Growthtrac Community

[Fadestoblack]

I'm new here and I can't believe I have to post this...

My husband and I have been married not even a year yet, and I caught him watching porn on the computer.


From the start my Husband didn't seem like the average disgusting guy, he is very sensitive, sweet and caring. In the past I we had a conversation about porn and he said he doesn't watch it and doesn't have any. Like I said I had no reason to suspect this, he seems so different than most.

We work everyday and lately have been intimate once a week because all the other days we are so tired. But this morning he got up at 4am as he does every morning and I don't wake up until 6am but for some reason I was wide awake at 4:30am, so I got out of bed and walked in the living room where I saw porn playing on the computer, I had to rub my eyes in disbelief. He wasn't sitting at the computer though, I heard the kitchen sink running and I walked into the kitchen and caught him with his pants down.

I don't know what to do. I feel betrayed, disgusted, worthless and in disbelief ! I tried to talk to him about it, but half the time I was throwing up and crying, and it's hard to even talk to him because he is very sensitive and he cries alot, but he says he did it because this past weekend we were intimate and he says "he's embarrassed he last so short" and that he "needed to do it to fix himself".... But why I don't understand, because I always tell him how much he satisfies me and he last plenty long enough and I've told him that so many times.... So why ? Did he say that as an excuse ?

Please I'm desperate, I don't know what to think or do.

[SAM]

Welcome, I am sorry you have joined us under these circumstances.

I would encourage you to make an appointment with a counselor. In no way is this your fault. None.. it lies squarely on his shoulders, no matter how much or how little you have sex. Masturbation is not unusual for relief, but doing it with pornography on the screen is lust, which is a form of adultery.

Matthew 5:28
But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Don't let this go. Do not let him talk you out of getting help. Here's some additional info you can read at GT - there are lots of articles and organizations that you could call for referral or help.

http://www.growthtrac.com/special/pornography/

There are some great books to read for you and him:

Porn Nation
Every Man's Battle
Every Heart Restored

The Every Man's organization is awesome and so is Faithful and True Ministries.

Your marriage can survive this. It will take some work and forgiveness and healing can take place. But, it has to be addressed, there has to be accountability, and therapy.

And... there needs to be a porn filter installed on your computer.
www.xxxchurch.com may have a recommendation for good porn filters.

Love him through his sin as Christ would. You are not his judge and jury, you are his wife, and it is important that he knows you are beside him on this journey.

[Fadestoblack]

I can't tell you enough how much your reply was needed.
Thank you so very much.

I have been reading my Bible and I'm crying as I do so. The Lord has such a hold over me


I really think we need to see a counselor I just don't know how to go about getting one, especially without knowing how much that all costs and if we can even manage it.


I'm checking out the links right now.

[SAM]

It may take some legwork and many, many phone calls, but many of these organizations can help with referrals and possible cost. Insurance may pay for some of it and many non-profit local organizations offer help possibly in your area.

As difficult as it may be financially to find the funds for counseling, the survival of your marriage depends on it.

[rdsmith3]

It can be tough to find a good Christian counselor, but Focus on the Family, New Life Ministries, and your local church are all places you can contact for a referral.

[km]

Please be prepared to be patient in addressing this. It isn't an immediate fix kind of problem.

I would also note that your strong reaction might make him fear being fully open about the extent of the problem. If he isn't fully open, the process of straightening out will take much longer than otherwise.

He was engaged in sinful conduct, no doubt, but an exceedingly common form of sinful conduct (shared by the great majority of men at some point in their lives, and a large percentage of men for all of their lives). He needs to address this problem, but you may have to be ready to learn some things about the natue of men (even nice, sensitive ones) that you would rather not have to learn.

[k2g]

Fadestoblack,
My wife went through the same feelings and emotions when I confessed to her about my problems with internet porn. Please do not feel worthless, because you are not. Not to God and also not to your husband. I know that is extremely difficult or nearly impossible for women to understand that. I know that what I did was sinful, immoral, and absolutely wrong, but it certainly was not due to the fact that I did not find my wife attractive or that I did not love her. The bottom line was that I was selfish and was only interested in one person--ME.

