Growthtrac Community

[scottybny]

HI.. I am new to the forums. I am in crisis at the moment, didn't know where else to turn (seeing a therapist atm..) and need some support or actually some divine assistance. Without getting into salient details, I spent the last year kind of in a crisis of identity... through this period, I was totally disrespectful to my wife, I treated her like dirt, didn't give her anywhere near the respect that she needed. And all she did was show that she loved me and waited for me to figure things out.... about a week and a half ago, I again just made stupid comments and she had it, which I found out about this past weekend. She deserves much better than me, I don't deserve a second chance, but what this experience has taught me finally is honestly just how much I do love her, that my life is worthless without her a part of it, and that I want to and can change... I've started by writing down areas I want to change in our relationship... commitment, trust, honesty, respect, she is the center of my life. The personal guilt at the moment is harder for me to deal with versus her not really communicating. She says she needs time to figure things out, but she's said that she loves me, we do text during the day on issues, we talked and got along well yesterday, and she does at least kiss me goodbye to work in the morning or at night, so I guess those are good signs. But please if you would, all your prayers are greatly appreciated.... I am finally growing up and I just want to prove it....

Thank you....

[km]

If you've followed the forum in all its facets, you'll see that men have done dumber things and ultimately remained married - and in many cases got to happily married.

Hang in there.

Pray a lot, fervently.

Oh, and get your head out of your posterior and treat her right going forward.

[scottybny]

"Oh, and get your head out of your posterior and treat her right going forward.."

You're so right.....! I haven't spent a lot of time reading here yet, but I've bought a couple of books, and I'm also working out a game plan to get my act in order. Things are imporving for me; we are conversing, if only about the mundane facts of life, but it's a start for sure.... lots of rebuilding to do and I'm committed to it. Thanks!

[km]

As to books, I would suggest a couple of books:

Stoeker, Arterburn (et al,) Every Man's Marriage (Formerly titled "Every Woman's Desire")

Shaunte Feldhahn's paired books "For Men Only" and "For Women Only".

Folks here likely have a few others to recommend. Getting into some sort of scenraio with 'third party' help and advice would be a good idea too, Counseling, mariage retreats, eHarmony has an online marriage assistance setup (with a fairly good survey you would each complete and then advice tailroed to your particular inputs - as well as general online resources/assistance)

[scottybny]

Yes, I picked up Stoeker's book this morning and am more than halfway through it..... lots of food for thought and good ideas as I try to put together my marital "strategic" plan. We are probably going to attend couples counseling in the future, but we are both seeing therapists for our own things at the moment; mostly it's getting my act together for her.

[rdsmith3]

I suggest that counseling is really the way to go. Books are helpful, but there is something in our nature that makes us resist looking in the mirror and seeing ourselves as we really are. A good counselor will lovingly confront you, and tell you when you are rationalizing your behavior or in denial about your role in the problems. Most importantly, a goo Christian counselor will help you to see that all sin is really an offense against God, not just your spouse.

[km]

Counseling is clearly the most direct way to navigate marital issues.

Books are nicely informative, but leave you guessing as to what precisely is your spouse's thinking on an issue. That can only be gotten from your spouse (and the counsellor can help you get through thte commuicating in a way that builds rather than tears down). Keep up with the books though (as a supplement to the counselling).

[scottybny]

I wasn't sure whether to continue this in another thread or not, so I just stayed here.. thanks for the input. The Stoeker book was amazing, an eye-opener really into just how far off I've been, and I'm implementing change now in my approach. In fact, we discussed my TSP - our retirement - last night and I made certain to ask her opinions on changing my investment percentages, etc.... really trying to give her the ownership position she does have in things. That has been toughest for me at the moment, communication. Like last evening, I was working and she texted me for most of the evening, without any sort of prodding on my part, on her own. We had a nice peaceful day, she made us a great lunch and we were able to talk alot about little things and such.. Then I get to today, and I know she's running around doing errands, getting our son off to school, etc... and it just seems like I'm relegated back to ignore mode... It's very difficult not feeling the love at the moment, and hopefully she'll continue to come around. Meanwhile I just cannot concentrate for the life of me - I have several college papers due (psych major lol...) and I just miss her being close to me... Getting what I deserve I know, but it doesn't make it any easier... Sorry for the whine... Yes, hopefully we will go to couples counseling soon, when she feels ready to do that. Meantime I just try to stay focused, don't push her, and try to bring up some issues we have in subtle and not overbearing ways....

[rdsmith3]

You definitely don't want to push it. On those days when you know she is busy, maybe you just send her a text along the lines of, "Hey, I was just thinking about you. I hope your day is going well. I love you."

Try to make it about you meeting her needs, not the other way around.

[km]

Isn't running around doing family errands and child care showing you love?

You need to continue to adjust your thinking.