Growthtrac Community

[blended]

Hi. I am new to this whole thing. I was so frustrated tonight that I just sat down on my computer and started searching for marriage enrichment seminars or anything that can help our marriage. First of all, we are a blended family. We have been married for 7 tough years. I brought 3 kids into the marriage and my husband brought 1. All the kids lived with us until recenly we had 2 graduate from high school. The two 18 year olds decided they would move out because they were ADULTS! We still have my daughters 17 and 11 at home. My son that moved out just moved across town with a friend. He is attending a junior college and working part time. He and his roommate split all the bills at their apartment and we pay for the college education, car, insurance and cell phone. My husbands daughter moved out into an apartment about 10 miles from home. Her reasoning was because she would be closer to school. But, less then 1 month of her moving out her boyfriend moved in. My husband is continuing to pay for her college education, car, insurance, cell phone, groceries and puts $800.00 a month into a checking account for her rent/utilities/cable.....whatever her and her boyfriend want. My husband has hired her boyfriend and he makes very good money. My husband said he was only going to do this for 2 months and then he was cutting the money off. Well we are going on 5-6 months and he wont do anything about it. I ask him every month and he just ignores me. I told him that we did not raise any of our kids to live with their boyfriend/girlfriend .....much less us pay for it. This has created such a wedge between us. I asked him tonight if he was ever gonna put a stop to it.....and he just said " well, I need to have another talk with her".....he said "but, I don't want you there". Might I add, we all attend church regularly. We teach sunday school. We have attended counseling sessions but, nothing seems to be helping us. My husband never confides in me about anything. He wants me to just be silent and not say anything about "issues".....morally or not! I just don't know what to do. I sure don't want another marriage to fail. If anyone has any suggestions I would love to hear them. Thanks!

[rdsmith3]

I can really, really relate to your story. I am the husband in a blended family. See my post here for some background:

http://www.growthtrac.com/boards/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=1542&p=9315&hilit=+inappropriate#p9315

I will be honest and say that when I married my current wife, I was a fence-sitter/enabler/peacekeeper. Those are not good attributes to have. I thought that I could make my kids happy and my wife happy. Also, perhaps I felt bad for my kids because their mother was abusive and they had been through some tough times. In addition, I received some bad advice from a Christian counselor and a pastor. I am not blaming them -- I am responsible for my own sins -- but they just reinforced a bad situation.

About three years ago, in late 2005, my wife and I sat down with a different Christian counselor. He really set me straight that, after God, my primary relationship is with my wife. With God's tremendous help, I began a conscious effort to make changes in my life (which still continue). I had to make it clear to my oldest son that his behavior was sinful, that he was not honoring God or parents, and that if it continued there would be consequences. I had to put him in a residential facility and, when he turned 18 and left, I had to tell him that he is not welcome in our home unless and until he repents and makes at least some effort to reconcile with us. We still do not have a relationship.

I am not sure what advice to give you except that you have to keep communicating with your husband in a loving and caring way, and not come across as if you are attacking his kids. Instead, you could try communicating that all sins are ultimately offenses against God, and this his support of his daughter means that he is condoning her sinful behavior. You really, really need some couples counseling to sort out the blended family issues that have probably been lingering for seven years. He needs to show some tough love, but he may have trouble hearing that from you. It may come across more clearly from a counselor.

One other thought -- it is implied in your post that your kid is the responsible, good kid, and his kid is the irresponsible child who is living in sin. Now I realize that this might be 100% factual, but try to avoid the temptation of comparing "your" kids to "his" kids, and instead try to see them all as children who belong to both of you. they are all God's children. I am not saying you are doing anything wrong, but it is more a matter of how things are communicated between you.

Who mentioned the D word -- you or him?

Above all else, keep praying.