My wife had a very tough time with this and continues with her struggles, but she also tells me how God has helped her through this. Lean on Him like you've never before and He is faithful to deliver you from this. It's easy for me to say, especially being a male, but try your best to love him through this. I know you need your time to heal. This is no consolation and by no means do I intend it to be an excuse for us, but this problem is of epidemic proportions. And now with the internet, it is just that much easier.

A friend told me about settingcaptivesfree (do a google to get the website) and the 60-day Purity course that they offer. It is FREE and they pair you up with a male mentor and you do a 60-day course that is very biblical. Please check it out. I am on day 37 and it has helped me tremendously. I would highly, highly recommend it.

settingcaptivesfree is no replacement for good, solid Biblical counseling. So, I would recommend you seek out Christian counseling. You can also check with National Association of Nouthetic Counseling (NANC). Again Google it to get website.

Lastly, I would implore you to get a solid Internet filter. We installed BSafe. It costs something like $50/year, but it is worth it. I know there are free ones out there as well. If you are unsure, go with BSafe or SafeEyes. And make sure that you own the * to the filter. I would also encourage accountability with another strong male. Also give thought to what kind of TV shows and movies you and your husband watch. This problem is very pervasive and I believe that if we want victory in this area, we need to radically amputate anything that would cause us to sin or even stumble.

OK, one more lastly... pray, pray, pray and for your husband. He needs you now. Seek the Lord with all your heart and all your soul.

[km]

This thought occurred to me - could the unusually sweet, sensitive persona that you view in your husband be in some small part an attempt to hide a more normal/typical/common male (albeit one who really wants to be "good") who loves you dearly but is truely terrified that you won't love him if you see how he actually is a fairly normal/typical/common male?

From hearing a lifetime of guy talk (in the sports locker room, in some all male work environments, in the pub), I think that I am by nature in the normal to somewhat mild side of normal range - and I can't imagine letting my wife have a real view into the raw sewer that runs through my psyche. If you are rather sensitive to such things, he may be killing himself to put up a brave front and struggle in silence against his inner masculine nature.

[k2g]

km - Wow! You've hit the nail on the head as far as I am concerned. I don't mean this in a bad way at all, but my wife has led a very sheltered life-grew up in a Christian home with very strict parents, saved at 12, attended church practically her whole life, and then married an unbeliever!!

I know how she feels about sexual immorality and I have struggled alone for a number of years. I could never really open up to her and give her a glimpse into the scum and raw sewage (very appropriate) and filth that I have exposed myself to. In fact, I am going through a tough time right now where my wife just does not understand the male pysche, not that I am making any excuses or justifying my behavior. I really am struggling in silence against my inner masculine nature. Very well said km.

[AlexAppleton]

Its really a very sad and strange things...and this kind of act is belong to aduletry....You need a good marriage consultant...
My Best wishes....

Russian Dating,Russian Women

[resecured]

Dear Fadestoblack,

I understand your feelings. My husband has been addicted to porn for most of his life. It started out by his viewing a porn magazine when he was 12 years old. Problem was it grew into him having numerous affairs with OW (plural), throughout our marriage. I read where mast. to porn is most of the time a step to progress into other areas of adultery. (adult porn houses and physical affairs) This is not to say that your husband has progressed any further with this but it is very common for them too. It's like a drug. After a while, they will get more bold and selfish and seek a more full filling outlet.

Can this be beat? Yes! My husband took an online course that first off made him aware that mast. was indeed adultery and not just something that men do to get release. He has been pure for 2 years now. He is amazed that he has not mast. in all that time. Especially when he was very active in doing so for most of his life. God allowed me fo find out about all of his past about 2 1/2 years ago. Since then I have put boundaries on my marriage. He knows that I will no longer allow such as that in my life. He must change his ways or loose me. I do not, nor will I tolerate such behavior from him anymore. You do have a right to stand for your marriage. Yes, he needs help. Just do not allow him to tell you that he can simply quit this on his own. It is a fight. He is fighting satan's hold on him. He can do it but only with God's help.

