Growthtrac Community

[resecured]

Dang, but you people are so full of wisdom. Just in reading all the posts, I stand amazed at all the truth that has been written. I know for a fact that my h. was "fractured" by his dad at an early age by his unfeeling, unyielding ways, and total lack of allowing my h. to be a little boy who might make mistakes. His dad had issues too. At the age of 14, my FIL found his dad right after he had committed suicide. Therefore, he had to to go to work to care for the family at such a young age. So he was fractured himself. My h. does not however blame his addictions on his father. He knows that he is accountable in the end for what he has done throughout his life. Thankfully, our son is a wonderful Christian young man. The cycle stopped with my husband. My h. has not allowed what his father did to him to mark our son. I am very grateful to him for that.

I know that my h has overcome alot of his past and will continue to do so with God's help. He still has issues but he is striving to work on them. I am fortunate in that respect.

I just want you to know that alot of what I read today really hit home about my h. and his journey.

I do pray for God to bless and strengthen each and every one of you.

-RJ-

[rdsmith3]

rd
I meant no disrespect to your situation. It was just a random thought so I threw it out there.
This afternoon, I did re read your story. This point strikes me as something worth examining.

o She believes that even my talking on the phone to my son (when I am at work, not at home) means I have a relationship with the “perpetrator” and she is the “victim”. She is hurt by this. She is very fearful of my son, and believes he could stalk the family and possibly kill or injure a family member. (We have installed a security system and changed the locks.)

Is it possible that your actions and your words may not be sending a clear message to her and the she could possibly feel that you are not willing or possibly able to fully protect her? In remember that she is not particularly fond of herself, she may not she your intentions clearly and know that it is difficult for you to just abandon your son.

Women are extremely perceptive. However, sometimes our perceptions are wrong. It can be difficult to get the right message across to her when she is only able to percieve the negative. Can you discuss the above statement with your counselor and get further insight? I think it is highly possible there is something there.

Veggiemelt

The bullet point you quoted is over a year old. I have not had any contact with my son -- no phone calls, e-mails, text message, etc. -- since his birthday last November. I thought I had sent an e-mail at Christmas, but it was actually his birthday. My wife knows this. I think it is selfish of her to be resentful of my having any contact with my son, but I have done this to show her that I am completely aligned with her. We have taken reasonable security precautions at our house. However, there is nothing I can humanly do to alleviate her fears. That is between her and God.

As for counseling, we are no longer in counseling, either individually or as a couple.

[rdsmith3]

:roll: Rd, none of us are perfect and I don't read into your messages a tone of arrogance. I think you are doing everything you know to do and that you are truly bewildered.

Sometimes, things that happen to us when we are very young, tears something vital down inside of us. It causes a fracture that is so deep. This fracture molds our future perceptions and behaviors. Sometimes we act out, sometimes we close up to protect ourselves. It sounds to me like your wife is nursing this wound deep down inside of herself. She may not even be aware of how much it influences her relationship with you, with God, with anyone. It is all that she knows. It sounds like she doesn't feel worthy of grace and love-that it must be some kind of trick to get her to unfold-and if that happens then she will just be hurt again. It turns your concern and love into something she doesn't beleive in. SHe is looking for flaws, a look, a tone, something to prove that it isn't real because it couldn't possibly be real. She thinks that she is just protecting herself, being cautious and anyone who wants her to let down her guard is the enemy.

Does that sound about right or am I on the wrong track?

I think you are definitely on the right track. But I believe she is aware of how her relationship with her father affects her relationship with God and with me. She is a social worker, so she knows this very well from a secular perspective and she has been brainwashed by a liberal, secular view of this for decades. In her line of work, she sees many families with problems. Every bad husband and bad father she sees just reinforces for her that men are scum and perpetrators who cannot be trusted. She deals a lot with "family systems" and she is very aware of how "family of origin" issues affect a person.

[rdsmith3]

Km, we are exhorted to "step out on and in faith". So in the sense that your wife must step out on faith, you can't do it for her; with God you can support and assist her. You can only provide the safe and compassionate environment for her, pray for her, pray for your marriage and pray for your correct spiritual leadership.

In the reverse, some of us don't have husbands that have provided a safe and compassionate environment. Yet we are exhorted to step out on faith, to earnestly pray for their support and compassion, and their correct spiritual leadership.

I see it as much the same. Even though my husband has betrayed me, I am stepping out on faith, in prayer, that my husband will provide us the correct spiritual leadership to provide our marriage a safe and compassionate environment. And, if he fails? God has my back and He will provide. That isn't only of comfort, it is sufficient!

fishi

You mention spiritual leadership a few times. What about a spouse who resists being led? My wife is a very controlling person who resists any sort of male leadership or encouragement.

[SAM]

There is a difference between "spiritual leadership" and being the "head" of the home. Scripture never says the husband is to be the spiritual leader, it says he is to be the head of the home...and there is a difference.