[blended]

Thank you so much for the advice. I posted in the middle of the night and my thoughts weren't totally clear. So, Im sorry if you had trouble following what I was trying to say. First of all, the "D" word was mentioned by me. After he said he didn't want me around when he talked to her I asked him If he loved me. When he didn't reply I said, "do you think divorce is the answer", and he said " well, I don't know". As far as my son goes, I am very sorry to mislead you in thinking he is the "perfect" one.....that isn't the case at all. Actually, I found a bottle of vodka in his room and I told him we would NOT allow drinking in our home and that I was very disapointed. The very next week his dad came around and helped him and his buddy find an apartment & he moved out. He still comes around and eats with us on Sunday after church and we still have contact but, "perfect" he is not.........LOL HE IS A TEENAGER and thinks he has life figured out, too! This has been very tough! As far as Mark (my husband) and I......well, from early on in our relationship I have felt like a doormat. When it came to his parents or daughter I might as well just be a mute, because It didn't matter......I was just wasting my breath if I said anything. His parents didn't speak to me for over a month because I took my daughter and my "bonus" (step) daughter to a Girls of Grace conference about 4 hours away from our home. My husbands father has agraphobia.......but, it has trickled down to his control over "Maurie" (bonus daughter). They called me down HARD! I couldn't believe it! Even said to me...."what if there was a fire in that hotel.....you would have got your daughter out first but left maurie".....CRAZY! My mother-n-law passed away last year, after a long battle with cancer. We spent days at the hospital before her passing and while we were there on Christmas Day my father n law had a massive heart attack. He survived and I felt like he was finally letting me help him and accepting me, however, a couple of days after his moms passing the family was having trouble with their sister who is an alcoholic and was very dependent on her mother. They called for a "family" meeting and Mark asked me to come with him.....when we walked into the door his dad just started shaking his head and his aunt said "Francie, we just need family here and we don't want to hurt your feelings but, if you don't care could you go back home......I said okay and out the door I went, alone! I am a social worker. I worked for an agency for 15 years that dealt with alcohol addiction along with many other services........I really could have provided some good information.....but I wasn't FAMILY......and never have been. I have tried to put these things behind me but, each time my husband shoves me aside all the bad memories flood my mind. We just finished our first year and Christmas without his mom.....I had a big Christmas and New years dinner...........and invited his family. They all came and ate with us so, hopefully that situation is slowly getting better. But, we are still dealing with the kids. My husband works as a field electrician and he is gone for long hours day and night. I work 3-4 nights a week at hospital and our schedule doesn't allow for much time together. I am feeling so alone in our marriage and I can just ignore it for a while but then, boom....it hits me and I complain, complain, complain! I will try really hard to stop that and deal with things better....but, I can't agree to continue putting $800.00 a month into an account for Maurie and her boyfriend to live together. It is WRONG!

[rdsmith3]

As an outsider, I can see things that both of you are doing that are similar to mistakes my wife and I have made, and that is just hearing one side of it. I am not being judgmental -- I am right there with you making some of the same mistakes.

I think the $800/month would pay for a lot of good Christian counseling, both individual and joint, and would be a much better use of that money, IMO.

[blended]

What is is that I need to do different? Am I supposed to do nothing.....feel nothing....say nothing...? You have been in a similiar situation..........what can we do to make this work? I don't feel like you are being judgemental.....just honest. Thank You!

[rdsmith3]

Well, things are not great in my marriage, either, so I am not sure I am the best person to be giving advice. There are others here who can give you better advice on how a wife should handle this.

Of course you should be communicating with your husband. You should not be a doormat; you should not say nothing. You want to communicate in a loving way and show him that you are aligned with him. But I don't know anything about how you and your husband interact with each other. I think that most men (including me) will dig in their heels more if you come across as nagging, accusing or attacking (I'm not saying that you are). I guess it is the male ego. For example, a less desirable way to make a point to your husband would be, "When are you going to stop supporting that daughter of yours who is living with that boy? How do you expect her to change if you keep falling for her BS? She needs to grow up, be responsible for herself and stop living in sin." Alternatively, you could make similar points, but in a more respectful way. "John, you know we have a different perspective on how to best support (name of daughter). We may not see eye-to-eye on this, but I will respect your opinion. I know that we both care about her, and we both want her to mature into the best possible Christian woman that she can possibly be. Sometimes that may mean we have to allow her to make her own mistakes." Well, you get the idea.

