Growthtrac Community

[rdsmith3]

A confession

We had a really tense holiday period. I won't go into all the details, but there was a lot of conflict in our marriage. Yesterday, I ended up doing something that I deeply regret. I felt pushed to the limit, but I don't want to make any excuses or take away my accountability. After several rounds of bickering, my wife had gone out Sunday afternoon to get away and do some shopping. I was lying down in our bedroom (I had hurt my back) and was watching football. As soon as she came home she started in again where she left off. I tried to just leave the room because I could not take it any more. She closed the door and blocked it with her body. I could not leave the room. I finally put my hand on her mouth and screamed at her, repeatedly, "This has got to stop. The stuff coming out of your mouth must stop." When I took my hand away, she called me a blanking a$$____, which she does often. So I did it again. I put my hand on her mouth and screamed repeatedly, "I am not an _______. Stop calling me that. I am a human being, I am not an ______ ."

So that is my confession of how I badly handled a situation and did something wrong to my wife. I should not have covered her mouth and yelled at her.

Praise

In some later conversations with her, she said that she does not want to do what she does, but she just cannot stop. She compares it to an alcohol problem -- you don't want to drink today, but you end up doing it, and then you feel lousy later for having done it. It is just like Paul says in Romans 7:15-19

For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.

The praise part is that my wife has a regular Monday morning meeting with a few other moms. They pray for the kids, usually. She told me that today she opened up to these other women and was very honest with them, and asked them to pray for/with her. I told her I was very proud of her, that she did a great thing because I know it is difficult for her to open up to others.

Question

Men and women just think differently. There is no doubt about that. My wife has said to me, and also to these other women, that one reason it is difficult for her to surrender to God is because she is afraid that He will take one of the kids away from her. I just don't understand that, but she said that the other women completely understood it, and had similar fears about losing kids.

Is this a common thought with women?

Prayer Request

Please pray for our marriage. Please especially pray that my wife will trust 100% in God's love for her, and His forgiveness. Pray that she will no longer be angry at God, and others. Pray that Godly women will have a positive influence on her.

Thanks.

[SAM]

Thanks for your honesty and willingness to share your struggles. I have lifted you and your marriage up in prayer today.
It is perfectly okay for you to tell her you will no longer allow her to talk to you in that manner. It is okay to walk away from her when she does. The hand over mouth, and screaming back, well... as you have said, you regret it. We all have done things in our marriages we are not proud of. And, your willingness to confess this to those of us here and to go God with a sincere and broken heart, does heal.

Have you had a chance to tell your wife how deeply sorry you are for your actions?

As for fearing that God will take one of my children away...
I can't say that I have ever experienced that fear. I can understand that it would be absolutely devastating to a mother, and I would question God, if that were to happen. But, to fear it... I'm not wrapping my arms around that one.

I've been reading a new book this week called From Anger to Intimacy by Dr. Gary Smalley and Ted Cunningham. It is pretty awesome and may be very helpful to you and your wife.

[rdsmith3]

Sam,

I did apologize.

She is not really interested in reading books, and has told me that.

[SAM]

My husband is not a reader of books, either. However, he is willing to read a paragraph that I
bring to his attention from time-to-time. I express it by letting him know what I have been
reading, and there is a concept that was helpful to me or would be helpful to our relationship
that I would like to discuss. He usually receives it well - especially if it has a dose of humor
to it.

Driving home yesterday from Kentucky, I was reading some of the Anger To Intimacy book to
him. We had some very good conversation about the concepts in the book.

You've expressed your wife's pain before. Is she really okay with things staying the way
they are in your relationship? Does she not want a better marriage?

Praying for you....

[j3anjean]

rdsmith3 I am praying for you and your wife. I remember being that angry. I know those feelings and I am lifting your marriage up in prayer today.

YES...those fears are real. I have had them at times. Sometimes it seems like God tests those whom He loves. For a while I was scared to trust Him because I wondered what else I would be tested on. When we open up our hearts and tell God that we will trust Him no matter what... then the fear kicks in. Will I lose a child? my spouse? will I get sick? what happens now? It is turning over control and still having faith and for a lot of us that is so hard. It is a little fear that builds up and becomes overwelming. I don't know how to explain it.

[rdsmith3]

SAM

Thanks for the prayers. We both need them.

She is not happy with the current situation, but says she is unable to change. It is as if she is waiting for God to zap her with a sudden feeling of peace, and it is not happening. She feels anxious, afraid, irritated and angry. She has felt this way for years, and wants it all to stop.

I am not sure it would come across too well if I tried to read from a book to her. I have tried various things in the past (such as e-mail her a devotional that I thought was good or appropriate). She would probably say that I am preaching to her; that I think I am better; that she knows what she is supposed to do (e.g., forgive) but she is unable to do it. Even the mere presence of a book I am reading can make her angry. She has thrown out several books that I have been reading, such as "The Power of a Praying Husband." Usually, she will get the book out of the trash later.

In fact, I think that much of what happened on Sunday was started by the sermon at church. Our pastor has started a four part series on marriage that he calls "Fireproofing your Marriage." Coincidentally, in our couples small group, we started on a study in early December based on "Fireproof." Anyway, the sermon was about the self-sacrificing (agape) love we are supposed to have for our spouse. Afterwards, she admitted that she did not have it. The pastor had also said that if a person says that they have fallen out of love with their spouse (which she has) then they probably never loved their spouse with agape love. This seemed to affect her.

So she often has these angry reactions to anything that seems to be condemning, but her view of condemning is very broad. I guess this is a long-winded way of saying that I think that the Holy Spirit is convicting her of certain areas in which she needs to change, but she has expressed the difficulty of changing. I do not know her heart, but it seems somewhat hard, from my perspective. I will continue to try to love her the best I can.

[SAM]

Just trying to give you some ideas that have worked for me. Of course, I know each marriage is different, and what works for me may not work for you or your circumstances.

Thank you for sharing what you have. She seems to be a very hurting soul, and I will continue to lift her up in prayer. From what you describe, it sounds like the Holy Spirit is working on her and she keeps fighting it with all her might. I pray that the walls she has put up will be broken.

I have a very dear friend who grew up under similar circumstances, and suffers from similar anger issues. I cannot even talk to her about God without causing her extreme anxiety. I also have another friend who suffered through extreme sexual child abuse and Satanism, who sought out the help of Dr. Dan Allender, and is healing in miraculous ways. It is amazing to watch God heal her heart. Why or how others get past it, I do not know - but my friend who is healing said she had to make a choice to stop being a victim and learn to live in God's grace and promises. The only way she was able to do that was by reading His promises in the Bible.

[km]

It sounds like she is getting convicted of errors but still wishes to cling to those errors - a very apt summary of the fallen nature of mankind.

[j3anjean]

In fact, I think that much of what happened on Sunday was started by the sermon at church. Our pastor has started a four part series on marriage that he calls "Fireproofing your Marriage." Coincidentally, in our couples small group, we started on a study in early December based on "Fireproof." Anyway, the sermon was about the self-sacrificing (agape) love we are supposed to have for our spouse. Afterwards, she admitted that she did not have it. The pastor had also said that if a person says that they have fallen out of love with their spouse (which she has) then they probably never loved their spouse with agape love. This seemed to affect her.

BINGO! When the Holy Spirit tries to reach through to us, sometimes we fight it tooth and nail. The reaction and argument that ya'll had on Sunday sure sounds like it stemmed from a fight she was already having with the Holy Spirit. You just got the brunt of it. I'm not saying you are not responsible for your actions but you already know that.

[rdsmith3]

I have told her that she is really fighting God, not me. I think she knows that, but still cannot let go.