Growthtrac Community

[niki]

I am dealing with a new marriage (2months), new living arrangements and my husbands wandering eye. I posted my story under the topic Infidelity but decided to post this question in the emotional needs. Is there hope after trust is broken? I have read the blogs about the dangers of porn- my husband watches that too. In fact I was awaken 2 nights ago by the sound of the DVD player (he muted the actual sound of the *) going through the various discs he has in the recorder. I asked what was he doing and he turned it off and said he was waiting for me to wake up. I fell in love and married a man (after a year and a half of dating and spending lots of time together) that has disappeared and now have a lying, cheating, porn watcher. How does someone change right before your eyes? How does someone misrepresent themselves, marry you and then disregard everything? My trust is gone- how do I heal?

[km]

This is difficult - it sounds as if you were actively decieved going into the marriage and that he may not have given up the other woman. Can you get some of the men in your church involved in getting either - him straightened out and ontot the right path with you (and only you) - or get to the bottom of the issues so as to see that he isn't going to get on the right path (in which case you'll need to be considering how you might stay with him or looking at splitting from him).

My heart goes out to you.

[redlands59]

Hi Niki,

I share your pain. Deeply.
When I was 19, I fell for a wonderful guy that made me feel safe in all other aspects of life except my sexuality, after marriage.
The man I married was addicted to porn and I had no idea that the day he agreed to remove all the mags before we married, was really a sign of things to come. More mags. We were so in love that we set out to have a child right after we married and it happened. After she was born, I caught him with mags 3 differant times. The third time he became so angry because I caught him, or more so, that he got caught, that he hit me in the side of the head and I saw stars. I ran out of the house and drove to my parents house, scratchced up, with a pounding head and crying uncontrollably. When I arrived, my dad asked me what I did to cause it. So, back I had to go to him and I had lost bascially, all respect for him. We divorced after a second child and another round of his anger/physical abuse and disrespect.

My point is: Weigh the situation carefully. Do you see him as capable of physically or emotionally abusing you?
Determine if your safety is at risk. #1

Is he willing and interested in going to Couple's counseling? That would be the next most important step. Trust was broken and you both need skills in how to handle this delicate situation to repair the relationship, if that is your intention. Otherwise, you may find that your self worth and confidence may take a dive. Mine did. You will need support and he will also need to get into a men's group at church for support and accountability. And, even more intensive counseling for porn addiciton, probably by himself. You might be invited later. A Christian counselor that specializes in family relationships with experience in porn addiction would be most helpful. If you have to start counseling on your own, I would suggest that.

I ask you to stay in the Word. Read Psalms. You need to be closest to our Lord and Savior because He is at work right now.
He knows your pain and sees your heart. Ask Him for what you'd like to have happen in your marriage and pray for that. And, ask Him for direction. Wait patiently for the answer.

There is an awesome film out that is called: "Someone's Daughter". It has guys talking about their porn addiciton and how they came away from it, with emphasis on how God's Word keeps them in check. It also has a couple in it and they talk about how they saw it through and kept their family together. The guys in the film are honest about their addiction and their redemption. This is also a great tool that may make a positive impression on your husband and...you! I'll check to see if I can tell you how to access it. I saw it online through a Christian newsletter that I recieve.

Remember....God is working in/on your lives right now! And, He is always with you!

[redlands59]

The movie is called: Somebody's Daughter Pornography.
If you google the three word name of the movie that I have provided above, it will take you to the website to see it online.
It's awesome and amazing!

God Bless you both!

Here is what it is about:
Raising awareness of the pervasiveness and destructiveness of pornography

DVD – 62 minutes
Three men and a husband and wife share their personal struggle with
pornography confronting the lies and darkness of this addictive force with
compelling honesty and hope. The DVD also contains four music videos
and eight vignettes. The 55 minute bonus CD contains 9 original songs,
stories, poetry, and scripture readings.

[redlands59]

Another good website for marriage strengthening is fireproofmymarriage.com

[niki]

many blessings and thank you so very much for your responses. i do truly feel in my spirit that i was actively deceived and that pains me. i have to continue to stand, stay in prayer to hear, really hear from God. i will look for the dvd "Somebody's Daughter" because i feel that it will educate both my husband and i as to what this type of behavior does to our home. again, many blessings....niki

[redlands59]

You are very welcome, Niki.
Remember that God is bigger than any problem on this earth and that He is working!
That's what I tell myself in all areas of life that I'd like to cave in on, in my human weakness!
God is working...God is working!! That statement sure takes the pressure off me!