Growthtrac Community

[uniqueldy2000]

Approximately 10 years ago I made a promise to God; My next husband was going to be a practicing christian and he was either going to bury me or I him! In those 10 years I have stopped two wedding within 30 & 31 days because they did not comply with my promise to God. I met my husband in a dating web site in mid March '08. He'd sent me an email asking I read his profile and when I did I was impressed with his heading "Rib to give' which gave me the impression this was a man of faith. I replied and he immediately text me. From that point on we got to know each other via numerous daily very long long distance calls, text and emails. It was he who was first to say "I love you" on the phone which surprised me so quickly, but soon I was questioning what I sincerely felt toward this man. We physically met two weeks after our initial contact. At the end of our extremely long first meeting he told me he felt God had brought us together and in His eyes we were already married all we had to do was make it legal in mans eyes. He said he wanted to do it right with a ring when he returned from his trip seeing his son graduate from basic in the Air force. Within days of his return he came and gave me a 1 karat engagement ring. Once engaged he made the two hour trip at least once a week (usually bringing or sending1 to 2 dozen roses) and we started to plan our wedding, future and even had engagement pictures taken. Finally he had asked me to visit him at his home and I did. I knew from what he had told me his wife had died last year and his 22 year old daughter still lived at home. What I did not know at the time and did not find out until after we were engaged was his wife had died Dec. '07, just 3 months before we met and that his daughter did 'nothing' unless it benefited her and even if asked she may or may not do it or half do it. To this & the times she has said when she will be right back & doesn't return for hours he said she has always been like that and he feels it is too late to try to change her! My husband asked many times for three months before I gave in to moving into his home before we married. That is when I saw the man my husband truly was, but stupidly made excuses for his behavior. All of us needs to express what is in us either it be a thought or an opinion. I am unable to do this without my husband going into a yelling and screaming rage because he doesn't believe as I do or believes I am wrong. Just about everything I say which I know to be a fact, he challenges me telling me that can't be right or totally ignoring what I said! Two perfect examples within the last few days are I had sprayed the carpet for fleas. He woke up on the sofa coughing and I told he he needs to go out & get some fresh air in his lungs, he claimed he was alright. I reminded him I had sprayed poison & he really needs to get some fresh air in his lungs, yet he still claimed he was alright. Within a hour he had a severe headache and had trouble with leg cramps. I just got him some Tylenol & told him I hoped he felt better. Later when he complained to still have the headache I offered him some coffee explaining the main ingredient in headache & migraine meds was caffeine. Again he told me that didn't sound right. I took a deep breath & told him since he didn't believe me the next time he was in a drug section to check any migraine or headache OTC medicine. (Mind you, I was a nursing student, had pharmacology & still keep up). In the morning he still had a headache & was now sick to his stomach, yet I said nothing. Common sense would tell you to get fresh air in such a situation but no, I suggested it so I had to be wrong. My feeling and frustrations have surfaced in ways (anger, fear, unable to sleep, chest pain) which are destructive to my being. Several weeks ago my husband told me his deceased wife's twin sister just called & wanted to come over to talk to him and asked if I was going to get up from my nap. I got up soon after she arrived and went out to smoke. They all (daughter, son visiting from Air force, twin sister & my husband) came out to where I was sitting. The twin told me I should leave because she needed to talk to her family & she was sure my husband did not want me to hear what she had to say. God gave me strength as, I told her this was my home & no one tells me where I can or can not be; then my husband took over & told her there was nothing she could say that he would mind me hearing. I was never more proud of him. In a nut shell, the twin sister of my husband's deceased wife reminded him they had set up all night in Jan. 08 talking and he had asked her to marry him. He reminded her they were drinking gin all night too which she denied. Also and most importantly, his daughter went to tears about how he treated her brothers with violence, threats and yelling and how she feared him especially when she was 15 & he treated to punch her in the face. She went on to say she clung to her mother and now that she is gone she doesn't know him. This meeting started out ugly but turned O.K. after I told the twin she needed a hug and put my arms out to her. There is so very much I could say but let me end with, once I moved in he had not cleaned out the dresser drawers or bath room of his dead wife's things and I had to if I wanted a place to put my things away: his step son had called the morning after his sister told him I was here and their father was throwing out their mother's things and that is when the yelling on both their parts began...he no longer has anything to do with his father since so he claims he did not tell him about dating or becoming engaged to me and it was too soon for his to be dating; if I dare say anything to my husband about his daughter not doing anything (not even cleaning her filthy room or bath room) and she has to act like she lives her too he gets angry or becomes silent & distance toward me; though he finally agreed to go after I emailed him there has to be change or this marriage is in serious jeopardy if not doomed, he won't go to counseling to save this marriage. he still get mail & mail from christian newsletter with both their names & doesn't see what the big deal is;Doesn't see why I want to get stuffed bears of 'our own' for his dash to replace the one he has there of 2 bears hugging; I am at wits end and do not feel this is what God had in mind for a marriage.

