Growthtrac Community

[believer]

Several months ago we had an upset at the church that we had been attending and thought of as our church home. It shook us up terribly and both my husband and I decided that we no longer felt comfortable attending there. It had to do with the associate Pastor being ask to resign, how it was handled and the fact that he and his wife were our friends.

My husband needs to be involved in a weekly service. He needs to hear God's word on a regular passes. He needs the structure of a church setting. He started attending churches the following Sunday and found one that he liked. He has gotten his daughter....my step daughter involved in the kids ministry and she likes it very much. He said during one of our discussions on the topic that he chose what he felt was best for him and his daughter.

I am terribly hurt by this. I took a much longer time in being able to attend church again because my emotions over the issue ran so high. Before I attended the church that my husband favored he had made his choice. I have attended the church several times and for me it does not hold enough interest for me to desire that it be my church home. Needless to say it has become a sensitive issue for us as a couple. I do not feel that he should have made the choice without me and although I took longer to attend church again I feel he should have waited. I do not look forward to church services here and when Sunday morning rolls around I feel dread. It has caused a distance between us since now we really are not worshiping together.

I am saddened by his attitude, saddened by the distance that it has created between us and saddened that I no longer look forward to church on Sunday. I am praying about this and trust that God will work within each of us. I don't know how to minimize the damage that I feel is taking place however. Please help.

[SAM]

Attend church with your husband and the church he has chosen for your family.

He may have been the biggest dummy by not asking you your opinion and making a decision without consulting you, but don't make matters worse by digging in your heels and not attending with him.

After having a husband who ran lukewarm to cold in his faith for many years, and he finally found a church that he loved, I had to agree to this change. In the end, it was the best change our family ever made.

[believer]

Sam.....I do not "dig my heals in and refuse to attend church with him." That is a very rude assumption on your part. He should have consulted me, not his daughter, when making this choice. I have a disability which prevents me from attending church every single Sunday. Regardless, I am offended by your assumption.

He does not desire to have a "church family" and I do. I want to fellowship with the people that I worship with and form relationships with them, he does not.

We have talked, since I posted my first post on this topic and have agreed to go back to the church that I raised my kids in and have friends at. We will try that this coming Sunday.

I don't appreciate your assumption of my character. I have cried over this, prayed over this and when I seek Christian counsel I am told "not to dig my heals in".

I have told him that I would attend this church with him and I have but it is not a church that I would have chosen. As my husband that should matter to him and it does.

[km]

God is present in pretty much each church (assuming it is not full out heretical). Your husband may well have exercised his leadership somewhat poorly in this instance, but he did attempt to make a chouce in relevant factors - even though he failed to consider at least one important one. I beleive that you should make a good faith effort to fit in there and make it work.

I would agree that SAM may have made a few assumptions based upon your post that were not fully supported by what you said, but I also think you jumped on her way too hard. Her advice was not bad. Your reaction makes me suspect that there are more things at work here than you laid out in your post.

Your husband erred in the process by which he selected the new church. OK. Now, make a full good faith effort to follow his leadership on this point, and if you should find it impossible to fit in - after a real bona fide try - then ask your husband to look for a new church (with you being more involved next time).

[believer]

km...please do not try and read between the lines of my post. I stated what I wanted to discuss. I discussed it and explained it as best I could. I expressed my emotions to the best of my abilities. I am understanding the two responses that I received so far to mean that I should submit to my husband's authority. Period. You would actually have us continue to attend this church even if I feel uncomfortable there? My husband doesn't expect that.

I am curious. Just what do you consider to be a "good faith effort"?

I am aware that God is present in many churches. I like the Pastor at this church. His sermons are sound and Biblical. However, it is like he is speaking to an empty room. There is no response from the congregation. You never see families together, the kids are checked into Sunday school 15 minutes before the service begins. It is strange for me not have our daughter with us in church at all and to not see other parents with their kids. At a church dinner today no one spoke to my husband and daughter.
I find that to be odd and uncomfortable.

[SAM]

I apologize - perhaps, not my best choice of words.
And, at times, from the posts... it can be rather hard to have a full picture of everything that is taking place in our marriages.

Food for thought is what I was trying to throw out there. Something to chew on and think about.

I just know that my own stubborness, wanting to have my own way, and not wanting to give up relationships I had built, was detrimental to the spiritual growth of my husband. Once, I saw the change and enthusiasm in him in attending a new church each Sunday and bringing our children, and getting out of bed, and being excited to learn and grow and participate, that it made a world of difference in our family and our marriage.

