Growthtrac Community

[dgr]

My wife and I just got back together. We almost separated but didn't. See thread on Divorce page.

My question is this: When is it too soon to pursue sexual intimacy with my wife? I am very much aware of her tender feelings right now and don't want to seem like some horny teenager but as a man I need her.

Would like some suggestions so I don't mess things up.

[charity1]

dgr,
I'm sure Sam will have some very good advice for you concerning this, but speaking as a woman who has just been through a marital crisis, my suggestion is to just treat her like you did when you were dating and let nature takes its course. The more you hold her hand, hug her and kiss her, just because you love her, the more likely it is she will warm up to carrying it further. Give her compliments. She definitely will not want to feel pressured. If she feels pressured, she may start wondering if all of your changes are real, or if they have just been an agenda. I think it is very important that you let her know that you "want" her - not just physically, but HER. I didn't understand until after 30 years of marriage, that my desire for my husband is what made him feel like a man and what an impact my acceptance of him physically had on him mentally. I wasn't in the habit of turning him down, but I wasn't alway gung ho either! Once I learned how important the physical relationship was to him and then really took to heart all that the Bible says about a husband and wife's physical relationship, it took on a whole new meaning for me. Just talk to your wife openly and honestly. When my husband tried to talk to me about it in the past, I always felt like he was criticizing my lovemaking abilities, which really hurt. I didn't understand what he was really trying to say was that sometimes he thought I was just going through the motions, and didn't really want him, and that made him feel like less of a man. I have to admit at times I thought of it as just a "duty" because I thought he just needed a physical release, and I was his outlet. I was treated like a piece of furniture until bedtime, and then he was all lovey-dovey. It just doesn't work that way with a woman. We need to feel loved and cherished and like the most important person in our husband's life all the time, not just at bedtime. I didn't think our physical relationship really had anything to do with him attaching to me emotionally, because after all, men go to prostitutes for the same thing. I just didn't get it. You might explain that physical intimacy is a physical need for a man, but it is also a psychological one, and that it is one of the main ways you connect to her emotionally. Tell her you want her and only her. That is something every woman needs to hear. The more loving you are to her on an ongoing basis, the more loving she will be to you. That means in every aspect of life, not just the physical. Don't ever take her for granted. Love her the way Christ loves the Church and gave Himself for it. Good luck!

[SAM]

Charity1 -

Well said!

[km]

A thought - perhaps you might tell her that you desire her very much, but will not pressure her. You continue to work on the non-physical aspects of furthering intimacy and let her initiate anything physical that might happen.

[dgr]

Thankyou all. You said it well Charity.

I do desire her very much and I do not want to pressure her. I do want it to be natural. The last thing that I want to do is make her feel as if thats all I'm after.

I want our relationship to grow on so many levels. I don't want the differences between woman and man to be a conflict. But yes, right now she will do the initiating in any sexual intimacy. Believe me, I'm very sympathetic to her needs and the need for us to get this right.

I'm actually excited about getting to date her and court again.

[charity1]

dgr,
Good for you! You sound like you are definitely on the right track, just don't get frustrated and quit if things don't progress as quickly as you think they should. Building trust takes time. Tell her what you are telling us, and you should be fine.

[dgr]

Thank you all for your advice. They have been a source of strength to me during this crisis.

[FreshfireRev]

Charity1:

Thank you for being so open, honest, "real" and candid. What a breath of fresh air! Sometimes, I think we (as Christians) spend way too much time hiding behind our Bibles and pointing our fingers at one another, (as we tend to be so incredibly consumed with maintaining a squeaky clean image and reputation,) and not not enough time pointing the finger at ourselves and really coming to grips with and dealing with reality. Your post is incredibly well written, and from one writer to another, I am rather impressed by the breadth and depth of thought and effort that was put into it. Well done! I think that your commentary is definitely worth publishing in either a Bible (like the Joyce Meyers Everyday Life Bible, which is written with an emphasis that is uniquely directed towards and is formatted for Christian women,) or a Christian women's magazine.

[charity1]

FreshfireRev,
Wow! I was just stating what was on my heart, but thank you so much for your kind words. I am just hoping my experience can help someone else. I have been through the fire, but I believe I have come out a whole lot stronger. God is an awesome God! I have to give Him the glory for all I have learned.

[resecured]

Dearest Charity,

Very well said, indeed!!!!!!! You know what going through the fire makes you, right? Like beautiful refined gold. A jewel. Thank you so much for saying what was on your heart. You will probably never fully know how much you do help. I cherish your wisdom and thoughfulness.

-RJ-