it was a lie, so I'm not sure who she is with. I texted her and asked her to call and she said she did not have minutes to call.

Were she said she was, I went to that subdivision and she did not come out of that subdivision, so that was a lie. She has been doing this for 2 years since her dad ordered her to break a rule in order to show me what he says goes. This year was worse than last year.

I asked her where the 2nd cell phone was and he told me last night she threw it away. LIE! I just found it in the corner of her head board of her bed. She lies so much and wonders why I do not trust her.

Tonight since she knows I went to look for her, she said she was not coming home. I have locked my garage door. Done being stepped on my teen. She will be 17 in less than 60 days and told someone on the phone that I was tripping and told me I was too dramatic.

Earlier this year she hit me and I called police but they said she looks like she's a good kid so they just talked to her.

Three counselors says she is treating me like her dad treats me and more so now since he’s not here.

She stole from a dept store and was arrested earlier this year. She still does not see that as a serious event. She'll have to learn the hard way.

Normally I call and call and then she comes home with an attitude but tonight I did not call and will not call.

Tomorrow is the first day of school. She'll have to learn that being grown is not all its cracked up to be. She refuses to obey and only obeys the rules when she wants something from me.

[SAM]

Have you been able to speak with a counselor about her?
So, that as a parent, you have the skills and consequences layed out.

I ask this, because I went for counseling with my daughter then spent some time with separate sessions on my own. It helped me to see her
side and also to see where I needed to ease up or bring the hammer down.

I found I was so busy punishing her, that we were no longer interacting with respect toward each other.

This time with our kids is so exasperating. But, I urge you to not stick your head in the sand hoping her issues will go away. As hard as it is, keep parenting and keep praying for her.

Our children will not always do as we ask. They will not always follow God's ways. We still need to love them anyway. Kind of like our own personal relationship with God at times.

I will continue to lift you and your daughter up in prayer - and especially pray for her safety. She will learn the consequences. And, unfortunately, as painful as it is for you to watch - she may have to learn the hard way.

But, she needs to know she has someone who still loves her no matter what.

[ladyt]

I have spoke to her counselor and she said that I needed to be consistent with the consequences. I am, however my daughter talks back and when she has to do something she takes her time doing it if she does it at all.

I do not hold grudges when she does something. Yesterday I took her out to breakfast, picked her friend up and dropped them to the bowling alley to meet friend. Then I picked them up and bought dinner.

As long as I'm doing what she wants, she's ok. When she doesn't like something she was to be defiant. Trust me I have bent over backwards. I have been teaching her to drive. She took my car while I was in the hospital and she only has a permit.

She got paid Tues $411 and bough $109 of school stuff and the rest is gone but she won't tell me what she did with he ** b/c she says its none of my business. Sounds familiar. Her dad use to tell me that about his money.

Her counselor says she'll be fine but I'm afraid that she only tells her counselor what she wants to hear. Her counselor thought the 7 days of no privileges for having a boy in our home and in her bed was too harsh! I do not think it was harsh enough. She breaks my trust and wants the trust back the next day. Not going to happen.

The boy I kicked out of the house twice last week came over on Thurs unannounced. She acted surprised and was not to have gone outside to talk with him as she was on a week punishment from having him in her bedroom twice in a 24 hr period, however she went out and talked with him anyway.

I do love her but will not be stepped on. I have been reading the book "Parenting Your Out-of-Control Teenager" and feel I'm doing pretty good as I have ended the button pushing game. I state the behavior and the consequence and walk away, no discussions but she does what she wants anyway and I will not have it.

She's texting two guys to say she's pregnant for them and one is in college and one is about to go into the Navy. She also has a chart depicting the month she will get pregnant and the delivery month. She also has written down leaving our home next Oct but she doesn't graduate until June 2010! I can't stand the lies and blatant deception.

[SAM]

That is a great book.

You do have an option to not let her get her license, or at least delay it. Because of consequences with my daughter, her license was delayed in getting her license for 6 months. It is the most important thing in their lives to have, so she was pretty compliant during these months.

