Growthtrac Community

[gayle1977]

[km]

You don't really make up for it.

If he is able to forgive (like God has foregiven all who turn to Him) and if both of you commit to rebuilding on a solid foundation and going forward in a Godly manner, then you can get by it - and have things be better than they were.

[charity1]

gayle1977,
km is right, you can't really make up for it. All you can do at this point is start over and be the kind of wife you should have been all along. Love puts the other person's needs and desires before your own. If both spouses strive to do that, it makes for a really awesome marriage. If your husband is too hurt right now to put you before himself, you will just need to give him time. Tell him as well as show him how much you love him and how much he means to you. Don't smother him or push him, just tell him what is on your heart every now and then, and go out of your way to do nice things for him. Make God your top priority, then everything else will fall into place. Your husband needs to see that you are truly sorry. It will take quite a while for him to really trust you again. He has to see change, and will have to go through all the stages of healing. The forgiveness won't be just a one-time thing. With each memory, he will have to determine to forgive you again. Unfortunately the process can't be rushed. Be patient, get closer to God and pray continually.

[Elligirl]

I think that your wanting to make this up to your husband is a good start. It is your husband that can answer the question for you. I know what things I would like my husband to do for me when he comes back but men and women are so different.
I do feel however that you will have to let him have his times of expressing his pain to you.
And one thing more as Jesus told the woman taken in adultry "Go and sin no more"
Father I pray in the name of The Lord Jesus Christ that you heal this couple. Heal their lives, their love and their marriage. Father God draw them both closer to you each day and give them Your love for each other. Thank You Father for answered prayer. Amen, Amen, Amen

[neeny21252]

Gayle. These wise people are so right you cant make up for it.......it is done though both sides have so many "wish I could go back" moments and "if only moments" etc.
As I wrote in the other I do believe a marriage can survive and be better for it - there are days I will eat those words. the one thing I am learning (and from this site mostly) is both parties have major healing to do. My H became a person he is not - it also overwelms him.
I am so proud of you to be here and searching. I dont know if this will help or is good for you - but when I shared what I have wrote on here with my H - it was a true turning point. My H has gone over every forum a few times and has found such wise words of healing for him and me - Your desire to help your husband is wonderful and such a blessing.

[Empty Shell of a Man]

Another tip: no joking about good looking men. His insecurity is acute.

[Empty Shell of a Man]

What my wife did to help was answer a lot of questions. In church today 18 months after the 4month emotional affair ended a trigger hit me hard. I had to ask "on that first day you called him did you think of me?" and things like that. Answer everything you possibly can. It helps.

[sad]

You can never make up for it but the pain does fade with time. Infidelity is one of the hardest things a person can experience. His heart has been shattered. It is important that you cut all contact with the other person and be transparent in all of your actions. Honestly is important and realize that even though you may be embarassed and would like to forget everything and start over that your husband needs time. Your husband will need to grieve for the relationship he thought he had. It takes years to feel better and the process can not be rushed. Actions speak louder than words. Trust is rebuilt slowly over time but will probably never return totally. Try to make time for one another and try to have some fun. Go some place you haven't been and make new memories. I think each partner needs a break. An affair is emotionally exhausting. Be kind to each other even though you are feeling alot of conflicting emotions. Your partner will have frequent, painful flashbacks which bring him back to that time he first found out. He will disect your whole relationship trying to figure out what he meant to you. I wish you luck and I will pray for you both.

[Empty Shell of a Man]

[quote="Empty Shell of a Man"]Another tip: no joking about good looking men. His insecurity is acute.[/quote]

A very good response.

Practive invisible loyalty.

An older preacher who was a pastor to pastors, loved his wife for their entire lives. He kept himself and his eyes to himself. When Sports Illustrated came (he loved sports) the Swimsuit issue was thrown out. Sometimes, with other magazines, his wife would tear out any inappropriate ads before she gave it to him; on his request. Like Job, he made a covenant with his eyes.

Invisible loyalty: when no one is looking but God. God can see our eyes and heart. Turn away your eyes or heart (or both) from anything that would hurt your husband; no matter how insignificant. Talk to no one that would make him hurt. Have only couples friends. Never touch anyone in a manner that you would not touch your father. brother, relative, etc; who is not your spouse.

Make an extra effort to heal him. Read Song of Solomon and make that wonderful garden for him to enter into, taste, and find comfort. Go the extra mile.

I hope you can win him back.