[SAM]

Welcome - we are glad to have you with us at Growthtrac Community.

Do I understand correctly that you met in March 2008 and married in July 2008?

Also, that your husband's previous wife died less than 1 year ago?


Whether you are both followers of Jesus Christ or not, only knowing each other for less than 6 months doesn't set up a great foundation for marriage and getting to know each other very well.

And, for your husband to remarry in less than a year after the death of his wife, makes things even stickier. You didn't mention how long he was married to his last wife. No wonder his family is upset with him and with you. They have not had an opportunity to grieve their loss.

I guess the rose colored glasses have come off after only 6 weeks of marriage - how sad. Actually, both of you have made serious mistakes. However, that does not give you a license to exit your marriage.

I would encourage you to start meeting with a counselor on your own.
Talk with your husband again, tell him it's important to you to work things out and come to a middle ground. You want to save this marriage.

I have prayed for you and your marriage. I hope you have the strength to work this out. You can change yourself - God will be the one to work on your husband.

There are qualities you found admirable in him, and he in you. That's what you will have to concentrate on. Keep looking for all his flaws, and he at yours - you will destroy each other. How very sad.

Galatians 5:15
If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.

[uniqueldy2000]

[quote="SAM"]Welcome - we are glad to have you with us at Growthtrac Community.

[b]Do I understand correctly that you met in March 2008 and married in July 2008? [/b]

[b]Also, that your husband's previous wife died less than 1 year ago?[/b]


Whether you are both followers of Jesus Christ or not, only knowing each other for less than 6 months doesn't set up a great foundation for marriage and getting to know each other very well.

And, for your husband to remarry in less than a year after the death of his wife, makes things even stickier. You didn't mention how long he was married to his last wife. No wonder his family is upset with him and with you. They have not had an opportunity to grieve their loss.

I guess the rose colored glasses have come off after only 6 weeks of marriage - how sad. Actually, both of you have made serious mistakes. However, that does not give you a license to exit your marriage.

I would encourage you to start meeting with a counselor on your own.
Talk with your husband again, tell him it's important to you to work things out and come to a middle ground. You want to save this marriage.

I have prayed for you and your marriage. I hope you have the strength to work this out. You can change yourself - God will be the one to work on your husband.

There are qualities you found admirable in him, and he in you. That's what you will have to concentrate on. Keep looking for all his flaws, and he at yours - you will destroy each other. How very sad.

Yes, Sam, you understood right we met in March & married in July. Within 3 weeks of my move in, we as Christians knew we were living in sin, spoke to his pastor about it and choose to marry before our scheduled Sept 2, '08. wedding
Personally, I never heard of a set time for anyone to grieve. As a matter of fact the pastor who married us told us he got grief from a few others when he married after the death of his wife. He said a grief period is up to each person and there is no set time limit. As a matter of fact, he married one of the two women his wife felt were good christian women and suggested he marry since she did not want him to be alone.
My husband and I both were in over 20 year marriages when we lost our spouces. When I lost my husband to cancer I made my promise to God. My husband also lost his wife to cancer.
I am not looking for flaws, they are my reality. I have never lived with such anger, yelling & screaming or in fear!
Thank you so very much for your prayers but you fail to understand it takes two, my talking to a counselor 'again' does little if only one is willing to make changes to make a marriage work.

[km]

It was good that you were looking ofr a good God fearing man. I take it that he is indeed a professing Christian.

You both assert that you are Christ followers. So it is time to really get down to applying what you say you profess. There were several significant errors that you both already made (SAM brushes on them above) in getting to this point - they can't be undone - but you can avoid making more or compounding the ones you've made.

You both need to get help. Find a good Christian marriage counselor, and get to the hard work of straightening out your marriage and your lives.

[SAM]

Grieving is a different process for everyone, so I agree. But, having worked in grief support, I personally have never seen anyone "get over it" in less than 1 year. Most who remarry within the first year, do so out of lonliness. And, these marriages fail at unbelievably high rates.