Unfortunately, she has had a very good teacher with her father. And, since she has seen horrible behavior modeled, she feels it is acceptable.

Continue to be the parent she so desperately needs. It's great to hear you are working with her counselor.

[ladyt]

Yes it is a good book. I just spoke with her mgr on her job and she says that my dau left early Sat b/c she wanted to. She did not ask to leave early just left. I arranged with her mgr to pick up her check myself and deposit it in the bank.

Police came by to do a report but called the school and she is in school, praise God. She has to learn how to deal with her anger.

She will not control me like her father did. I know if she did not have me, no telling where she'd be right now.

I want to give up but won't. I know this strom shall pass. Its just that I'm dealing with multiple storms right now.

I'm going to use the license consequence. Thanks!

[SAM]

Our counselor with our daughter once told us, "You can keep heaping on the consequences and get to the point where your child will feel like they are living in a prison. That will accomplish nothing."

She's the one who suggested waiting on the driver's license. We never gave our daughter a set of her own car keys. If she did not come home when told to, she lost her driving priviledges. It's a great motivator for a teen.

[ladyt]

So if we have rules, written and have discussed and she breaks them daily, are you saying don't give her the consequences because its too much? My daughter's love is the phone so that is what I use. She doesn't want to be punished for one hour.

Yesterday was 1 of 2 days of being grounded and she confronted me about her phone and told me in a loud screaming voice "Give me the damn phone you f'ing b! Its not in my DNA to let this blatant disrespect go, however I did not respond, nor did I look at her when she said this. She got more angry and stormed out to work because I did not engage her. She looks for ways to engage me so she can hit me but I'm not going to jail over her.

I guess she feels the more she does, this may bring her dad back home. He doesn't want to come back and she must accept that.

Today she came in and did not speak and went into my room searching for her phone. When she did not find it she pushed our stand-up speakers into the wall and left with bags she already had packed.

She has a permit, no license. She drove my car while I was in the hospital but did not feel she should be punished.

[SAM]

I found that we often reacted out of anger rather than good judgment when it came to the antics of our teen daughter.

Our counselor helped us choose our battles. Otherwise, our daughter was in a place where she was continually grounded and disconnected from friends. We could not keep her locked in her bedroom until she turned 18.

Talk with a counselor who will help you set the consequences for her and give you clarity on which battles to fight and which ones to let go. Including how to respond when she speaks to you in the manner she did.

Do you pay the phone bill, or does she?

[ladyt]

Understand your view.

I pay the phone bill. When I take her cell phone for a day or 2, she goes and buys another one.

Its hard to out all of the picture in just a few blogs.

My dau does not respect me, her teachers, nor her manager at work.

She has just become totally disrespectful. She has not been ground in a while until the boy in the bedroom event, then the bad language. She went out with the same boy last Monday, so its not like she is continually grounded.

Her counselor has helped me set consequences. There are 10 posted rules with consequences but she does not care about that either. Unfortunately she has to learn from her own doing.

She left work at 6:40 last night and did not return until 9 pm. She did not have permission to leave. Her Mgr told me that last Sat when she was to have worked until 10, my dau decided she was leaving at 6 pm and left b/c she has something to do. (scheme). Yesterday she left and went to put in applications at other jobs while she was to be at her current job. Her mgr also stated that she is always walking around on the phone at work so she cut her hours. I told her if she is still paying her for doing nothing, that's her.

I do not allow her to walk late at night so at 9 pm I called to see if she was ready for me to pick her up and she hung up in my face.
She then came home 30 mins later cursing and calling me names again to get her phone. She then struck me in anger for her phone and I held her as to not get injured. She butted me in my stomach knowing I just had major surgery 4 weeks ago. This morning my stomach hurts and I am awaiting my doctor to call.

Its o much that I cannot type. I have not acted in anger. I speak softly nowadays as not to get my blood pressure up but she does not care.

Her dad went to talk to her and she did not say one word to him either, so I guess he sees what it feels like to talk to someone who doesn't talk back.

She needs to be own her own, go through what she has to go through to get her through what she needs to get through.

