Growthtrac Community

[camelback]

Boy, you are a tough crowd. Just how is it fair to drag my family out of the church we have loved, and around which we have built our spiritual lives (including my home-schooled son, whose friends are all from church), because I let a foolish impulse overtake me for a short time, and which I now fully understand I must entirely relinquish?

This is a lot more fair, if you can even use this word in this context, than having to come before them to let them know you have been unfaithful and had not just a emotional but also physical affair. You have to remember if you even open the door a crack Satan WILL use it. You may think you have all under control, but as a woman, if I placed myself in your position, I would not trust myself and I definitely would not trust satan to let it alone because I admit I can't allow it to happen. It would be like my husband after admitting a problem with porn keeping some magazines in a box somewhere in the house...he can say he knows it is wrong and that he has to separate himself from the desire to watch it, but as long as it is in the house, he is just a step away from failure during a weak moment.

Praying for you and your family!

[km]

camelback - nicely put.

[joyandtears]

First of all I know you are hurting and so is your wife. Frankly on some level your son knows something is wrong too. Get two books- Five Love Languages and Five Languages of Apology. I see them advertised on this site. Read both. Ask your wife which apology languages are important to her in this case. She will tell you. She won't get over her hurt until your marriage is restored in her mind. For women, who are complex, you may feel you have to discuss this for several years. Restoration for her is not about dragging you through the mud for years but healing different wounds. I'm sorry but she is going to have to do this with your cooperation.
You will miss contact with this other woman but you will "get over it". Your thoughts about this honestly are veiled in some deception in your mind - the thoughts are put there by the enemy. So don't really trust your own thoughts. I think you will have to really hit bottom to not desire this relationship. Listen to counsel about whether to go to another church and about ending the contact. Ask your wife what she wants you to do. Don't worry about the other woman. She knows what is going on and that you are trying to get back into an appropriate marriage boundary.
For the future- though you may be a great person- know that many women out there are willing to enter into affairs for their own purposes- power, self esteem, manipulation, destruction - it gets worse. You were lucky this time. I've watched a number of women who bring their needs to church and to work and don't really care about the man or his life. they need temporary relief from their problems. He is the one left with the real harm done to his life.
The attraction may be so strong it is hard to see it but I can speak with all authority that men take gestures to mean one thing and women take them to mean another. I doubt if this woman wanted to have you in love with her. she probably fell into a friendship and that was all she wanted. There are a million others who would hope for the same thing meanwhile the man thinks she wants more.
You are lucky that this did not take place at work or you might be out of a job. My husband loved me and our family but he had two emotional affairs at work and one in correspondence with an old girlfriend from 35 years ago. To this day he still defends himself feeling like I misjudged him. He has said all three relationships were wrong in so many words but still defends himself. Due to his arrogance and belief that he was not wrong, his inability to listen to anyone else and deeply restore our relationship, he is in danger of losing his company- the one thing he really wants to protect. His company has likely been destroyed and he is close to retirement age. We have young children and he is having to start over. I don't believe he is going to get to carry any sinful thinking or misconceptions and have business success too. I believe God is going to restore his business in some form when he completely humbled and clear about boundaries.
Do you go to a church that has a deliverance ministry? If you don't, then look for some nationally where you can see how the enemy is taking your past needs, traumas, hurts and creating an opening for them to rush in and tempt you to do something you don't want to do. I don't know what you feel is missing in your life that created this opening. It may be your past or it may be that you've opened a door. Perhaps you believe what society tells men to aggressively go after want you want. Maybe you've dabbled some in porn. Spirits that come into you from porn will turn your head and you really won't know it is the enemy. Figure out where you doors are open and get them closed. Even though you are a Christian don't go to counseling that will suggest yoga or meditation or any new age practices. They open all kinds of doors to the enemy. Best wishes restoring your life and your marriage.

[SAM]

Excellent article in the New York Times, well worth reading -

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashi ... 3&emc=eta1