Growthtrac Community

[Esgee]

Hi!I'm just wondering how to put the fizz back into my marriage as its a little flat now. We are having financial troubles and I work while my husband is self employed. To top it off we have been living in a 'family house' arrangement with 2 of his brothers since we got married.This year end will make it 5 years. We have a 3 year old son.
I have been disappointed,grouchy,irritable with my hubby for getting on a year now. i feel like I have no home and that the house we live in is a dumping ground for everyone and their mistakes.
This, of course,has gone over into our (almost non-existent)sex life. We dont often have sex and when we do,I never enjoy it. He seems to feel it as he now rarely makes a move.
Its strange: I dont really like sex but I know we need it and I keep hoping tht 'next time' will be better.What do I do (on a practical note inaddition to prayer)?The desire for him is just very low in me.

[SAM]

Welcome - we are so glad to have you be a part of GT Community.
I so appreciate your willingness to lay your concerns out there.

My husband and I were also self-employed several years ago. It takes a toll on a marriage. It did ours. Long hours, no money and no time away.

One of the things we found we had to do, was build "fun" back into our time together. It doesn't have to be expensive - walks, picnics, bike rides, etc. Whatever appeals to both of you. And, I had to encourage my husband to take breaks from the business a few times a week. By finding ways to have fun, it brought back the memories of why we fell in love so many years ago.

Also, after a period of time, I had to encourage my husband to let the business go - we closed it down. It was a loss of his dream, but he realized that we could not continue down the path we were going and have any kind of a normal life as a family. I used to call our business his "mistress" because he spent more time with her than he did me or our children. It didn't take him long to find new work, and he was still able to do the work we did in the business as a side job. He eventually gave it up entirely.

It's time to have a place of your own. If family needs to move out, or you need to move out, make a plan together. Nothing like having family around to lose intimacy. Sex is the oneness God designed to be a part of our marriage. When it disappears from marriage - it leaves the door wide open for temptation to come knocking.

As unspontaneous as it sounds - schedule sex and schedule date nights.
You may have to initiate this for awhile. But, it only takes one person to make a change in marriage. Start with once a week and work up from there. If you plan it - nothing interrupts your time together. Can you come home for lunch, and he comes home for lunch when no one is home? Send text notes, or e-mails that you are looking forward to this time. Anticipating brings excitement back to a love-life.

There is a wonderful book called Red Hot Monogamy by Bill and Pam Farrel that has wonderful cheap ideas for date nights.

Also, when I found my love was running on empty for my husband - my love for Christ was in the same place - empty. When I started reading and praying again - God's love filled me back up to where I could love my husband more. If I am red hot, on fire, in love with Christ - it can't help but overflow into every aspect of the rest of my life - and my sex life.

If we lose site of our "first love", Christ - we often lose our "second love", our spouse.

[Esgee]

Thank you for your thoughts and suggestions!!I really appreciate it!

[km]

Getting out to your own place would be a big help - though maybe not feasible right now.

You should look for (make) opportunities for alone time for you as a couple. There are many inexpensive (or free) things to do - anythong that gets you talking and interacting (instead of passively watching - like at a movie). In urban areas, try going to that neighborhood with the rows of oddball shops (and *) for some window shopping. The goofy things and people you see are a natural for getting the talk going. In rural areas, there are natural scenic spots to view, walk, climb.