Growthtrac Community

[WEZWEE]

HELLO, I'M A NEWLY MARRIED 35 YR OLD, AND I HAVE A PROBLEM.
I WAS MARRIED THIS PAST SEPTEMBER AND IN 4 WEEKS IT HAS GONE SOUR. MY HUSBAND CHANGED RIGHT AFTER WE WERE MARRIED. SINCE HE HAS MOVED IN WITH ME, I THOUGHT THAT HE WAS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF ME. BUT HE DIDN'T PAY ANY OR HALF OF THE BILLS IN OCT., THEN GOING INTO NOV. I ASKED HIM FOR HALF OF THE BILLS AND GAVE HIM A TOTAL. HE STATED THAT HE WASN'T GOING TO GIVE ME THAT MUCH MONEY..THIS MAN MAKES MORE THAN ME AND I THOUGHT HE WAS JUST GOING TO COME IN AND MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN MY WORLD, BUT HE HASN'T. NOW MY BANK ACCOUNT IS GOING DOWN BECAUSE IF WE NEED ANYTHING EXTRA IT HAS TO COME OUT OF MY ACCOUNT. I HAVE ASKED HIM TO PUT OUR MONIES TOGETHER IN ONE ACCOUNT, BUT HE ISN'T WILLING. I HAVE TWO TEENAGERS THAT I'M ALSO TAKING CARE OF ( THEY BOTH ARE STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL) AND THEY SEE THAT I'M SO UNHAPPY. PLEASE HELP ME OR GIVE ME SOME ADVISE ABOUT HOW I CAN TALK TO THIS MAN..DON'T GET ME WRONG I'M NOT AFTER HIS MONEY I JUST WANT HIM TO SET DOWN WITH ME AND TALK TO ME ABOUT BILLS AND HOW WE AS A COUPLE WE CAN HELP EACH OTHER..

[SAM]

Welcome, I'm so glad that you have come to GT community.

Did you sit down and discuss financial matters before your marriage with a mentor couple, pastor, or counselor? If not, then now would be the time to make an appointment to speak with someone.

Or, make an appointment with a financial counselor. There may be someone at your church who is willing to coach both of you.

Also, another idea would be to open a joint bank account. In this way, you each put money into this account each month that helps with the household finances. Sit down together each month, go through the bills, then decide what each of you will contribute. Also, decide what each of your will contribute to a mutual savings account and emergency fund.

I THOUGHT THAT HE WAS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF ME.

This is a very wide-ranging expectation. Take care of you how? And, have you asked him what taking care of you means to him?

THIS MAN MAKES MORE THAN ME AND I THOUGHT HE WAS JUST GOING TO COME IN AND MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN MY WORLD, BUT HE HASN'T

Again, a very unrealistic expectation, especially if you never discussed financial matters together. It seems (from your post) that he feels his money is his money.

Did you expect that his money was going to become your money? If you didn't lay out a budget together before marriage, and discuss how finances were going to be taken care of, then it's understandable as to why your financial expectations are not lining up.

I HAVE ASKED HIM TO PUT OUR MONIES TOGETHER IN ONE ACCOUNT, BUT HE ISN'T WILLING.

Why is he not willing? Has he said what he will agree to?

You have to sit down in a quiet place with no interruptions and no children present, and have this difficult conversation. Example:

-I do not want our finances to come between us in our marriage.
-It's important that we sit down together and work out a budget.
-Reviewing bills together is a priority, and paying them together too.
-I need your help to do this. You are my husband, and this is a joint reponsibility.
-If we can't do this, then we need to get outside help.