Our husbands don't always get it right. And, I would agree your husband made some mistakes by not consulting you. You have every reason to be upset. But, as a wife, I certainly know I make a fair share of my own mistakes when it comes to how God wants me to interact with my husband and follow his direction.

My husband asked me several years ago, "Do you think that you are the only one God speaks to in our family? Do you think that he may lead me and direct me too?"

What about finding a church that you pick out together? In this way it does not become a "my" church - "your" church issue.

[rdsmith3]

believer,

It is hard not to read between the lines of any post on this board. First, we are only hearing one side of a story. Second, we all have our own biases and experiences. Finally, we are all imperfect sinners. However, please understand that virtually everyone here has your best interests in mind. By God's grace, we are seeking to help you, not hurt you.

I am sorry that you are hurt by this situation with your husband. I am in a step family situation, also. Both my wife and I have at times felt as if our spouse placed the needs of her/my children above our spouse, which is not God's model for how things should work in a family. A husband and wife should be aligned and united in front of the children.

My wife and I had to change churches about two years ago. Fortunately we were able to do it together and we ended up making a very good choice. Everyone in our family feels at home in this church; the preaching is good and is very solidly biblically based; and it is only five minutes from our house. It took time, however. We tried to get involved in a small group and it probably took six months before that happened. We have been in the small group for over a year, and it took time for the relationships to grow. I encourage you to give any church a chance, because it takes time.

Remember that the purpose of worship is to praise God, not to make us feel good. I am not a good singer, and I do not even like hearing myself sing, but I will do it every Sunday because it is a way of praising and glorifying God. It is not about me.

Again, I am not trying to attack or criticize you in any way, but I urge you to look at your role in this situation. It is easy to see your husband's mistakes, but all of us have a harder time recognizing our own.

You said, for example

I took a much longer time in being able to attend church again because my emotions over the issue ran so high. Before I attended the church that my husband favored he had made his choice.

We do not know what happened during this time. Were you not going to church at all? Were you going to a different church? Was your husband asking you to go with him, and you declined? Did the hurt from what happened at the prior church overshadow the need to praise God on a regular basis?

These are just some things to think about.

I pray that you and your husband can be of one mind on this important issue. Satan wants to destroy families, and he works inside the church, not just outside. Please do not let this become a wedge between you and your husband.

[charity1]

believer,
One thing you will find on this forum is that everyone tries to base their answers on the Word of God, and they have your best interest at heart. Sometimes we come on here wanting backup for what we are feeling, but sometimes that isn't what we need. In your post we read:

My husband needs to be involved in a weekly service. He needs to hear God's word on a regular passes. He needs the structure of a church setting. He started attending churches the following Sunday and found one that he liked. He has gotten his daughter....my step daughter involved in the kids ministry and she likes it very much. He said during one of our discussions on the topic that he chose what he felt was best for him and his daughter.

This sounds like a very godly man that shouldn't be discouraged. This is the kind of husband every wife should have. I realize you felt like he put his stepdaughter above you, but under the circumstances, was that really the case?

I do not feel that he should have made the choice without me and although I took longer to attend church again I feel he should have waited.

Would it have really been fair to ask him to wait in his faithfulness to God? According to Luke 14:26, we are to put God above even family

Jesus said: “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.

Every person has to work out their own salvation with fear and trembling. It sounds like that is what your husband was doing. He sounds like a very considerate and caring man to now leave where he was happy and satisfied to go somewhere that will make you happy. I hope you appreciate him. You sound very blessed.

1Cr 11:3 But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.

This is why everyone was encouraging you to follow your husband and give the church he had found a chance. A husband isn't be be a dictator, but he is to be respected (Ephesians 5:33). It sounds like yours is trying to be a spiritual leader. Most of us on here can't help but be impressed by that. Hope you understand that we are all trying to speak the truth in love. It is much easier to be on the outside looking in than it is on the inside overwhelmed with emotions. Hope this helps you see where we are all coming from.

[believer]

rdsmith3....I tried to get quotes from your post to appear here but was unable to do so. I'll do the best I can to answer things that you said....You said that you have my best interest at heart....I am not sure that is the case. I feel that what is expected of me is to keep my mouth shut and just do what my husband has decided. How is having my feelings ignored in my best interest? Are my feelings not valid? God gave me the ability to feel the emotions that I feel but I should ignore them and just keep them to myself and go. Isn't my experience at church on Sunday important as we as my husband and daughter's?

