Growthtrac Community

[SAM]

Ya'all have a nice weekend. Heading off to Kentucky to check up on my MIL.

[misti]

Hey everyone I know it has been a while. I havent been at work and dont have internet at home yet. Well my husband is I don't know he told me last tuesday he wanted to go to counseling and us go out on a date. Then our annivesary was thursday and he only text me so I told him he was lame and he needed to focus on just the girls not worry about me then he text back and said he wasn't sure if he wanted to give up on us completely. i don't know what to do.

[km]

It sounds like he is struggling. That is not necessarily a bad thing. Continue to be open but don't go overbaord (like sleeping with him) until he is fully committed to reconciling.

[SAM]

He needs to hear from you - "Please take your daughters and I off the emotional rollercoaster. It's time to make up your mind as to whether you are invested in restoring this family, or you are not. No more going back and forth. If you want to go to counseling, let's make an appointment this week."

It sounds like he is testing the waters to see if you are interested. If he does take you out for a date, be oh so cautious.
No sexual contact - remember, this is dating and you need to get to a place of emotionally rebuilding your relationship before becoming physcially involved. The emotional age/maturity of your relationship and the work you do to rebuild it, will grow, for as long as you do not become intimate again.

In other words, if you rebuild for a month, then become intimate again - your relationship will remain 1 month old. What happens is, once the sex starts again - it feels too good to work on the difficult stuff that still needs to be dealt with.

[misti]

that is good and i agree he might not even still be interrested though anymore he sent me a text message for our anniversary and i said he was lame and he got very offended from that and haven't heard from h im since.

[charity1]

misti,
I agree with you. A text for an anniversary is very lame and since he can't seem to grow up enough to work on his marriage, he does need to just focus on his daughters at the moment. Maybe if he can become a decent father, he will eventually become a decent husband too - baby steps! He wants you to beg him to come back so that he doesn't have to worry that he may be losing you. It's good that you aren't giving him that assurance.

[SAM]

Almost seems like he wants to be praised just for remembering... but if it were really important to him, he would have made a concerted effort at working to win you back. A text really wasn't any effort at all and lame is a good word for it.

[misti]

well i had a talk with him today and told him he had to start giving me money or i was going to the da all of my resources are tapped out that i iknow i am not his problem anymore but the girls are and i need to supply for them he said well i have bills i said eddie iknow that you are living with her i know where you live and all the partying you are doing and called off the bars he is going to is aid so don't tell me you don't have money i said i didn't want to call you out on all this i wanted to you to be honest with me and you still can't i ma just itred of itall he said me to and i promise i am oing to take care of all the money stuff fo ryou so who knows

[km]

Are you saying that he has not been complying with the court order you recently got?

And that he is now living with the OW?

[SAM]

If you are not receiving * as ordered by the court, then you need to let your attorney know.
You shouldn't have to wait to get a check from him, his wages should be garnished, if necessary and paid through his employer. Check out the alternatives with your attorney as to how this can be enforced.

If you ever apply for a mortgage on your own, you want to keep copies of all the checks you receive, as this becomes your proof of income. And, it also becomes your documentation if you go back to court that he has not been paying consistently or the correct amount as ordered by the court.

[misti]

Hey well he has been living with the other woman for awhile right now. and once i get the court order i take it to the da and then they can start garnishing and everything and so now i am ust wiaitng. now he has said he wants to go to counseling and wants ot be honest now. so i tried to get him to start talk ing last night and he wouldn't so once again his actions are matcing up tgo his words.. so then i texted him and told him maybe we shouldn't try and work it out that we are both doing well with out each other. and havne t heard anything from him yet.

[km]

As long as he is living with another woman, counseling will be a farce.

You can't work on a relationship while you are in another relationship.

ETA - When you do get that court order in hand, you should head off to the DA's oofice quickly enouhg t leave skid marks.

And why don't you have it yet? In most courts I'm familar with, if the lawyer made the appearance at the hearing, the order should have been entered then, or later that day when the judge signed his stack of papers from the day's court call.

[misti]

well he finally admitted yesterday that he has been seeing anothe woman and living wiht her but that he broke it off with her supposedly and is wanting to get his life right. but of course when i tried to bring up counseling today he wanted to avoid the subject and get off the phone so i called him back and left him amessage saying loook i dont care what you do and don't do i told you about the counsleing for yourself i dont know if we can ever get back togather it would take alot of work and i havent heard from him since. i need you ot pray for him to get a job closer to home maybe that will help with things

[km]

There are some phrases you may hear bandied about - "trickle truth" and "in the fog" - the first is the common practice of adulterers in giving out info in dribs and drabs (such as the progression of "we're just friends" to "we messed around a bit" to "it was just oral" to "we just did it once" to "we've been living together for the past x weeks" when they were living together all that time) and the other is the clouded thinking of the adulterer while still in the process of having the affair.

It sounds like you're getting a lot of both factoring into what you hear from him - and a fair volume of outright lies too.

[misti]

oh yea i agree and i keep that in mind when talking to him that he might be lieing and probably is.. i am just praying kow cuz i dont know what is going to happen.. i hate not knowing what is going on and jujst want it to all be over.. keep praying for us all