Growthtrac Community

[mom_of2boys]

Do you think this is something that both spouses can do?? Or should it be done by just one?

Hi, I'm new here and have been browsing the forums for a few days now. I decided to post to get some insight into my question. A little background info on my marriage - my husband blind-sided me a week before Thanksgiving, saying that "this wasn't working for him, he wasn't sure if he loved me anymore, loves being a dad not being a husband", and a bunch of other stuff. I seriously did not see that coming and felt like I had been punched in the face. My husband does not communicate well at all - he really keeps his feelings bottled up. We've had a lot of stress in our lives for the past few months - we're currently living with his parents (with 2 small children) while we renovate a home, we're in a never ending hole of debt, work has been slow for him, his parents criticize everything he does - and I think a combination of the stress and his bottled up feelings left him feeling like he didn't know what to do. He was willing to just throw it all away and was saying he didn't even want to make an effort to make it work.

Well, after he told me this, I ended up sending him an email the next day because I felt like I had so much to say to him and felt like he wasn't thinking clearly. I think I tore at his heart a little because that night he asked me to meet him for dinner (he had been staying at a hotel because "he needed some time alone"). I did and he told me that he wanted to try to make things work but wasn't sure how to go about it. I suggested counseling and he agreed. We just had our first session last week and we are going to have a long road ahead of us.

So since he was the one who was wanting to end everything, would I be the one to do the Love Dare? I mean, maybe not right now but eventually. I just feel like if he had the book too, he might learn something himself even if he never acted on it. He's not much of a reader though. We both saw the movie Fireproof together too.

Right now, I just feel so lost. It really hurt to have him say that he wasn't sure if he was "in love" with me anymore. I want to do whatever it takes to make our marriage work and for us to become stronger as a couple. But at the same time feel silly because I'm not sure yet to what extent he's willing to go and wonder if my efforts will really work. We're both Christians and attend church on a regular basis. I was more or less introduced to Christ through my husband so I'm still learning all about Jesus, etc. But, I'm ready to turn this over to God and ask Him to guide me and help me to pray for my husband and our marriage, to seek out His love and His strength to get me through this.

Thanks for reading.

[km]

There are some fairly clear/simple/direct/short books on relationship mending - one doesn't HAVE to be a great/prolific reader to benefit from them.

A good counselor might be a big help to a "bottled up" guy who isn't a big reader. A live in-person counselor would probably be best, but there are alternatives (in a different context, I did a personal coaching thing by telephone for about a year or so, and I felt it was very beneficial - there may be something similar for marital issues).

[SAM]

The Love Dare is a great tool, and can be used by both the husband and wife.

The really hard part to all of this is trying to figure out your husband's feelings. Wanting to take over the reigns of control so you can feel safe and secure in your marriage. Unfortunately, this is the part you have to leave in God's hands.

Living with mom and dad has to be overwhelming. No privacy, no time alone, no time for fun...

I know my husband gets rather testy when we don't go out and do something silly and fun together a couple times throughout the month. Date nights are essential - especially with the kids.

Every couple of months... he needs a complete change of scenery and a one or two day get away together. It refreshes him, clears his mind, and he's willing to open up and share a lot more with me.

Stick with the counseling... you marriage depends on it. And, the fact that he is willing to go is huge. Keep encouraging him, and thank him for his willingness to try for you and for your children.

Loving each other is a daily choice... it has nothing to do with feelings.