Growthtrac Community

[redfox000]

As with most people here, my story is a long long story going back several years. In summary, we have been married 11 years and have twin boys age 9 and a daughter age 5.

My wife basically has denounced her Christianity and had an affair on me 1 year and a half ago. She wanted a divorce at that time but for one reason or another we are still living together now. She states that there is no other man in the equation anymore, but I am not so sure.

Now she has started looking for apartments and wants a separation. She acknowledges that she is very short with the kids and is using this as one reason she needs to move out. She has her own bank account now that she puts her check into. Needless to say though, we cannot afford to pay for an apartment for her. She kind of reluctantly stated that she is open to counseling together with me, but did not commit to it before she moves out. She also said she wants one that is "not spiritual".

As with everyone here, this is extremely painful. I hurt most for our three kids that will have a very very difficult road ahead of them and some extremely difficult issues to face.

I have grown immensely, spiritually and emotionally, the past 2 years (been meeting with my spiritual mentor every couple weeks through the past 2 years). It is amazing the work God has done in me. She acknowledges that the issue is not with me, but with her. She is just convinced that things can never go back to the way they were when we were dating or newly married, and thinks things will get better for everyone involved if she leaves. I have read many books and done absolutely everything I can to show my love for her....she just rejects it and chooses to listen to the lies of the enemy.

Despite the tremendous progress I have made the past two years, it is still so very painful for me. It is almost like I hurt for four people. It is also so very hard not to see myself as a failure and to see my dreams die.

Like many my wife can sometimes be pleasant, but the minute anything of substance comes up, she closes up and goes into attack mode.

I'll stop rambling as I could probably just keep going and going.

[SAM]

Welcome to GT community, so sad to have you with us under these circumstances.

As hard as it is, there is nothing you can do to change your wife's mind.
All you can do is, love her like Jesus loves her. Easier said that done. This doesn't mean being a doormat to her whims and demands. There is a great book by Dr. James Dobson called Love Must Be Tough that might be helpful to you.

If you can make an appointment for counseling, let her know when it is, and go. And, choose a Christian counselor. Do not go to a secular counselor. Let your Christian counselor know how your wife feels about spiritual things at this time. If she does not go, then please go for yourself. Sometimes when a spouse sees a commitment from the other to seek help, they will attend. Do what you can to be healthy for yourself, and for your children.

I will keep you, your wife, and children in my prayers.

From your description, your wife seems broken, and far from God. Power of A Praying Husband by Stormie O'Martian may be very helpful to you in praying for your wife.

[redfox000]

Thanks for your quick response. I am researching christian counselors in my area.

[SAM]

Have you gone to see the movie Fireproof by yourself or together? Have you heard about the Love Dare?

[redfox000]

i have heard about it, yes. however at this time i don't think i should see it with her as she might see it as me pushing her or pressuring her. i'll keep it in mind though.

[SAM]

Ask anyway. If she says "no", then take time to see it on your own.

[redfox000]

Well, she kind of reluctantly agreed to go to counseling with me, although her tone of voice and her attitude have me questioning how serious she will take it or whether or not she will just go through the motions. She was on the attack though during the conversation.

In any case, I have prepared a list of counselors in our local area and I am going to again bring it up tonight, this time hoping we can come to an agreement on who to go start seeing. I am not expecting a pleasant conversation.

Also, this Thanksgiving break is going to be very stressful for me. At this point in time, she is not planning on coming over to my side at all.

Please keep us in prayer.

[SAM]

Prayer is easy! You're the one doing the hard work.

If and when you get to counseling, I want to give you something to contemplate.

If you enter into counseling with the mindset of, "I will work on myself to be the best husband I can be, and to make my marriage the best marriage it can be." Maybe you will win her over toward participating in saving your marriage.

If you want to win the counselor over by proving you are right, she is an awful person and a terrible wife who needs to change and you are there to "fix her" - counseling will never work.

[j3anjean]

I have been where you are now-when it seems like there is little or no resolution. I am praying for you, your wife and for your children. God has a way of turning things around.

My husband and I were seperated 3 1/2 years ago. I was sure nothing would change his heart. He was seeing an attorney and living with his girlfriend. God changed me and my heart and my husband came back home because of those changes. Don't give up hope. Keep praying.

[redfox000]

Thanks for your help and support.

[redfox000]

Just a quick update. We had our first counseling session together. She stated that a couple months ago she tried to kill herself and that that scares her very much that she got to that point. She swears there is no one else in the picture, and that she has already signed a year lease (although she only wanted a 6-month lease but they wouldn't do that) and wants that time to get away and "find herself", that she has no patience with the kids, that she is willing to try and work things out but that affection from me "makes me (her) want to vomit". She said, although she is willing to continue seeing the counselor with me to work through issues, she has no faith that it will change anything. Basically she wants the separation right now and i don't.

I guess I can see her viewpoint. She said that it is either that or she is going to end up killing herself. I do have the printout of the separation guidelines from this website that I will bring up.

My big concerns:

1) Once she leaves via separation (Jan 1) she will never come back.
2) Living alone will provide an easier way for her to commit suicide (she is seeing a counselor for that).
3) A guy will come along and the perfect (and vulnerable) time and tell her want she wants to hear.
4) The kids.

Please keep praying. Thanks.

[SAM]

Thank you for the update. It lets everyone know how we can pray for you and your marriage.

If your wife is suicidal, there are deeper issues taking place in her, than marital strife.

As for your concerns: Pray

Lord, I lift up the concerns, worries and anxieties of this husband and father to you. I ask that you add a special layer of protection over everyone and fight off the enemy. May you do a miraculous work to restore this woman's desire for life, family, and marriage. Make her whole again and put back together the broken pieces of her heart.

Redfox, as hard as it is, step back and lay this at Christ's feet. He is in control and will work it out. But, you have got to let go for him to do that. Hanging on tight, will not work. Pray, pray, pray. Buy The Power of A Praying Husband by Stormie O'Martian - and read it and pray through it several times a day if you have to. I encourage you to pray. And, anyone you trust who is a Christian brother or sister, ask them to pray too.

[redfox000]

One other question. If she stays away for a year, as she is currently insisting and has her own bank account that I don't have access to, what are the differences between a regular separation and a legal separation? Should I pursue one over the other?

[SAM]

That is a question you will have to take up with an attorney, if that is the direction you desire to take.

Even if there is an attorney here on the boards at GT, I would caution you to not take the advice, as separation laws vary from state to state.

Do what you need to do to legally protect yourself, and your children.
That may mean that you take your name off, or close out all joint credit cards. Then make sure you notify the credit bureaus that no new credit is to be opened without your verbal approval.

[redfox000]

Of course my next concern is finances. She got an unfurnished apartment on a one year lease. There is no way she can afford to furnish her apartment, pay rent, pay her auto loan, and other living expenses on just her income. She is going to want me to curtail my spending to support her.

I don't want to be an enabler and allow her to do that. Especially since she will more than likely not return anyway, despite what she says about "only" wanting a year away.