Growthtrac Community

[confused]

IT HAS BEEN AWHILE SINCE I LAST POSTED....THINGS HAVE BEEN GOING FAIRLY WELL...IF YOU ARE AT ALL FAMILIAR WITH MY STORY, IT HAS BEEN A VERY DIFFICULT 2.5 YEARS. IT HAS BEEN SINCE 7/31/08 THAT I FOUND OUT ABOUT MY WIFE'S AFFAIR WITH MY DAUGHTERS BOYFRIEND WHO IS ALSO OUR EXECUTIVE PASTORS SON....ANY WAY TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT...I NEED SOME THOUGHTS/ADVICE??? MY WIFE HAS MADE SOME IMPROVEMENTS AND SHE DOES SEEM LIKE SHE IS TRYING BUT WHAT I AM STRUGGLING WITH IS THAT I JUST DON'T LIKE HER AND I CERTAINLY DON'T HAVE ANY FEELINGS OF LOVE FOR HER BESIDES THE FEELINGS THAT SHE IS THE MOTHER OF MY CHILDREN. I JUST HAVE THIS OVERWHELMING THOUGHT THAT I I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE WITH HER ANYMORE IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM. I CAN CERTAINLY USE SOME PRAYER AND ADVICE WOULD BE HELPFUL. THANKS SO MUCH!!!

[km]

The situation you're in is pretty devastating. If the two of you commit to going ahead together, then you will have to do the hard, slow work of making/creating what isn't there now. A lot of prayer is indeed in order.

[rdsmith3]

I remember your story. It was very tragic. This will sound like another Christian cliche, but I think this is a situation in which you have to lead your heart, not follow it. Try to learn to love your wife all over again, because that is what Jesus is asking you to do.

Are you in counseling with her?

[veggiemelt]

I have a really odd question. Marriage is difficult and alot of complicated situations arise that are difficult to live with. However, when infidelity the infidelity line is not crossed, the binding trust in some form is still there to work with and build on. God permits divorce by reason of infidelity, the bond is fully broken and we are allowed by His law to exit.
My question is, why do people stay in these kinds of relationships when the trust has been fully broken and there is a Godly way out? Just wondering, it seems really difficult. Where is the incentive if there is no longer love with which to rebuild the trust.

[Motherlove]

Maybe this will help.
Paul Washer has a seminar online about what to do.
His advice is on you tube, it's called "The Purpose of Marriage (Paul Washer w/ Dutch)"
since I can not post a link, so you need to go get it yourself....

Love in Christ, Mother Love

[rdsmith3]

I have a really odd question. Marriage is difficult and alot of complicated situations arise that are difficult to live with. However, when infidelity the infidelity line is not crossed, the binding trust in some form is still there to work with and build on. God permits divorce by reason of infidelity, the bond is fully broken and we are allowed by His law to exit.
My question is, why do people stay in these kinds of relationships when the trust has been fully broken and there is a Godly way out? Just wondering, it seems really difficult. Where is the incentive if there is no longer love with which to rebuild the trust.

First, not all Christians agree that divorce is permissible, even in the case of adultery.

Second, even if it is permissible, I do not think divorce should be viewed as a first course of action. It should be an absolute last choice, and only after heroic efforts have been made to save the marriage. Divorce does not bring peace. It causes spiritual, financial and emotional distress for both parties, and for the children.

Finally, trust can be broken in many ways -- abuse, drinking, gambling, financial irresponsibility, and so on -- and rebuilding love and trust is just as difficult in those situations. I am biased (because I divorced my first wife) but I am not sure why the Bible does not view abuse as a valid reason for divorce. Why can a person divorce if their spouse is unfaithful, but not if their spouse is abusive to them or their children?

[charity1]

I have a really odd question. Marriage is difficult and alot of complicated situations arise that are difficult to live with. However, when infidelity the infidelity line is not crossed, the binding trust in some form is still there to work with and build on. God permits divorce by reason of infidelity, the bond is fully broken and we are allowed by His law to exit.
My question is, why do people stay in these kinds of relationships when the trust has been fully broken and there is a Godly way out? Just wondering, it seems really difficult. Where is the incentive if there is no longer love with which to rebuild the trust.

Jesus said that the only reason divorce was ever permitted in the first place was because of the hardness of the people's heart. If we are to forgive 70 times 7, then we are expected to make every effort possible to forgive any sins committed against us and move on. Personally I believe that divorce due to infidelity would only be in the cases where the spouse is just not repentant at all and continues to stray. I also personally believe that just because my husband broke his vows before God doesn't mean I should. I promised to love, honor and cherish for better or for worse, in sickness and in health until death do us part. This was a convenant made in the presence of God. Granted, if my husband showed no signs of remorse or any desire to reconcile, I believe God would allow me to move on because there wouldn't be anything for me to work with, but as long as my husband is willing, I feel the responsibility to keep up my end of the covenant. Again, these are just my personal beliefs from reading all of the Bible and not just the ones on adultery and marriage. Since adultery is committed in the heart just by lusting after someone other than our spouse, most everyone would be free to divorce when you get right down to it, but I just don't believe God intended for us to take the easy way out (or at least what we tend to think is the easy way out). Even if we divorce, we still have to forgive. If we can forgive, then more than likely we can rebuild. Forgiveness is the key. I'll be honest with you, veggiemelt, I never dreamed I would be willing to stay with a man who was unfaithful to me and had never really understood how others could, but when it happened to me, that all changed. I had 30 years invested in our relationship, and I just wasn't willing to throw all of that away because of my pride. Like you pointed out in one of your posts, we have to get past the victim mentality and stop feeling sorry for ourselves in order to do the hard work needed to make the marriage work. Once good communication begins between the spouses and the selfishness stops, the marriage can get better and stronger than it has ever been. Sometimes it takes almost losing what you have to fully appreciate it.

