Growthtrac Community

[neeny21252]

hI kelly
May I suggest you block her email address. I respect you believe you are strong enough to leave alone and ignore but it takes just one curious moment and you are hooked. this is what happened to my H............he ended contact we went away to rebuild. came home and all was going great - he was off to a business meeting and at airport. the phone rings he answers - vowing to be strong. and heres "i need your help" - BAM the talking starts again.
Yes we are tough on here - we are brothers and sisters and want nothing more than to help - sometimes that is only with prayer. it is also correct we have been through this and on both sides. I remember the blissful la la days when things were first disclosed. I long for those shock days now!! There is such grief and you are right it is on both parts. My H is also grieving for what he has lost in our marriage. A wife, though I am doing my best, that no longer trusts him. His words from his mouth are not true to me - for me, though we have had to make painful changes in our lives due to this, I realize that I alone can not Trust H but I SURE CAN TRUST JESUS IN HIM.
He also weeped before God, begging for forgiveness, and last ditch begging God to struck him down. When he submitted to Christ is was totally different. After this came the knowledge HE IS FORGIVEN BY OUR LORD, IT IS WASHED IN THE BLOOD. but there still are consequences to this.
You mentioned you have a child, I am sure you are a wonderful dad -but tell me, when your child does wrong do you pat him on the head and walk away - or do you give him consequences and stand with him/her loving them completely? your Lord loves you more than you love your child - but would you expect any different from him, God will NOT just toss you on the fire and walk away - he will walk with you and carry you when needed through the flames. God knows your heart and loves you. he knows both you are your wifes pain in this and he can carry it - I understand it is so hard to take it back. (the pain for me - you have no idea how many times i do - I have a code word that I say now - God knows its meaning (its hill to me) and grabs the burden back)
I myself am very proud of you coming on the board and hearing us - please know that we talk in love not hate (love the man, hate the sin). Yes I have been burned as many on her have been. believe it or not I do understand that you feel totally attacked - that is not my intention at all (nor do I believe the others on here)!!!!!
I remeber the pastor saying "hurt people hurt" but I do not feel that is the case on here at all! this site is a blessing and the fact there are such prayer warriers on here - I hope you see you and your family are lifted up when your legs are to weak to hold you
you are loved

[resecured]

My concern is with your wife. I need to just add that I agree with montanna about the fact that your lovely wife may be still in shock. It took me about 6 months to come out of my shock-induced state. I was so numb but acted like I could stand up to the pressure. My h. was even amazed at how well I was taking it all. I even felt like I was fine. So it came as quite a shock, even to myself, that this anger suddenly rose up inside of me from out of nowhere. I believe that we, the betrayed spouse, go numb for our own protection. Protection from having to come to terms all at once with what has happened. There are so many stages to this type of betrayal. True, yours was emotional adultery and not physical adultery but both are very gut-wrenching. If it hasn't happened to you, there is no way you can ever entertain what goes on inside. Something dies. That is why adultery is liken to a death. Trust dies. Hope dies. What takes their place is doubt, fears, insecurities, the word "why?", the "how could he/she", etc. Each stage has to be dealt with for recovery to be complete. Be considerate of your wife. I worry because most of your concern seems to be more for the OW and yourself. I think you see your wife as doing ok. I pray that she truly is. Just do not be suprised if you find out that she is not doing as well as you first perceived.

I pray that you have learned what a gift you have in your family. A gift that can be taken away should you not take the necessary precautions to not fail again. satan is a sly fellow. Don't underestimate him. Boundaries - set them. They are a very good thing.

Tough crowd? Experienced crowd, is more like it. As Jeannie has said, Been there, Done that, Bought the T-shirt. What you will find here is a family. One who cares. One who gives Godly wisdom. One who offers truth, even with a little sting.

-RJ-

[jmwc95]

jmwc95, are you saying that, given all you know about this from my three long posts, including the fact that there is no longer any engagement with this young lady, that you think it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to resist the grip of Satan and stay in this church? I'm wondering - might it not be the ultimate victory for Satan to succeed in getting me out of this wonderful church, where my family and I have built our faith from ground zero and taken on significant positions of leadership? I ask seriously, not trying to lead you to any particular answer.

First of all, just to address something from your previous post, I'm a dude.

Secondly, I'm not basing my opinion on three long posts, I'm basing it on my experience of hundreds of similar cases I've seen in these support forums. I'm not saying it's impossible, it's just not very wise.