In a blended family, there are these pre-existing dividing lines that can only come down if you both make an effort to show the love of Christ to all the children.

Your best option is for both of you to commit to good Christian counseling -- not just go a few times, but really commit to it. We all have sin issues we have to deal with, and it can be difficult to sit in counseling and hear about what I am doing wrong. It is much easier to talk about what my spouse is doing wrong. For that reason, I believe many people give up on counseling.

[blended]

We went to a great christian counselor oh....about 4 times. My husbands work schedule sure isn't very flexible. But, I did mention that to him today. I also bought the book from the movie Fireproof......hoping we can get started on that together real soon. This is just a really tough situation in many ways. Thanks for all your input!

[grateful]

If we are to be godly women, we should provide our opinion to our husband when he asks for it. We can speak up and do otherwise when we his choices and actions are against God's principles. I would recommend you read the book A Woman After God's Own Heart by Elizabeth George. Believe me, when you submit to your husband's desires, even if the results are not the best, you will be blessed. When you do as he recommends, you honor and respect him, and this is what he needs from you to feel loved. Make your husband your priority.

[blended]

To: grateful...............my husband is my priority, next to God. I am a very loyal, committed wife. I have just lost so much respect for him over his unwillingness to do what is biblically right in order to not make his daughter and her boyfriend upset with him. His daughter has been such a manipulator from day one and regardless of the situation he will give her anything she asks for even if it is biblically wrong. I feel like if we gave them $1.00 toward their living together we are doing wrong....... $800.00 is an enornous amount of money. I worry that the consequenses of the sin is going to be on our family/marriage. I love my husband and all our kids with all that I am. I have given this situation totally over to God. God,My husband and our kids know where I stand on this issue and I don't feel bad for standing up for what is right........should I?

[grateful]

Dear blended, I am so sorry you are going through this situation. I can only imagine how frustrating and exasperating it must be. I will be upfront with you in letting you know that I am not an expert counselor, but I can give you some suggestions based on experiences, testimonies, and reading.

Apparently, your husband feels giving away $800 a month to his daughter is okay; you disagree. The way I see it is that you have already approached him about it, confronted him, etc. Now it is time to be quiet, pray, wait, and love him just the way he is. It will be challenging to be loving and endearing when your opposition to his choices is so powerful. The devil likes that... he likes to divide us, tear us apart. Please do not let this situation make you treat your husband in a negative manner. More than ever, show him a lot of tenderness, attention, consideration, romance, etc.--like I said earlier: honor and respect. A lot of that means shutting up when we want to stand up for what we believe is right. Hang in there.

You mentioned that it is wrong for him to give the money to his daughter, but you did not mention whether it has been a significant financial strain. Have you been able to pay all your bills every month, do you have enough food, OR are you getting deeper and deeper into debt? If giving away the money is not a big financial strain, then let it be. He is the husband, and is in charge. However, if giving away the money is getting you into horrible financial trouble, then it would be especially good to seek serious marital and financial counseling, even if on your own. Then you would have to decide to stay or leave. Some wives are convicted by God to stick out, some are not. Just like some spouses can forgive and remain married to husbands that cheat on them (or vice versa). I know a gal whose husband's poor money choices got them into serious debt, I mean hundreds of thousands dollars, but she stood by his side, and they recovered from it. Now they are fine. It was not easy, but it was possible. What helped her get through it, and what her husband appreciated, was her faithful devotion and respect even though he had screwed up big time. Just like God forgives our huge and what may seem like unforgivable mistakes, we should try and do the same! Like the song says, "stand by your man..." Was that Patsy Cline??

To help change your demeanor toward your husband and hopefully get you into a peaceful mood about this... think about what it was about your husband that attracted you to him in the first place... Why did you get married to him? Try to think about the great things about him, focus on that. Try to have dates at least 1 or 2x/month to have some relaxation and fun and do not bring up anything about this money situation. Just enjoy his company.

I will be praying for you.