We have been involved in a small group during the entire time of this situation taking place. Both prior to, during and afterwards. Most of the people in the small group have moved onto other churches, some have started their own home church, which I enjoyed when we went but my husband did not like a woman there so he does not want to make that a regular church situation for us. We decided to maintain the small group because we had all come to love each other deeply and wanted to maintain the close family relationships that we had formed. So I was doing a Bible study and praying within a group even though for several weeks I was not attending church.

I have a strong relationship with Jesus. I walk with him beside me throughout my day. My prayer life is healthy and very active. I am still and listen for His response. He is my companion, my friend and not going to church for several weeks doesn't change that.

I guess I expect to feel more welcome when visiting a church. I have welcomed other new visitors when I was a member of my former church. I have introduced myself, offered information on groups or activities and done my best to reconnect with people when I would see them in church on the next Sunday. I have not received that here. My husband and daughter went to a luncheon after church yesterday and no one spoke to them. Is that not something that one should consider or notice when choosing a church family? I stayed home because my sciatic nerve disorder, because of which I am disabled, was acting up and very painful.

I actively praise God everyday. I am not a person that goes to church on Sunday and doesn't try to live it the rest of the week. I volunteer when my health allows, I do things for my neighbors to show God's love to them, our kids go to a Christian school. I keep in touch with people on the Internet and instigate prayer chains for those in need. So on and so forth.
The hour that I spend or don't spend in church is the lesser of the time that I spend praising the Lord. Is it too much to ask that I be able to spend that time in a place that feels joy filled? In a place that is evident to me that the Holy Spirit fills the congregation? Am I honestly asking to much of Church? I thought I was looking for what God expected Church to be.

If every church was for everybody then why aren't we all the same denomination attending the same church? I can keep my mouth shut and allow important decision to be up to my husband and 10 year old daughter, but that isn't Biblical is it? I do not think that I should be expected to accept so graciously a choice that was made, of this importance, with out my feelings being considered. I am his wife. He is to love me as Christ loved the Church. It is not Biblical to have a 10 year old be the fill in for the wife. I know that you addressed that in your response yet I feel that I am the issue here instead this. I differ in my opinion about whether or not it is about me. It ia about Christ and me and I believe that he wants me to feel welcome and comfortable in a house that he calls his home.

[believer]

charity1....Wow.....the type of husband that you all wish you had! That is amazing. You must know him better than I do. The encouragement here is quite something. Obey your husband and daughter. No wonder non Christians have a hard time with Christians.

Would it make you all happy to hear me say that I will now longer have my own opinions, feelings or desires. I will now let my husband make all of my choices for me and if he makes them with our 10 year old daughter as his advisor so much the better.

I'll worship were they want me to. There end of discussion. I now cease to exist.

[km]

I am sorry that I couldn't tell you exactly what you wanted to hear, and that I looked for what wasn't in your intital post as well as loking at what was there. It was my hope to give some good advice.

When your emotions are running so high as to paralyze you, sometimes that is the time to follow for a while and work on getting your emotions in check.

And by a good faith effort, I mean just that - you ought to give a real, true, fair attempt. I am not saying it will necessarily work, but you ought to try to make it work (within reason) enough that if it doesn't you can look back and honestly say it wasn't for lack of effort. If you have indeed done that (or do that) and the new church just isn't the right fit, then it is appropriate to discuss it with your husband and begin to look for a new church home together.

I sense a fair degree of hostility/anger/defensiveness here. It is hard to get an accurate sense of a church when one is such a frame of mind going there. I will grant the possibilty that this sense comes in some part from having been in the situation of being critized for not leading spiritually, and then being criticized and resisted over every attempt to so lead.

[believer]

km...please further explain your last paragraph. Yes I am hostile/angery and defensive. I don't understand what you mean by the rest of the paragraph though.

Just food for thought.....My husband...whom I love dearly and do believe is a gift to me from God....has taken 3 years to assume the disciplinary roll of a father towards his daughter. Our 3 year anniversary is tomorrow. He wanted me to assume everything where the daughter was concerned and then when I did he wouldn't support me. He doesn't want to be the "bad cop" and has told me so. He doesn't like to say no to her, he admits to that. He has some issues and has room for improvement. Not exactly the easiest man to live with. I have turned over the finances to him and he was quite strict about things until he realized that I brought in more money than he did and had the right spend some once in awhile. He will admit that he is not good at communicating and not very sensitive. We love each other regardless and will work through this. I am just surprised and disappointed that I am not considered important in this issue. He asks me if it's ok with me to give to a charity. Why won't he consult me, his wife, in the choice of a church?