As long as you see this woman, you are going to continue to fantasize about her. That in and of itself will hurt your marriage. Then, this is what I predict, based on my experience. You are going to continue to ignore her until one day, you just run into each other, and to avoid the uncomfortable silence, you will say something. She will respond back, and that rush that you got from talking to her before will come right back. Then, after thinking about that encounter, you will rationalize that, "see nothing happened," and you will talk to her a little bit more, hiding this fact from your wife. Since you have shown to be addicted to her, you will ratchet up the conversation with her some more and convince her that your wife doesn't have a problem with it anymore because she knows nothing will happen. You will escalate your interaction with her until your wife will eventually find out again, and then you will be in worse shape than you are now. All because you don't want to take the necessary steps to safeguard your marriage because you don't think you need to.

Again, your mistake was talking to this woman. From now on, no talking to women without your wife present unless it is strictly business. No opposite sex relationships, period. If you find yourself becoming infatuated with another woman, tell your wife so she can watch you and keep you honest.

[kelly1]

Let me first say that this forum - or more precisely, the people on it - have been such an enormous blessing to me. I have in these past days never failed to come away from a session on here with the sense of having been blessed by the wisdom and integrity imparted to me...not to mention feeling better rather than worse about things, even when particularly tough love is demonstrated. You guys can rest assured that the Lord is blessing you for taking the time and love to help me, a lowly sinner...just as Jesus himself did. My eternal gratitude to all of you. You are in my prayers. One question:

May I continue to seek your wisdom and strength? To some degree I feel self-indulgent and do not want to rob the time you need to spend on the things that matter in your lives. But this exercise has convinced me that I indeed CAN NOT do this on my own strength, need to re-commit to a course of integrity and plead for the Lord's strength each day, and need a support group to bolster me. Please be honest with your answers, even to the point of saying I have been told what I need to do and now need to walk this path alone. I have not discovered any Christian-based adultery support groups on the AA-type model.

When I told this young lady I loved her, I almost immediately realized I was in essence "outing" myself, for I knew realistically that she would not respond in kind. But I had to tell someone about this, and I chose her as the best of a series of bad options, I think hoping at some level it would begin to allow me to remove the fog of infatuation with a reality check. I am actually grateful that she reacted negatively and reported this to an elder, for the darkness in my soul did indeed need to be brought into the light, and I knew it. And I really did then convince myself - and eventually her - that I loved her as a little sister, rather than making the decision right then and there to cut off all contact, which I felt would have rendered all the pain as void and useless.

If I had completely ended things there, I would not be anguished as I have been since then. I really did want to protect my wife from this, and really did feel a renewed sense of love for her, which she herself said she felt as we journeyed to the Holy Lands together (after my rebuke, in the midst of the "reconciliation" with the young lady but before she found out the gory details). When she eventually discovered this, I wished for all the world she hadn't, of course, but now realize that she needed to, or she would be married to someone living a lie and a double life at some level. Trust me, she has had pain and has admitted so, and I accept that she will have more, and that it will hit her like a wave at unexpected times. At the same time, she has never said anything to me that she would later regret, and has resisted telling anyone, for she is very wise and knows that would come back on me - and her - in the long run. As I said at the start of my first post, she is the most emotionally healthy person I have ever known. I have said to her that the only thing she can certainly take comfort in is that she is married to a man who is on his knees every day, and will be for life.

Just last night, we went out on a date and she was looking lovely as always, and yet my mind drifted to what it would be like to be with the young lady instead. This, even though it is the equivalent of desiring bread crumbs when you are dining on filet mignon. This is when it hit me - again - the degree to which I am under attack from the devil, and that I am in the midst of nothing less than a battle for my soul. And I WILL NOT underestimate the degree of this challenge.

In the book "Same Kind of Different as Me," which I hope many of you have read, the character Denver says something remarkably profound....When you become precious to the Lord, you become important to Satan. It is hardly coincidence that this affliction hit me the same year I was elevated to a position of leadership and prominence in my church, and took my spiritual life to new heights.

So many remarkable things have occured during this time. Like everyone else these days, our finances have been challenged, but we have received in recent days three separate and significant financial blessings. And everything else in our lives, including our health, is in fine order. It's as if the Lord is saying He will bless this family if we (read:I) will be obedient.

