Growthtrac Community

[rdsmith3]

I saw this in Christianity Today

a healthy marriage can be measured by six interrelated criteria:

1-a sense of oneness
2-an atmosphere of acceptance, openness and resolution
3-passionate sexual intimacy
4-an unswerving commitment to God and to each other
5-a spirit of forgiveness
6-a sense of a marital mission

Hmmm ... I think we are 0 for 6

[km]

Crud! I have partial credits on only 3. Maybe 2 to 2 1/2.

The other 3 are complete misses.

[SAM]

I'm sorry. Thank you for sharing.

However, I would imagine there are not many couples who could say they are running on all six cylinders. It doesn't come easy, but we can definitely strive toward these items.

[SAM]

RD - who wrote the article in CTI?

[rdsmith3]

RD - who wrote the article in CTI?

Tim Gardner

Here is a link to it
http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/2000/summer/2.30.html

[km]

I saw his notation that the average frequency for sex is 2.3 times per week.

Our problem is that I am wired for way more (early in the marriage I would have been happy at a 2.3 per day clip, although I've slowed with age) and she is wired for way less (we're now cruising not much above 2.3 per year, and she wasn't ever much more interested for her own sake).

The number is irrelevant - the only problem is mismatches of libido. If I were happy at a handful of times per year or she were at at least once a day, or we were both happy at the same place at any point in between, we'd both be happy with it.

[SAM]

A difference in libido is a common problem for many couples. It seems to get buried in Christian circles. However, no matter how you cut the cookie, 2-3 times a year isn't going to make someone very happy in the relationship.

Scripture provides us with direction on how this has to be a "mutual" decision between a husband and wife. It can't be one-sided.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5

[rdsmith3]

A difference in libido is a common problem for many couples. It seems to get buried in Christian circles. However, no matter how you cut the cookie, 2-3 times a year isn't going to make someone very happy in the relationship.

Scripture provides us with direction on how this has to be a "mutual" decision between a husband and wife. It can't be one-sided.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5

My situation is similar to km's -- it happens at her initiation every two to three months.

If I try to talk to her about it, we get nowhere. She thinks men are disgusting pigs. If I mention scripture, she says I am being judgmental and using a God hammer against her.

she does not seem to acknowledge that she has control, and has chosen a life of near celibacy for me.

I love her and really want to connect with her. She just does not understand.

[km]

It also seems that the lower libido always "wins" the frequency battle (the higher one can't really force a partner to be into it more often than is desired by the partner and if both aren't into it, it is bad for both).

[SAM]

The power belongs in God's hand, not our own. Whoever wants sex the least in marriage holds the power. Power has the ability to distort and corrupt . When we hold the power over our sex-life we play God. It's an abuse of power. If you are the spouse who holds the power, you will be tested spiritually.

You can use power in two ways -
1) to give generously and with kindness
2) or to manipulate

[Elligirl]

I know that this probably will not make sense to you guys. But I will tell you a truth that can change all things. Prayer. Pray for your wife.
One more thing I felt led to add. My husband never had reason to complain about this in our life yet he went out in adultry. I am standing for our marriage and at first it was very hard on me not to be physical. It is something that I have had to pray about. But God is faithful. It is still not easy but is something I can endure.

[rdsmith3]

Elligirl,

I appreciate what you are saying. I do pray often for my wife and our marriage.

To be fair, the lack of physical intimacy (including kissing) is a symptom of larger issues in our marriage. I trust that it will be resolved when the bigger issues are resolved, if God chooses to do so.

My wife and I are both sinners; we both have made mistakes in our marriage that have hurt the other person. I am not in any way saying that it is all her fault, and I have taken accountability and asked forgiveness for my sins. I believe the main difference, though, is that she is not committed to the marriage. She still seems to have one foot in and one foot out.

More and more, I see that the hurt from her childhood, due to issues with her father, has caused her to mistrust men, and even God. It is hard for her to trust; it is hard for her to forgive once the trust has been damaged (whether the hurt is real or not does not matter). Therefore, it is hard for her to love.

Because it is hard for her to trust, she will not open herself up to me, hence our lack of physical intimacy. In addition, she has stated that she does not love me, does not like me, regrets marrying me, and so on, and so on.