The spiritual temperature of our home, lies equally on my shoulders. It is not the sole responsibility of my husband. When I stand before God someday, and he asks me why I didn't pick up the bible when my husband was tired, or why I did not pray when my husband was spiritually dry. What am I going to say to him, "Lord, my husband is the spiritual leader of our home, and I chose to sit on my butt and wait for him to step up to the plate?"

It is another thing when a spouse refuses spiritual interraction. There is something deeper going on that has nothing to do with leadership. It has a lot more to do with anger, resentment, and bitterness.

[j3anjean]

:roll: Rd, none of us are perfect and I don't read into your messages a tone of arrogance. I think you are doing everything you know to do and that you are truly bewildered.

Sometimes, things that happen to us when we are very young, tears something vital down inside of us. It causes a fracture that is so deep. This fracture molds our future perceptions and behaviors. Sometimes we act out, sometimes we close up to protect ourselves. It sounds to me like your wife is nursing this wound deep down inside of herself. She may not even be aware of how much it influences her relationship with you, with God, with anyone. It is all that she knows. It sounds like she doesn't feel worthy of grace and love-that it must be some kind of trick to get her to unfold-and if that happens then she will just be hurt again. It turns your concern and love into something she doesn't beleive in. SHe is looking for flaws, a look, a tone, something to prove that it isn't real because it couldn't possibly be real. She thinks that she is just protecting herself, being cautious and anyone who wants her to let down her guard is the enemy.

Does that sound about right or am I on the wrong track?

I think you are definitely on the right track. But I believe she is aware of how her relationship with her father affects her relationship with God and with me. She is a social worker, so she knows this very well from a secular perspective and she has been brainwashed by a liberal, secular view of this for decades. In her line of work, she sees many families with problems. Every bad husband and bad father she sees just reinforces for her that men are scum and perpetrators who cannot be trusted. She deals a lot with "family systems" and she is very aware of how "family of origin" issues affect a person.

My supervisor and I joke about it frequently but it is sort of common knowledge that folks that go into this line of work (social work, case management, psychology, etc) are kind of 1 step away from being clients instead of helpers. I think we go into these fields certain that if we can find the answers for others then we can help ourselves. Somewhere along the way, many folks decide that they never needed any help to begin with. As much good as we try to do in this field-there is a high number of blind leading the blind.

Sadly, being aware we have a problem, while a necessary step to fixing the problem-doesn't always lead us to step 2.

[fishi]

SAM, I agree, that we are each accountable and responsible for the "spiritual temperature" in our homes and marriage and that the Bible mentions that an unbelieving spouse can become saved because of a believing spouse. I never meant to infer that wives can excuse their lack of spiritual leadership because their husbands don't or won't or can't, etc. What I was trying to say was that Scripture instructs us that the husband is to be to his wife as Christ is to the church and wives are to submit to their husbands. Next time, I'll just say it that way. My apologies.

================
Rd, you mention, "My wife is a very controlling person who resists any sort of male leadership or encouragement." (sigh) I have several friends and a relative who are psychologists or psychiatrists and to a person they admit that they focus on the individual person first and the marriage second. My relative, after many of our conversations, has started to shift her opinion regarding this.

I have found that too much secular (worldly) exposure can jaundice and harden my heart, if I'm not careful. If your wife practices in this environment, I can understand how it all starts to look the same; broken and hopeless. There IS hope and I'll pray for a break through for your marriage. Through Him all things ARE possible.

[rdsmith3]

thanks again for the prayers, everyone. I really do appreciate them.

[jenfri76]

My husband and I have had countless arguments about female/male friendships. My husband had alot of female friends before we got married. We had many arguments about them calling our house, me never meeting any of them. Now, 5 years later my husband I found out was still friends with an ex female friend who after we became engaged she started stalking him. He cut the friendship off. Now she has re surfaced by contacting my husband for his company to fix her computer. ( Which is what our business does). I felt she should not have been allowed any where near our business b/c of her behavior in the past. My husband felt I was being silly and insecure. My husband also was friends with his ex fiance' to the point of her calling only his office phone numbers. Emailing him only at his office. Bringing her computer to be fixed and then her other family members computers to be fixed for little or no charge. It to me just seemed dis respectful.

My husband also has a female friend who recently got married a few years ago. She sends our business clients and basically keeps food on our table. However she and my husband are very very close. I have never ever met her in person, we were not invited or b/c of my husband did not attend her wedding, she and my husband meet for lunch and meetings during the work day sometimes if he meets with her and I call he will not answer his phone. One time he even lied about being at lunch with her. She will go and visit him at his office and of course they talk business - but their relationship is more than business. It just seems odd to me.


To me these situations dont seem innocent. Are these examples of female/male relationships that are ok in marriage?

[km]

The friendships per se may - or may not - be any sort of problem.

The secrecy and/or hiding associated with some of what yo've said is troubling.