One person can change a marriage - with the help of Jesus Christ. It only takes one changed heart to show the other person the love of Christ. Even as Christians, we are not perfect in how we treat others.

The sooner you get yourself into counseling to gain the skills to cope, the more it will help you. Knowing what to say, and when to say it and stopping him in his tracks with screaming or yelling is an instrumental tool a counselor can assist you with.

He may have learned behaviors (bad ones) that his last wife allowed him to get away with. He may feel he can do the same with you.

You have to be the one to make the first move toward getting the help you need.

[km]

You should also keep in mind that God uses our mistakes too (it isn't as if anything you did surprised him).

No matter how far down the wrong path you've gone with anything you've done, the best solution (long term) is to get properly realigned with God and follow His ways. It may be very hard in the short term - or look less attractive than some other alternative - but it is always the best long term course of action.

[uniqueldy2000]

I sincerely want to thank you both for your words of wisdom, opinions and prayers. My deceased husband became a minster later in life so there never was a question of the type of man I wanted and needed in my life. Unfortunately, not all who profess to be christian are in the true sense of the word; they talk the talk, even read and quote the bible but do not walk the walk. I sincerely believe with all my heart this applies to my husband. A true christian is not quick to anger, does not deceive or lie nor cheat (I refuse to be his partner or play in the same game on line since he turns around to look at my screen), would be able to admit they have a problem and do they can to get it under control instead of blaming their anger on another's words, opinions or facial expression and feel more than "I'm embarrassed by what she said" when their adult child expresses how they felt about their fathers anger, threats and violence towards them & their siblings or get angry at another because their memory is better than theirs and lastly, allow/condone their 23 yr' old 'daughter' who lives at home to go off to another town to be with her boyfriend for days on end. I'm 57 (he's 58) and have never experienced such anger nor have I ever lived in fear. My husbands daughter tearful words of how her father treated all of his children and the fist hole in the wall of our bed room shows me the anger was not just directed toward the children. I fear the anger will exculpate into the violence he now claims he found embarrassed to hear. I am a small woman 4' 11 1/2" tall and 118 lbs and doubt if I can fend off a 6' 197 lb man. I too am starting to feel anger. Anger at myself for being so trusting and for marring him after seeing the anger soon after I moved in. This I believe is my mistake. Again tonight for the unteen time I talked to my husband about his promise 2 months ago to get us into christian counseling & how he always assumes what I am feeling or saying rather than believe what I am saying or asking what I am feeling. IF I knew he had no intention of keeping his word I never would have married him. Tonight I also informed him I did not want to reaffirm our vows in Jamaica on Sept. 2nd (original wedding date). Believe me I choose my words very carefully. You have no idea how I felt (& now feel) hearing last month, the month after my husbands wife died he asked her identical twin to marry him. He told me she refused to move to this state & he didn't want to move to her state so he asked God to bring him a wife! He also claimed (after I asked) he did nothing physical with her. I was deeply troubled by this revelation for a few days but now I do not seem to be able to shake it. How am I to believe his words of asking God to bring him a wife and I was his gift and blessing from God? When in reality, 10 to 1 you are right Sam, this like so many others is doomed to fail, because he admitted he did not want to be alone. It would appear, any woman would do if they consented to marry him!

[SAM]

A true christian is not quick to anger, does not deceive or lie nor cheat (I refuse to be his partner or play in the same game on line since he turns around to look at my screen), would be able to admit they have a problem and do they can to get it under control instead of blaming their anger on another's word.

It's really hard to "label" what a true Christian looks like - because God is the only one who has a clear view of the heart.

We are the ones who disconnect ourselves from the vine. When we do, we fall into the habits and desires of this world - unfortunately.

As for having a daughter who is a grown woman, which at 23 she is, I can only direct her in how God wants her to walk - then she will make her own choices. I cannot "forbid" her to do something anymore. I have to love her whether or not I agree with those choices or not.

Have you considered that God did bring you into this man's life for a reason? To depend on him more, to trust him more, and to grow during the storm? Just maybe, you can be the iron that sharpens iron. Maybe you can love him throught the changes and be there to walk beside him in growing into a mature Christian. Just maybe.

Please consider picking up a copy of The Power of A Praying Wife by Stormie O'Martian. And, I want to urge you to get into counseling for yourself right away. Do not depend on or wait for your husband to make the first move.

If you look at people as a checklist of what is a "good" Christian and what "is not a good Christian" - as though they need to measure up to perfection... they will fall short of God's standard every time. And, so do you and so do I.