Growthtrac Community

[Cool Breeze]

I really need advice so I appreciate anyone who is reading this.

I'm a newlywed and it's been just over a year since I've had to move away from my family. A year and a half ago I was excited about moving, I thought moving would be great so I'd learn to not be so dependent on my family, and I was willing to do it because if I wanted to be with him and it only made sense because his job is here.

Fast forward and I am just not happy.

He's a great man so that's not the problem. The problem is that I really miss my family.

We went back home recently and it just really reminded me of how much I miss being there.

I've never been a person to have many friends, I've always been a family girl. That's just how I am. So since I've been here I don't have any friends, I don't even know how to make friends at this point. I don't even know if that would help.

It's not that I need my family to survive, or to tell me what to do, or as if I need their input...I just really miss being around them. I believe that just having that support, even if they aren't all in your business, is a good thing. I believe people should be around people who love them and support them.

What's wrong with wanting to be a part of family dinners and outings?

I also think it's too expensive to live here so that may be adding to my frustration as well.

I guess I just want to know how can I make it better? I'm trying so hard to get used to living here. I really did try...but now I can't stop complaining, I can't stop crying and I just want to go back home.

Should I have hope that maybe by next year I'll have gotten used to it? Should I just have a marriage where I live one place and he lives somewhere else? Should I just deal with it and say that's how life is, oh well?

Thank you for your advice and prayers.

[SAM]

It's not unusual to be homesick.

You first loyalty is to your husband, not your family. He is your first priority.

A great way to make new friends, build relationships and add new members to the family is through church.

Another way is finding ways to serve others through community serving opportunities.

Another way is start a Bunko nights, or Baggo night and have a BBQ in your neighborhood.

It's not easy. If you run to your family to find your happiness, then you are not searching for way to build your own happiness.

Remember, you are to leave your mother and father and cleave to your husband to build the oneness you desire as husband and wife. That is God's design for your marriage.

And, ask you husband if you can plan more visits home for awhile. Maybe that will help with the homesickness.

[Cool Breeze]

I am loyal to him and have always put him before my family. In fact, had I not started openly complaining, he never would have known there was a problem.

I don't think I look at my family for happiness, because it's not all happy; but I just think it's normal to be around family.

Maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way but I think that this living situation is abnormal.

Yes, we love each other. Yes, we put each other first. No, we don't involve our families in our private business....but staying at home by myself on every holiday seems abnormal to me. (His work schedule is not a M-F holidays off type thing.)

Not being able to visit occasionally seems abnormal to me. If I am being 100% honest I'd have to say that I don't want that kind of life.

I don't want to live a life where I don't know my brother and sister because I never see them. I don't want a life where I only see my parents once a year. I know people do it all the time but that doesn't seem normal to me. When we have kids I want them to know their grandparents just like I knew mine. Living 600 miles away doesn't have that same 30 minutes away effect.

To me, putting my husband first doesn't mean that I have to completely forget my family. That seems a little extreme to me. Why can't I have both?

I'm going to do the right thing and just go with the flow but I'm not content with it. But I made the choice to get married so I have to deal with it...but there has to be a better option. Why all or nothing?

[km]

You haven't said that the move some distance away from family is permanent. It may just be your season in life to fully cleave to your husband and really learn to live independent of family. Get active in some service projects (church is a good first place to look, and there are always other charitable organizations needing good young people - you will make friends there - with the added plus of having some confidence that they'll be appropriate people with whom to be frinds).

And get a 'regional' or 'nationwide' plan for your cell phone - talk to family regularly. Or get a webcam to see them over the internet (my daughter''s boyfriend did that when he went away to school - his Downs Syndrome sister was greatly comforted by seeing him while they talked). This isn't the 1800s where communication is weeks away by letter - it is instant around the globe (I correspond with friends in Israel, New Zealand, and Australia - it is as instant as with family in Illinois and Ohio or friends in Colorado)

[SAM]

I was not saying you were doing or feeling all the things in my post - I was trying to give you some food for thought. Things to think about that may be roadblocks to your situation.

Sorry, I did not mean to put you on the defensive.

What is your husband's response to you telling him how you feel?

I don't want to live a life where I don't know my brother and sister because I never see them. I don't want a life where I only see my parents once a year. I know people do it all the time but that doesn't seem normal to me.

If you made a choice together to move away from family, then yes, this situation is a normal part of that decision. Your expectation for "normal" family life and your husband's expectation for "normal" family life may be completely different. If you haven't described what you feel "normal" family life is to your husband, now would be a good time to have that discussion. And, what might the future look like? How can you negotiate through this situation?

Is it your sole responsibility to visit family? Are they able to visit you?

My family lives 800 miles from me. We reverse visits each year. And, we usually schedule it right before, or right after a holiday. Because my home is not large enough to house all of them, we rent a large cabin together in the area and have a great time.

