Growthtrac Community

[tryintostaysaved]

Hi,
I need help. My husband and I have been separated for 8 mos. Initially the separation was because of multiple arguments regarding life issues. I later discovered he was involved with a lady in the ministry. This has caused much distress for me. My living arrangements have changed as well as I now do not have a church home. We have 3 children. I have custody of the two younger ones. They seem to be adapting well considering the lifestyle change regarding our finances. My husband has shown no remorse and I found out he has been cont. to have conversations with this lady. He constantly says he wants to reconcile but he goes for days without phone calls or anything. He has not changed his lifestyle at all nor has his mistress. She remains in the ministry. Her life nor her children have been affected. He is more financially stable than I. I am praying but lonely for companionship. I know I can't date but I can't afford a divorce. I feel manipulated and controlled.

[km]

Tell the woman's superiors in her church/denomination about the affair. If the woman is married, tell her husband too (tell him first).

Those two things need to be done - and might cause a sufficient upheaval in your husband's delious fog of a fantasy world that he might be slapped back to recognizing a little reality.

[tryintostaysaved]

Thank you for responding. The church is aware of the affair. She is unmarried. My husband no longer attends the church and she stopped attending for about a month and then returned. The pastor is supportive of my husband, sends him information to uplift his spirits. I have not received even a phone call. I want to stop contact with my husband but because of the children I get sucked in. He seems so happy. I want to know how to move on. Any advice would be helpful.

[km]

A church should be disciplining a woman in ministry who has an ongoing affair going with someone in the church. Depending on her position and how the affair came to take place, the church/denomination may even have legal liability to you (if, for example, it arose out of any sort of counseling activities).

You might want to contact any denominational office(s) above the level of the pastor. She sould not be able to return to any sort of role in the church while still engaged in an improper relationship.

You may also need to get legal representation about your marital/support rights in the separation and as to whether there is any recourse against the church that seems to be condoning impropriety by church staff.

[tryintostaysaved]

I am definitely planning to get legal counsel. Thank you again for your advice.

[rdsmith3]

I agree with km. This is an issue of church discipline. If the pastor is not hearing you, then is there a board of elders to whom you can bring this matter? This is exactly when a church is supposed to help you.

[tryintostaysaved]

Unfortunately there there is not a board of elders. I am looking for a church home but it is difficult. My children did not want to leave their friends. They are not being very cooperative in our church seeking. Thank you for your prayers.

[km]

what sort of structure is your church? Is it fully independant? Is it the Presbyterian model (where there is more than one local church, under a loose affiliation)? Is it of a more heirarchal denomination (where there are layers of more central authority above the local church)?

Do make sure to look into legal representation.