The police came and my in-laws. Police, (the same one who has come so many times about her) says when she returns call them and she will be escorted to the Youth Crisis Center. She can only stay a week or two then back home.

She has gotten out of control in the last 18 months and it began before the clergy abuse, except for the physical abuse she displayed in recent days.

I slept with my bedroom door closed and locked Monday night. Most of her friends says she has it mad

[ladyt]

Understand your view.

I pay the phone bill. When I take her cell phone for a day or 2, she goes and buys another one.

Its hard to out all of the picture in just a few blogs.

My dau does not respect me, her teachers, nor her manager at work.

She has just become totally disrespectful. She has not been ground in a while until the boy in the bedroom event, then the bad language. She went out with the same boy last Monday, so its not like she is continually grounded.

Her counselor has helped me set consequences. There are 10 posted rules with consequences but she does not care about that either. Unfortunately she has to learn from her own doing.

She left work at 6:40 last night and did not return until 9 pm. She did not have permission to leave. Her Mgr told me that last Sat when she was to have worked until 10, my dau decided she was leaving at 6 pm and left b/c she has something to do. (scheme). Yesterday she left and went to put in applications at other jobs while she was to be at her current job. Her mgr also stated that she is always walking around on the phone at work so she cut her hours. I told her if she is still paying her for doing nothing, that's her.

I do not allow her to walk late at night so at 9 pm I called to see if she was ready for me to pick her up and she hung up in my face.
She then came home 30 mins later cursing and calling me names again to get her phone. She then struck me in anger for her phone and I held her as to not get injured. She butted me in my stomach knowing I just had major surgery 4 weeks ago. This morning my stomach hurts and I am awaiting my doctor to call.

Its so much that I cannot type. I have not acted in anger. I speak softly nowadays as not to get my blood pressure up but she does not care.

Her dad went to talk to her and she did not say one word to him either, so I guess he sees what it feels like to talk to someone who doesn't talk back.

She needs to be own her own, go through what she has to go through to get her through what she needs to get through.

The police came and my in-laws. Police, (the same one who has come so many times about her) says when she returns call them and she will be escorted to the Youth Crisis Center. She can only stay a week or two then back home.

She has gotten out of control in the last 18 months and it began before the clergy abuse, except for the physical abuse she displayed in recent days.

I slept with my bedroom door closed and locked Monday night. Most of her friends says she has it made.

She wants to be grown. She's told every counselor she hates her mom. Of course she does, I'm the one who follows f/u, takes her places, talk to her about life, talk to her about friends and boyfriends, discipline her, goes to her school for parent-teacher conferences, PTSA meetings, take her to games, so yes she hates that she has to be in check.

[km]

Some very good parents end up with bad kids. Some bad parents end up with good kids. Many parents have a mix of good and bad kids (I seem to have had one of each - though my son seems to have turned around fairly nicely after hitting bottom in his misadventures).

This is going to be a terrible time for a fairly long time while, I wish you well and pray you have the strength to weather it.

[ladyt]

I have been going through so much defiance for the last year and 8 months. Its gets worse each time. She cannot come back here right now.

I just got a call from the Youth Crisis Center stating that she called and said she was safe but wanted to be picked up. He tried to get a address and phone number but she did not give it, stating she'd call back in ten minutes. Well a freind called the Center statiing she was a freind of my dau and that my dau would call within an hour b/c all of the phones in the place where she's at are dead.

I chuckled b/c if all the phones are dead how did the freind know how to call the Center?

More lies and attempt to control things.

[ladyt]

Well my teen went to spend the next several days with her dad. I was not happy about it but at least she is getting to spend time with him.

She was angry when she left and so was I. So I wrote her a letter and then stopped by to visit her today. She was happy to see me and we talked and she began to cry. She says she hates being angry and arguementive. I told her that we are not perfect but we can commit to trying harder. She agreed. I told her I'd do my best to listen more and judge less.

I just did not want her going all weekend thinking about the terms we departed on. She has texted me 5 times since I left her.

Thanks SAM for your words of wisdom. I ordered the book today that you recommended.