Growthtrac Community

[mom_of2boys]

My husband and I have only been married for 3 1/2 years and our sex life is already starting to fizzle. Now, I have been pregnant for 18 months of our marriage - and then there's the 2 months afterwards where you can't really do anything either. That's not saying we weren't intimate during my pregnancies - it just wasn't as frequent and there comes a time when you are too exhausted or sick or just too huge to move!

But, when we are intimate, it's always because I initiate it. I make the move or make the comment, etc. I have expressed my feelings on this to him before and I've asked him why he never does it - never got a clear answer on that one. I've told him that he'd probably get it more often if he ever initiated it. Maybe that's the wrong way to go about it but I want to feel like I'm wanted by him ya know? He's never turned me down and gets down right giddy sometimes about it, I just can't understand why he doesn't try on his own. I'm an attractive and fit woman, and the sex is great when we do have it. You always hear that sex is all men think about and most husbands can't keep their hands off their wives - maybe my husband is the odd man out??

On top of me disliking being the initiator all the time - see my post under the Welcome topic. We are having problems in our marriage - maybe some of this stems from his issues which we haven't figured out yet? We're in counseling already but it's just started. It's ok to continue to work on improving our sex life during this time right?? I know that intimacy is healthy and important for a marriage and I want to make it more of a priority for us.

[SAM]

Your situation is not as unusual as it seems. There is a huge myth in our society that men are always ready. That's not the case.

There is a great book by Michelle Weiner Davis called The Sex Starved Wife. She is not a Christian author, but Jewish. However, I do have respect for her work and her books. She's also written a book called The Sex Starved Marriage.

You mentioned earlier that you are living with his parents right now. That's enough to take the fizzle out of romance. And, you never know, he may be one of those guys who loves to have you sit next to him, listen, snuggle and hold his hand. There are men out there who enjoy this type of intimacy.

[km]

Oh what I would give to have a wife who felt that way.

Now, with littles ones around and all (and with being in with the folks too), that can make for a tough time to find the private time for intimacy - and the pressures of fatherhood and providing and such can be an issue for men too.

There can also be medical issues that drain the desire so as to make intiation unlikely (but wouldn't necessarily prevent responsiveness) - depression, stress, low testosterone, and there are plenty of other possible issues.

[rick_b]

It doesn't sound like its an issue of desire, though right? He is always ready once you make the move.

he may have some rejection issues, like a fear that you will reject him. sometimes that can be more powerful (fearing that you are rejecting him) than the reward (sex with his wife). I bring this up because I often struggle with the same thing. In fact my wife has said the same thing about getting it more, but there is a block there that I have to work through.

If this is the case, maybe you can gently approach the topic. Maybe you guys can create a signal or something safe which would mean, hey, are you interested?

One other note, we are told as Christian men all the time, don't just start trying to initiate sex all the time. If I go up to kiss my wife, the last thing I want her to think is, oh no, he wants sex again. Or, if I start rubbing her shoulders, or touching her in anyway. Perhaps your husband is in tune to those things as well?