[SAM]

What you should prayerfully consider is, what is best for the overall health of your marriage and your family? Yes, your husband should consider your needs, but consideration of the overall spiritual health of the family is equally important.

1) Maybe that means changing churches
2) Maybe that means finding a church that is "ours" instead of "mine".
3) Maybe it means the entire family sits down, has a discussion, visits several churches, then makes a decision together.
4) Maybe, if your husband feels strongly about where he would like to attend with your children, you give it a try for awhile.

And, there appears to be some deeper issues in your relationship other than this church issue. Perhaps, this was the icing on the cake?

Maybe some spiritual mentoring or couple counseling may be helpful in opening up deeper levels of communication between the two of you?

Also, not sure if you've heard that Emerson Eggerichs and his wife are now
doing conferences- Love and Respect - which would be helpful to any couple.
http://go.family.org/loveandrespectconf/

In the meantime, know that you do have people here praying for your marriage.

[rdsmith3]

believer

I can tell you are really hurting about all this and I am sorry you are in such pain.

Your husband should be aligned with you, and you should be aligned with your husband, and I tried to make that point. I am sorry that I was not clear on that.

In the best interests of the marriage, your husband should not just dictate to you what church to go to. It is ideally a mutual decision, made after some discussion and prayer.

In the best interests of the marriage, you should also consider your role in this. None of us here know what transpired between you and your husband. If something happened between my wife and me, and I think it was 90% her fault, I am still responsible for my 10%. Moreover, my belief that it was "only" 10% my fault is not reliable because we all lie to ourselves, rationalize, etc. Jeremiah 17:9. Only God knows the real truth.

If your husband is placing his daughter's interests above the marriage, then that is a problem.

If you have a conflict with your husband, you should seek to resolve it. First ask yourself if it is something that you can overlook. If you pray about that and you still cannot overlook it and forgive him, then you should have a discussion with him about it.

I can recommend a great book call The Peacemaker by Ken Sande that gives great information on resolving conflicts in a biblical manner.

Last, a word about feelings. There is nothing wrong with feelings. Your feelings should not be ignored. However, feelings are not truth. Feelings are the caboose on the train, not the engine. Truth is the engine. Feelings should not drive the train of your life or your marriage, even though they are part of it. I am not saying that your feelings are invalid, and I am not saying you should just be quiet with your husband, but there are times in a marriage when all of us have to put aside our feelings in the best interest of the marriage.

Consider Jesus praying in the garden before he suffered. I infer that He did not feel like going through the suffering. Mark 14:35-36 However, He was obedient to His Father. His relationship with God the Father, and His obedience to Him were more important than His feelings.

God loves you and God forgives you. Can you do the same for your husband?

[km]

With each posting, you flesh out your situation with more information - such that I suspect the advice you would have gotten from the start might have been shaded differently (if not actually pointed differently).

At 3 years into what appears to be second marraiges (yes, I'm reading between the lines), you are still somewhat in newlywed territory, but with the baggage that comes from prior relationships.

"km...please further explain your last paragraph. Yes I am hostile/angery and defensive. I don't understand what you mean by the rest of the paragraph though." That followed upon my comment that "It is hard to get an accurate sense of a church when one is such a frame of mind going there. I will grant the possibilty that this sense comes in some part from having been in the situation of being critized for not leading spiritually, and then being criticized and resisted over every attempt to so lead."

If you have a hostile/angy/hurt/defensive mindset going into any situation, it is hard to get a positive experience out of it. It predisposes you to look at the negatives instead of the positives, and to makes assumptions that thigs will go poorly so as to avoid getting into things and creating positives. For example, if this church is poor on having a welcoming attitude - then what can you bring to changing it? Could this be your call to step up and create something in a body of believers that needs help in that area? You may have been called there to fill a need of other believers (rather than to be served by them). A bad attitude going in makes it hard to see what purposes God may have had in what's going on.

Your husband's leadership role will be shaped as much (and likely more) by his failures and errors as by the successes. If he sees the error of how you got to where you are, he's learned and a purpose has been served. If not, you have a place to adress (maybe in counseling?).