Even more remarkable, for the first time in my life, I have not once but twice been called on to provide counsel and comfort to friends with similar challenges to me, one a Christian (though I'm not sure he really is) man in a terrible marriage who is infatuated with a family friend, and he was receptive as long as I went along with his contention that the whole problem was his wife's fault, but who completely stopped talking to me about it when I counseled him to tell his wife. The other was an innocent young man (spiritually curious, but totally unchurched and without any real knowledge of the person of Christ) victimized by a broken relationship with a toxic, almost evil, young lady who continues to haunt and torment him. It has brought prominently to my mind 2 Corinthians 1, when we are called to minister to others with the comfort the Lord provides to those who have been through trials.

Fortunately, after tomorrow, my family and I will leave for Florida and thus miss the next four weeks at church. I am absolutely resolute in using this distance and opportunity to further remove the stain and shame of this episode. And because of this forum, I have decided to say to my wife outright that if she feels it necessary, I will start in counseling and then have her join me in the process, and that if the anxiety she feels from having me in the church at the same time as this young lady is distracting and painful enough for her, I will at a minimum worship elsewhere at least for some time until she feels comfortable again (if she ever does), and will honor her desire to ultimately leave the church. She needs to know that her needs and the soul (NOT the desires) of her husband are all that matters right now.

She has said that she takes me at my word that I will avoid all contact with the young lady, but that if she sees any contact at all, she will take the young lady aside and deliver the unambiguous message that she is not to speak to me, period. I have decided I will not deliberatly shun the young lady by pretending not to notice when she passes, but rather just smile politely and keep moving. I expect, given how I totally ignored her when passing her unavoidably last week, that she will respond with a sour expression. Good - I hope so. If she smiles back, no matter. I decided against shunning because it will tend to dominate and sap my spiritual energy to always be anxious about unavoidable crossing of paths. I will use my reactions to this course of action to gauge my progress in putting this behind me. If I can not stop drifting back to the fog, I will then have to take more drastic action.

Fortunately, these chance encounters can only occur once a week (unlike workplace infatuations, for example, when encounters can happen every day) and my life is set up to avoid further temptation, as my wife and I run a business together in our own home, school our son together, play tennis together, watch baseball together, etc. I don't think I would trust myself in any outside workplace. And I believe the Lord has intertwined our lives in such a way as to prevent me from being vulnerable to this weakness.

I am in tears as I finish writing this, overcome at once by my own weakness, the Lord's comforting hand, and the love of all of you. PLEASE, PLEASE, continue to uphold me in prayer.

[neeny21252]

WOW!!!
what a blessing I found it when my H was shown how easy the OW would enter his thoughts. I remember thinking/saying ok now I know how to Pray
I am proud of the journey God has started with you, my brother. As family, for me, I pray you do still come on here - as I will as i continue my journey of healing and grief, for to me nothing is more important (of course after the obvious of God and my family/marriage) than praying for our family and that includes you

[charity1]

kelly1,
I am so glad you have taken our advice in the spirit it was intended. We are an experienced crowd as resecured pointed out. We are only trying to protect you and your sweet wife from further devastation. We are all weak humans and need the godly advice of others to stay on the right track. It sounds like you have done some real soul searching since your original posts and have been humbled. That is what is necessary in order ro realize your weaknesses and to completely depend on God. Isn't it amazing how God works? The four weeks away from your church are definitely in order and couldn't have come at a better time. I am so glad you are taking your wife's feelings and needs into account. My husband and I continued to go to our old church while I thought his affair was emotional, but I was constantly on edge, constantly trying to stop destruction from happening. The ironic thing was, destruction was already happening. I couldn't stop anything. The continued contact wasn't healthy for any of us. That is certainly not an environment to worship in. Now that we are away from the OW, we can worship in spirit and in truth as we were intended. Unfortunately the OW continues to go to our old church so our children and my husband's family still struggle with seeing her, but they have chosen to stay. It is horrible how this kind of sin affects everyone close to you. One thing I have to comment on is that you have your doubts that God would want you to leave your church because of the work you have been doing there, but in mine and my husband's case, there is no way we would have ever left our church under any other circumstances, but we both see now how God had another work planned for us at the new church. I have no way of knowing if that is your case or not, but you need to prayerfully decide your next course of action. We can't always see what God's plans are for us. If we trust Him and let Him guide us, He will work everything out for good - His and ours. I am praying for you and your family. We are glad you are here.

[Vancouverdad]

Okay I'll weigh in,

First of all brother, I know where you are at. Walked this road myself.

You can't possibly understand the tightrope you are on right now and the potential loss you will face if you don't cease and desist NOW! I stay with the worldy loss you face if you don't get a grip on yourself, as the spiritual/Christian aspect has been said well already.

