Growthtrac Community

[haveyourrib]

My husband and I have been married for nearly 5 months. During this time we have had several instances of verbal and physical abuse going both ways. It got to a point where it was getting to be very dangerous, H pressing on my chest so I couldn't breathe, holding pillows over my face, strangling me, hitting me closed and open fist upside the head, etc. At this point I decided that no matter how bad things got I needed to not retaliate in anyway because he is so much bigger and stronger than me and can really do some damage. I found writing to be very theraputic, and I began journaling and confessing things that were not appropriate to say out loud as a response to the verbal attacks that my husband was using on me. This Thanksgiving as we were spending time with my family, my H became horribly verbally abusive calling me very hurtful names and also putting down my family. This continued for hours at a time over the course of 3 days. I was finally fed up and wrote out my confession of how I feel about how he treats me, detailing many instances where abuse has taken place. There has also been sexual abuse, my husband grabbing me roughly, ripping clothes off of me, penetrating me against my will when he is angry with me, making vidoes of us while I am unaware and refusing to delete them, viewing pornography while masturbating, etc. Needless to say, intimacy has been difficult for me as it is hard to comprehend how love and pain can come out of the same place. After writing my confession I shared it with a few others anonymously in another forum that I frequent. They encouraged me to leave him, and because of the dangerous nature of my situation I have come up with various escape plans and found out about shelters and different services in our area.

My husband found my anonymous confession and sent it to two of his siblings. In my confession I did mention that there were aspects of their lives and their involvement/influence in our life that I did not care for. I am not allowed to speak with anyone about what has been going on in our marriage, yet he speaks to his brother and sister very openly and freely, even calling them to come over our house to "mediate" even though I have asked him not to involve them. His brother is a Christian but at the same time is always telling wildly innappropriate sexual jokes and comments and degrading his wife in a public sexual manner. I know that my husband has referred to our sex life as "getting some ***" when he is communicating with his brother. My husband lied and told me that he had found it and that it had really opened his eyes, but he said that he had not sent it to anyone.

The past week has been quite difficult as I have been under constant verbal, emotional, psychological and mental abuse. I have worked very hard not to retaliate. He was swerving on the highway to scare me, telling me that he was going to cuss me out and be terrible to me on purpose so that he would have something to apologize for, and attempted to disturb my sleep and rest by saying that there is a demon in the corner of our bedroom that likes to pet my hand. Despite this I have tried to be a respectful and supportive wife. Last night we got into a disagreement(the bulk of our disagreement this past week has been that I felt extremely disrespected when my husband thought that it would be a good idea to comment on a female actor's nude behind in the movie "Yes Man" saying that it was NICE very loudly in the theatre, he thinks it's my personal opinion that action was disrespectful and that it wasn't really) and it got to the point where he pushed me into the TV, broke my computer screen, and pushed me into a glass table causing it to topple and a glass cake plate to shatter all over our floor. He then tried to leave the house with my debit card so that I would not have any access to funds. I finally called the police and they came out and gave him a citation. He is very angry with me for calling the police. They made him leave the house for the evening and my family came to pick me up and take me out of town. He now says that he will be moved out by the time I get home and that he wants an annulment.

I am very hurt, and do not want to divorce. I would like to work on our marriage, but I know that his brother and sister are telling him to do otherwise. What can I do? We are both Christians but have fallen very far from God in a laxsidaiscal search for a new place of worship that suits the both of us. I know the behaviors that he is exhibiting are not true to his character, unless he is simply revealing the real him. Please pray for me, I feel such a loss. We were doing great at one point and he snapped so quickly. He always apologizes and then pretty much voids his apology by saying that how I felt was insignificant, or silly. I have a hard time accepting these apologies. Was it wrong for me to call the police?

[haveyourrib]

I guess I am just bumping my post, I really would like some prayer, encouragement, advice, stories from people that have made it through a similar situation, anything. Thank you in advance.

[km]

I can't offer much in the way of practical advice - my marital problems tend to be more of the 'cold war' variety instead of what you describe. I can only offer some encourgement, and ask that you keep checking in here, as some have a closer experience to yours (but weekends and holidays are sometimes slow here).

[SAM]

Welcome, so sorry to have you hear with us under these circumstances.

It is important for you to leave this situation immediately.
Please note: I did not say divorce or annulment. I said leave and get yourself to a safe place where you will not be emotionally, verbally, psychologically or physically battered. Christian or not, you have one VERY sick husband.

Make an appointment with your pastor, or a counselor. Do not go back to your husband, do not live with him,
until he is willing to participate in full-time intensive counseling. This is the only condition under which you can reconcile. And, you will need to give this at least six months to a year, to make sure he is committed to long term counseling. If he waivers in any way, blames you for his actions and abuse ... then he is not owning up to the condition of a heart that is very far from God. Make sure he is 100% committed to making this work before you ever think of moving back in with him. I am deeply afraid for you.

Protect yourself financially. Take your name off all joint bank accounts. Take the funds in your bank account that belong to you, and open a separate bank account in your name alone. Close out all joint credit cards.

You are in extreme danger...
I am praying for you, and for the strength from God to make some very tough decisions.