Growthtrac Community

[Searcher]

We have been married for 25 years,last Sept. we seperated at my wifes request,she then filed for divorce in Nov.I spent allot of time reading and praying while we were apart,we are both christians and there was no cheating or abuse involved.
We were married young and I am the only man she has ever been with.Through the years I had a problem with jealusy and insecurity and made her feel controlled and smothered.
She kept things in until finally last year she said she needed time and space and we seperated.
She put the divorce on hold and asked me to come back home in March,mostly because of the kids and finances.We have been living together since March,sleep in the same bed every night,we get along great as friends and parents,but we are not really husband and wife or lovers.She says that she just doesn't have those feelings for me and doesn't know if she ever will.I am crazy about this lady and really miss her,but I am being very loving and very patient,I know that I caused her some pain with the way I acted in the past,I am no longer that man,I have done and continue to do allot of work on myself,that is something that she forced by her actions and something that I know had to happen.
I know God uses trials to help us grow and change and I'm thankful for that.
I am just ready for our marriage to get past just firends,I do see little signs here and there of her letting down some of the protective walls that she put up,but it is so hard sleeping with her every night and wanting so much to just hold her,but she's not ready for that and the last thing I want to do is push her backwards.
Please pray for us that God will help make me into the man that he wants me to be and that she needs me to be and that he will help her find her healing so she can let go of the past and step forward in faith to the new and better marriage that he has for us.

[SAM]

I have lifted you and your marriage up in prayer.

Are you continuing to see a counselor together?
Things that are broken do not get fixed if they never are spoken about.

[Searcher]

We are not currently going to counceling,she doed not want to right now.

We do attend church together and are functioning pretty well as a family,there is just no intimacy between us right now,there is no bitterness either,she is kind to me and we do talk about kids and finances and things like that,but not about getting past this friendship stage.

Where we are now is allot better place than we were six months ago.I believe we will get there,it's just in Gods time and his way not mine.

[SAM]

I can only share what I have needed to do in my marriage.
When we have been in a place of "stuckness", we have always sought the outside advice of close Christian friends who we trust to keep our business private, or when we have really been seriously stuck, we have a counselor who we go and speak with a few times for a tune-up.

I am not a big proponent of self-help. Because, if self could help, we would not be in the predicament we find ourselves in.

Usually individuals refuse to meet with a pastor or counselor because they do not wish to have a mirror held up to them that reflects their sinful nature back at them. Or, they know that counseling will require them to make personal changes in themselves.

The desire to seek out wise counsel in marriage is a strength to a marriage, not a weakness. So, I pray that you will spend some time seeing and talking with someone about your situation. Many times, if a spouse sees the other spouse working on themselves and changes being made, they will eventually join them for counseling.

Whatever pumps in the road you have together, you want to make sure you can smooth them out together, and also make sure they do not resurface down the road. Counseling helps you do that so that behaviors can be changed.