Growthtrac Community

[mrsmy]

My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years. He is in the military and needless to say, has commitments that lead him out of the country or state for periods of time. With this said, I have learned to keep myself busy with my job and outside hobbies. I committed myself last year when he was away at war to a college woman's sport team in the evenings to help make the time he was away go faster. I work full time during the day, but the nights do get a tad lonely when he is away.

To make a long story short, he came back to the States late last year and my commitment with this team will last until April of this year. I am gone in the weekday evenings coaching and do not get home until about 8:30 p.m. instead of my usual 6:00 p.m. arrival. This coaching job doesn't keep me away from home too much, but this last weekend I had to travel with the team to a tournament. My husband was originally supposed to join me, but learned he had been switched to night crew and would be unable to attend the tournament.

I found out today, via an email he sent that during the weekend I was away, he sent a message to a woman that used to work with him and now lives across the country. He was extremely close to this woman while she lived and worked closed to him. My husband shared intimate details about our marriage to her during a period where we were having much difficultly. She made it clear to him that she wanted to leave her husband and although she did not say she was interested in my husband, I feel the conversation and her feelings were leaning that way.

My husband told me before going to war last year that he would not contact her anymore, as their relationship makes me uncomfortable. As I stated above, my husband just recently contacted this woman to have her give him a call stating that he had the weekend to himself. He also mentioned that he missed her.

I am now trying to figure out the best course of action. Should I confront him about this or just let it go? Obviously there have been trust issues in our marriage and I am not completely sure what or who he stands for. We have started going to church again regularly, however I am concerned about where this situation with this woman could go. On top of all this I am 16 weeks pregnant with our first child and am dealing with a heightened emotional state as well. I did check his email sent box without his knowledge because I still do not trust him completely...I guess my instincts were correct. I'm not sure if there is anything going on at this point, and know he wouldn't admit it to me if there was. I do know she lives across the country and is still married with a child of her own. I also know my husband likes to be everyone’s friend and the good guy in everyone’s eyes. I suspect that he wants to look like a ‘cool guy’ that doesn’t need to listen to his wife’s feelings. This woman knows that I disapprove of them speaking and my husband had told her in the past he wasn’t going to remain in contact. Can someone provide me insightful advice as to how I approach this with my husband?

[Jim]

Sorry for the delay in answering your post. For some reason, it did not show in new posts until today.

Your husband is playing with fire. When one spouse shares intimate details with another person about
their marriage, this is called an emotional affair. Your Holy Spirit radar is on high alert, that is why
you are so uncomfortable with this relationship.

Proverbs 6:27-28 speaks to men about guarding themselves -
Can a man scoop fire into his lap and not be burned? Can he walk on hot coals and not blister his feet?

Personally, I would get him on the phone with this woman, with you sitting next to him.
He needs to tell her that there will be no more contact via phone, e-mail, or texting and
that you are sitting next to him while he makes this call.

Next, make an appointment with a marriage counselor, to talk this through. There is something in
your husband that is causing him to reach out to this other woman, and you need to get to the bottom
of it before your child is born. Sometimes, guys have a hard time coming into and preparing for
fatherhood and there are many doubts about their capabilities. Get yourselves on solid footing
again.

[SAM]

I agree 100% that this is an emotional affair between your husband and
the OW.

And, you need to let him know that you found the e-mails between them.

[Donaldduck]

I agree about the mental affair, Jesus also warned about the heart. Hope all goes well, and you two can work this out.