I am saying these things because I am living with the damage I caused with my EA. You aren't connecting with the hell you will be living if you keep even 'lightly" keeping in contact with her. I thank God she isn't reciprocating you feelings or I believe this already would have been much worse.

1. You are stomping all over your wife's tender heart. Be thankful she is a Godly woman and is working it out with you.
2. You have no idea what your messing with. If you don't get your head right, you will experience a pain you have never felt in your life.
3. NO CONTACT is the only answer. Anything less is a trigger that will start the cycle all over again. You are fooling yourself if you think you can control this.
4. Focus on your wife. If you feel like you say you do, it will point your emotional energy back where it belongs.
5. Do the Love Dare on your wife (any Christian bookstore). Not half way, all the way. You are acting lazy with the precious gift of your marriage. This is a choice, you are not powerless.
6. Never kid yourself that it couldn't happen again with another woman. You/we all are weak at times. You must GUARD yourself.
7. You will shut your wife's feelings for you down eventually if you keep this up. Our wives have limits and you will find them if you don't do WHATEVER is necessary to end this now.
8. Emotional affairs are addicting. Many studies have been done and there are chemical reactions in your brain that have been likened to an addiction. There are physical reason they are hard to break. It will only dissipate when YOU stop all contact.

Sorry to be so abrupt, harsh even but I think you need to hear it. I wish I would have before I had mine. I didn't understand the fire I was playing with. Wait, I take that back, deep inside I did...and I believe you do too. You have been fortunate to this point. God has been looking out for you. However I sense pride and stubbornness in your words which is exactly what will be your undoing.

Save yourself a lot of pain. The other side of an affair is an ugly, ugly place.

Jeff

[j3anjean]

Amen, Jeff

[rdsmith3]

Jeff

Great post for all of us. I especially like your comment that

You are acting lazy with the precious gift of your marriage. This is a choice, you are not powerless.

We should all keep this in mind every day.

[km]

Vancouverdad's comment reminded me of something I heard relating to basketball star David Robinson. It is said that Robinson is very zealous as to his boundaries relating to female fans approaching him, which sometimes results in female fans being unhappy with him. He response is - in essense - that between his wife and any other woman in the world, if anyone is to be hurt, it is his duty as a husband to ensure that his wife is not the one hurt.

[j3anjean]

He response is - in essense - that between his wife and any other woman in the world, if anyone is to be hurt, it is his duty as a husband to ensure that his wife is not the one hurt.

WOW! Go David Robinson! I cannot imagine a marriage like that....

[resecured]

Wow is right!!!!!! Wouldn't you just love to talk to him and his wife and learn their secret to that type of marriage?

-RJ-

[hurtdad]

Yes, my wife hurts, but that hurt will fade

That is a pretty arrogant statement. You have no idea what the hurt is like. Has your wife ever been unfaithful to you? Until she has, you really have no idea. My wife and I have been through a similar situation. She had an EA with a man she worked with. I can tell you that the hurt fades very slowly. I have forgiven my wife, but GOD does not give us the ability to forget.

You seem to think this your problem. This is your and your wife's problem. Go to a Christian based Marriage Counciler. We did and it has been very helpful.

I am amazed at your inability to show any humilty whatsoever. I may be wrong but you seem to hold yourself in very high regard with some of the statements you made about yourself.

I wish you all the best. I will be praying for you.

[j3anjean]

Yes, my wife hurts, but that hurt will fade

Yeah, I picked up on that too. That hurt that you so off-handedly say will fade is crushing. It is gut wrenching. You think you have a handle on the hurt and then you get sucker punched with it again and again. You really have no idea, do you? Read through some of the other posts on this forum -men and women are trying to heal from their spouses infidelities. These are men and women that want nothing more than for that pain to fade. They don't deserve it. Your wife sure doesn't deserve your attitude.

[FaithHopeJoy]

Kelly1

If I didn't know you definitely weren't my husband (!), I would think I was reading my H's justification for his own transgressions!!! When his emotional affair was uncovered, he rationalised it like you are doing and, when I disclosed that I was broken-hearted by it, his advice to me was "You'll get over it".

For what it's worth, my advice to you would be - don't ever take it for granted that your wife's hurt will fade. Your attitude could compound her pain rather than mend her heart.

I have remained loyal and loving to my husband - but only because Jesus is holding my hand - not because my H is God's gift to our church!