(By the way, rdsmith3, I've never understood why abuse isn't included either.)

[rdsmith3]

charity1 -- good points!

I agree that forgiveness is the key.

confused,

I also recommend the book The Peacemaker by Ken Sande. It is challenging but helpful. It is about resolving conflict in a biblical way, and it has a lot of material on forgiveness.

http://www.amazon.com/Peacemaker-Biblical-Resolving-Personal-Conflict/dp/0801064856

[km]

veggiemelt - I believe the "out" option from infidelity is there for people whose spouses have completely turned from the marriage.

But some amount of infidelity is more of the 'cry for help' by one of a pair of broken people. Sometimes a marriage that isn't what it should be gets shaken up in this way so that the partners really get down to addressing the fundamental problems and emerge with a better marriage.

[rdsmith3]

In considering the "attractiveness" of the divorce option, I happened to get a Bible Minute devotional from Woodrow Kroll today that I thought was appropriate

One of the most tragic verses in all the Bible is this one: "So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate" (Genesis 3:6, ESV).

Her action was wrong (it was disobedience to God), but look at this incident through Eve's eyes: There was nothing preventing her access to the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. The fruit on the tree looked good; it wasn't rotting or spoiling on the ground. There was nothing wrong with her desire to grow wise--the Bible instructs us in many places to seek wisdom. She even wanted to share with her husband.

But that's what sin does; it makes us trust our own judgment rather than God's. It made Eve think about what she wanted, instead of what God wanted. Sin made her look at God as an obstacle rather than a friend.

Satan won't tempt you with something that's repulsive. He's going to make you think you're doing the right thing.

[confused]

Thanks for all the responses. I really appreciate all your thoughts. My wife has been going to a counselor ever since the day of confession. I was going up until the holidays. My wife had surgery that has knocked her down since the beginning of Feb and my life has been utter chaos since that point. It seems very ironic that here I am taking care of my wife and the kids. I just don't seem to understand God's thinking in all of this. Here's the big thing for me. I can really understand having an affair in this fallen world after 18 years of marriage..I really can.. What I can't seem to understand( wrap my hands around ) is how you pretend to be your teenage daughters best friend and completely ignore your 2 boys and your husband and then sleep with your daughters boyfriend and somehow expect everyone to forgive and move on. HOW do you hurt and IGNORE your own children??? HOW can you be so SELF-centered?? The counselor has said that she was just sin-sick. I can understand that thought but in my worst sinful days I would NEVER do that to one of my own kids...I don't know...I am really trying to do what I think God wants me to do...I can't bear the thought of having my kids find out about this disgusting truth and tearing my family completely apart but on the other hand I can't stand the thought of spending the rest of my life with this woman who totally disgusts me. My head bounces back and forth from day to day of what I should do...I pray,I cry, I get angry, I cry some more, I become numb and cold and I can't even seem to gather enough energy to be a good dad right now. It seems very hopeless right now.

[km]

Sin runs deep in all of us, and when it really get ahold of us, it makes us crazy (or irrational or however you want to put it). If she is truely remorseful now, then you are called to forgive as Jesus did (as you'll recall, He forgives those who actively do him harm). And to work toward both of you growing closer to God as well as each other.

Foregiving is hard. You will be gaining more great insight as to how God loves us in the process of learning to forgive this.

[charity1]

confused,
Adultery is definitely temporary insanity. There is no explanation as to how your wife was able to do what she did. I'm sure she doesn't know how she did it either. Does she seem very remorseful? Do you think she has made her life right with God? Do you see true repentance? These are all important issues to consider. My heart goes out to you. Most every parent can handle being betrayed themselves much better than they can handle watching their child betrayed. You have an awful lot to forgive, there is no doubt about it. If you can find it in your heart to forgive your wife, it will help you much more than it will help her though. Matthew 6 and Mark 11 both tells us that we have to forgive others in order for God to forgive us. It really isn't an option, it is a commandment. I have to admit, I can see where your trust issues would be even greater than most of the rest of us betrayed spouses' because of your particular circumstances. Forgiveness and reconciliation are two separate issues. You have to forgive, but you don't necessarily have to reconcile. There is no way I can say what I would do in your shoes. I can see where this would be a very hard situation. The decision of reconciliation is strictly between you and God. I'm sure you don't feel like your prayers are going anywhere, but know that God is listening. Pour your heart out to Him and ask for His wisdom and the ability to forgive. Then study His word, "be still" and wait for His guidance. You will be amazed at what scriptures will pop out at you and what thoughts will pop into your head. Maybe the fact that you are having to take care of your wife is God's way of showing you that she still belongs to you and still needs you. I don't know. Our ways are not God's ways and our thoughts are not His thoughts. We can't always know why things happen like they do. I wish I could take your pain away and tell you how to make this all work out, but since I can't, just know that I am praying for you.

[veggiemelt]

km - read the words from this post by charity.

"The decision of reconciliation is strictly between you and God. I'm sure you don't feel like your prayers are going anywhere, but know that God is listening. Pour your heart out to Him and ask for His wisdom and the ability to forgive. Then study His word, "be still" and wait for His guidance. You will be amazed at what scriptures will pop out at you and what thoughts will pop into your head. Maybe the fact that you are having to take care of your wife is God's way of showing you that she still belongs to you and still needs you. I don't know. Our ways are not God's ways and our thoughts are not His thoughts. "

Charity, that was a great post!!!

[Motherlove]

here is the link the the Message on Marriage by Paul Washer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4MVdoiw1NTk

hope it is a blessing to you.

-Mother Love