KM made some great suggestions - a webcam is an awesome idea! This way you get to see them and talk to them.

[Cool Breeze]

<<****You haven't said that the move some distance away from family is permanent****>>

I don't know if it is, but it feels like it. We've talked about moving in the future, "one day", but anywhere I suggest that's closer and where he'd still be able to keep his job, he has a problem with. "I don't like the weather there, there's nothing to do there".

Then I ask "well what do you do here?" and there's no answer.

Now if I suggest moving to Texas (which is a lot further away) he doesn't have any issues.

<<****It may just be your season in life to fully cleave to your husband and really learn to live independent of family.****>>

This is why I moved. This is exactly what I thought I was supposed to do and why. I thought it would make me a better person.

<<****What is your husband's response to you telling him how you feel? ****>>

He asked "what can I do to make it better."

I told him if he got a job in a closer state that would help. I mentioned a state and then he said "eww, why there?" and then I told him he asked me a question, I answered.

<<****Your expectation for "normal" family life and your husband's expectation for "normal" family life may be completely different. ****>>

You are absolutely right. Our expectations are different. I don't know how to deal with that.

I think that visiting more often might help though. They came here once and I went there once but seeing my family twice a year just isn't going to work for me.

I am going to try the webcam thing more often because both my brother and I have one.

Still, I feel like I made a mistake, and I don't want to feel that way. I feel guilty for feeling that way but I can't help it.

[SAM]

You are absolutely right. Our expectations are different. I don't know how to deal with that.

When your expectations are out of alignment, it's important to talk about them more and figure out what a good "middle" ground may be.

Also, each of you write out a list of what your ideal jobs would be and your ideal places to live. From those lists, you should find some common ground. On those agreements, you start building your hopes and dreams together.

[km]

Humans make mistakes. It is a constant part of most people's lives. The trick to living is to continue living after making the mistakes. If you cling to the 'what I should have dones" or the "what could have beens" you will guarantee that you will always be miserable (as, likely, will everyone else in your life - if they stay around).

I fear that will look sort of blunt or harsh. I don't intend it that was to you, but it is a very common thread I see in old, unhappy people.

[MisterSender]

I empathize with you. I remember going through the same emotional issues you have gone over early in my marriage, almost exactly as you have stated...

to be honest, it actually was harder the more time I spent on the phone, on the webcams, or whatever with my family, because it just made me upset/resentful that I wasnt there and getting to experience those things too. I finally came to a few realizations, that helped me a lot:

1. my husband should be my #1, and pining for the past was driving a wedge between us that had nothing to do with 'us'... i just resented him from taking me away from my family. once I came to grips with the idea that it was not his fault I was where I was, it was MY fault.. dunno why, but that made it easier.
2. I had a pretty great husband, and life, after all. After I realized my husband wasnt the root of my issues, I made sure to think of all the reasons I loved him every day instead of the reasons I resented him. that made a difference! Just praying for God to show you how lucky you are can be all the difference, too.
3. I was a classic depression case, and medication definitely helps. I don't know why people are so taboo about depression medications, they are a Godsend- if you think you are depressed, GET HELP ASAP! It will make everything else easier-- if you are anything like me, i got to the point where i probably could have made friends, but I 'didn't feel like it'... that depression will get ya' every time with the social stuff.
4. exercise. no lie... i felt better about myself, and therefore felt better about everything else.
5. really, like everyone else has said, find a church (or something) you and your husband like. if you are having trouble making friends, cell based churches can be especially helpful since they immediately put you into a small group with peers. of course, the first couple of weeks you really have to force yourself to go and participate, but it pays off!

I hope some of this helps, it's at least kind of nice to know you're not alone, right?

[kittenscushion]

I know what it feels like to be far away from family. It is evenb worse when you have a fight and you feel all alone with no one to talk to.

However with that said, technology has really advanced and as KM suggested you can use it to communicate with your family on a daily basis. You can try SKYPE as its free as long as the other person is also connected to the internet and with a webcam you will get to see each other.

One advantage though of being far from the comforts of home (i found) is that conflicts are resolved much faster as you have no escape (so to speak) and I found it strengthens the relationship as you become more like best friends. You learn to listen to each other.

Hope this helps.

[resecured]

I totally understand where you are coming from. I moved away from my mom and dad and very close friends the exact year that my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. I was only able to visit twice maybe three times a year. With living 10 1/2 hrs. away, with kids in school, it was difficult to see them as often as I use to. It was hard to develop new friendships even though I am an outgoing type of person. What helped me was to start subbing in the local schools. I worked only when I wanted to and I was able to meet people, plus get paid doing it.
There is also the option of flying. Airlines do offer great internet prices.

I will be praying for you and your husband to be able to reach some sort of solution to this problem.

-RJ-