Growthtrac Community

[misti]

I have been married for almost 4 years. I have two beautiful daughters. Bella is 2 and Gabby is 1. Right before Bella was born my husband and I had some problems I found out he was talking to another woman. He said it went no farther than talking. We split up for 6 months so I could have time to think and figure out what I wanted to do. We ended up getting back togather. We have been doing great (I thought). We just bought a new house and moved in it the week of Thanksgiving. My husband then decided he wanted to start going out and staying out all night. Then the beginning of December he tells me he isn't sure if he still loves me and let's just make it through the holidays. Christmas night he tells me we should seperate. He moved out and has only seen our kids 5 times since that night. I have been trying to stand for our marriage but I am tired and getting frustrated at the whole situation. Anyone got any advice or encouragement.

[km]

The scenario you describe sounds like there is another woman involved (men usually don't up and leave like that unless they are going out to be with someone else). Am I correct? What do you know about her?

[misti]

I did find out that he was flirting with a woman who worked with him.. And he did admit to flirting with her. But claims it went no farther than that. He claims there is no one else. He said he was miserable ever since we got back togather and we should have never gotten back togather the first time.

[charity1]

Misti,
I am so sorry! I agree with km, it sounds like he probably wasn't just talking to another woman. Unfortunately an affair is like an addiction and is hard to get free of. He probably wants to come back but is torn. Have you ever met this woman?

[misti]

I met the first one she came to the hospital when I was having the baby. I have not met this one. I know it is a cycle he grew up in a house where his dad cheated numerous times on his mom growing up. I was trying to be patient and really love him and want my marriage to work..

[charity1]

Misti,
Again, I am so sorry. I assumed there was one woman. Since he has chosen to walk away, there is really nothing you can do but pray and work on your own self-esteem and relationship with God. This isn't about you, this is about him. He has to choose to get right with God, you can't force him. You obviously have a scriptural right to divorce him, but it isn't mandatory. You can wait as long as you choose to for him to come to his senses (or not). It takes some people longer than others to realize they have blown a good thing. Has he ever claimed to be a Christian?

[charity1]

Misti,
One more thing I should have said is that you shouldn't let him come and go as he pleases. Let him know you don't have a revolving door and that when he is ready to settle down with you only, then you will consider letting him come back, but then make him prove to you that he has changed. His coming and going isn't good for you and your children's emotional health, plus it isn't good for your physical health either. There is always the danger of diseases. You need to read "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson. He has some very good guidelines.

[misti]

Yea.. I think it is him for sure. He grew up with his dad doing this to his mom over and over. It is a cycle. I just hope and pray he can break it. Yea, he used to be real invovled in church and be a christian I met him in church. He is such a wonderful guy, he is so sweet and tenderhearted and would do anything for anyone. This is not the man I married. I am just trying to be strong right now because I don't want a divorce. I just want my husband back.

[charity1]

Misti,
In that case, if he has God's word in his heart, there is a good chance he will come to his senses. You can't unknow the truth. Don't beg or plead. Stay calm and let him see Christ living in you. You need to be loving but firm. Maybe your preacher or someone he respects in the church could talk to him and make him realize what he is throwing away. I have read that infidelity is defnitely a cycle. Just keep studying God's word, praying, attending worship services and don't give up. Nothing is impossible with God.

[misti]

Thank you I appreciate that. I am praying, fasting and believing for a miracle. I believe God can bring him back home. My preacher has tried to call him a few times but he won't return the phone call and he is not returning his families calls either. I did sit down and write him a letter last night telling him I was at fault also and to please forgive me and I asked him to consider coming back home or coming by a few nights a week for the girls sake. They miss him so much and cry for him alot.

[charity1]

Misti,
I am praying as well.

[misti]

Thank you I appreciate all the help I can get

[misti]

Well I talked with Eddie last night it lasted a whole 12 minutes that is big for us. He went and bought formula, diapers and stuff for the girls. He brought up divorce again. He did also say that he would help me get a another car not to worry about it. But i have decided to stay positive. I also decided to tell him I can't go file for a divorce. I don't feel we gave our marriage a fair shot.

[km]

If he is avoiding pastor and family calls, he clearly thinks he has something to hide from (which indicates some knowledge of doing wrong and some guilt/shame over it). If his family keeps after him, it may lead to some changes from him.

[misti]

I agree I told his dad and sister not to give up to keep calling and I told our pastor to just keep calling to bug him if they had too. He is even avoiding people in town one of my friends and coworker saw him at Wal Mart and she tried to wave at him He looked at her and turned his head real fast.