He needs your support but he also needs to allow you to heal also. These courses will show him how it has affected you too. He needs to realize that it is not just a "private" thing that he is doing in his own home. He is hurting you and your marriage. My husband felt that since he wasn't being physical any more that this was ok. He felt that since it was not public he was not hurting me or our marriage. He would try to justify his behavior with thinking that all men do this. All men need a release in some form from the stress of life, was another lie. I praise God that he has now found out that it is a form of adultery. Your husband needs to understand satan's lies concerning adultery.

I do advise that you put a filter on your computer. We still have one on ours. It needs to be fought by any way means possible. This is not just something that he can just stop doing on his own power.

I am praying for you and your husband. You are definitely not alone in this.

-RJ-

[km]

Funny - my wife and I have finally goten to where we've had some moderately frank talk about my need for more marital activity, and she indicated that I ought to be taking care of such matters myself if I wanted more releases.

[veggiemelt]

Being rather naive myself, I can understand this young woman's shock and outright disgust over what she discovered. Girls are not brought up with any real understanding of guys, other then that "men are pigs". This sort of vague upbringing implies that men's sexual nature is dirty or disgusting and we as girls should just put it out of our minds. In the dating world, we are taught to watch your hands and cross our legs because all he really wants is to get in our pants. It creates a sense of mistrust in women, but when we fall in love, we think the boy we give our heart and our body to is different. We cannot imagine such things of him and a part of our trust in our marriage is built on that.

Men generally treat their wives with a great deal of respect when it comes to sexuality. He does not display that same kind of
feelings or thoughts for her that he may for a woman whom he views merely as a sex object. And most likely, he does not appear to be completely aroused by the sight of another woman in front of his wife. So, a wife is kind of lead to believe that he is somehow more tame then the average male. The truth is, all men have a sewer of thoughts in their heads, and all men are aroused or at least captivated by the site of an attractive woman showing alot of skin. As difficult as it is to accept, it is pretty difficult for him to look away, and it has nothing to do with you or what you look like, or how he feels about you.

But, girls are not raised to understand that to a male, sex and love are two entirely different things and when he is looking at another woman in real life or on the net, it is purely sexual in nature. It is hard for girls to understand, because to us sex and love are one in the same. That mentality is almost uncomprehendable. As far as understanding the male sex drive, that is an even bigger mystery. One week, he is interested, the next week he is not, and the following week he is mad at you because you didn't show any interest even though he never gave you a clue that he needed or wanted anything.
Men like to try and blame their masturbation habits on their spouse, but most women really have no clue to what a man's needs are or how we are supposed to try to satisfy them. And most women has no idea how often a man even feels the need to ejaculate. I had no idea, until I was over 40, how often guys actually feel the pressure to release. It just isn't something your mother tells you.

I feel really sad every time I see a woman go through the agony of this discovery in her own husband, and often times in her pain, relive my own because I have not yet recovered fully from the fact that I lived with a man for over 20 years and never really knew him. It feels like living a lie, and it is really tough to get past, but God is working in me and in my husband and our marriage has been greatly blessed through this experience. Yes, I have had to learn to deal with some things about my husband that I don't really want to accept, but, we have learned how to be more open and honest with one another in our wants and needs, and over time, we are growing to love one another more wholely and deeply then ever before. This has caused us to sort out other issues, like the control and manipulation games we play with one another.
And it has given me a greater understanding of how much he really loves and cares for me and that the lies were never meant to hurt me, but to protect me and my innocence. My heart goes out to you and to every other woman who has endured this pain.

On a lighter site, I am just curious, what do most men do when they don't have sex? How long can you really go without release and what happens if you don't masturbate. Does it drive you crazy, or is it just something that you get used to?
I have asked my husband this, but he doesn't have an answer because he has never gone without release in one form or another for longer then a week, so he doesn't really know. It seems kind of stupid to have to ask this question at my age, but I bet most women don't really know the answer and it might help us understand some things.

[km]

veggiemelt - At/from about day 3, I find myself progrssively incredibly distrcted by just about anything and concentration is more difficult.
Eventually, a release is needed in order to otherwise function. Susceptability to tempations increases tremendously.
And I never got used being deprived of regular releases (no matter what or how much I tried in order to do so).

[veggiemelt]

So, if a wife expects her husband to go a week without sex, is this in fact tortcher in a way? And if so, is this the reason men just get it over with rather then wait for her. Or is it just not possible to go a week without release?