Growthtrac Community

[km]

charity1 and SAM - I share your fears as to living in a world full of tempations, this is a big part of why I am trying to get us to a point where I can feel fullfilled at home. I don't want to live in terror of the temptaions swirling around me. I detest the moral failures I've had to date, and don't wish to be vulnerable to greater failures. Isn't marriage supposed to be something of a refuge from those tempations, a positive place t focus one's desires?

From what you've both just said, I am curious on this point: if she gets her pleasure, essentially on her schedule (with minimal adjustment for my sake), with little regard to my wants or needs or desires - how is she any different than the insensitive husband that won't do anything to help his wife achieve some pleasure? Would a woman in that position get the same advice? Or are you operating under a bit of a double standard here?

If I wanted something contrary to Scripture, or even something merely unusual, I would much better understand your advice just above here (I would even agree with it wholeheartedly). I don't want anything contrary to Scripture or out of the mainstream, and am open to reasonable compromises. But I get nothing of what I want, and only a little more frequent forays into running it her way without any departures from the tight script. I've had to spend an inordinate amount of my time and energy over the last 30 years struggling against my desires, and I am wearied by the unending fight.


Edited to add: If y'all think I'm just a whiny baby over this, go ahead and unload on me.

[charity1]

km,

From what you've both just said, I am curious on this point: if she gets her pleasure, essentially on her schedule (with minimal adjustment for my sake), with little regard to my wants or needs or desires - how is she any different than the insensitive husband that won't do anything to help his wife achieve some pleasure? Would a woman in that position get the same advice? Or are you operating under a bit of a double standard here?

My advice would be the same to a husband or a wife in your situation. You have been blessed with a faithful spouse who obviously loves you. From what you have told us to date, it appears she is making some small steps toward pleasing you. You have told her you were unhappy with the frequency, so she has stepped it up a notch. You both seem to be caught up in a vicious cycle. You are resentful of her because she isn't giving you want you want, and she is resentful of you for asking her to do something she isn't comfortable doing. I am not saying what you want is unscriptural or wrong, I am saying it may not be something your wife is capable of. If that is the case, how does God look at it? Do you think He wants you to get rid of her and find someone who will or shame her until she does, or love her for who she is and thank Him for the fact that you have a wife who does respond to you and is trustworthy. Like I said before, when we get caught up in our own worldly desires, we leave ourselves wide open for discontent and temptation. My advice is to stop focusing on the negative and focus on the positive. The devil would love nothing more than to convince you that you deserve someone better than your wife. The grass is greener somewhere else. The grass is always greener over the septic tank, km. Don't believe a lie. Yes, marriage is supposed to be a refuge from temptation and a positive place to focus one's desires, but one has to choose to accept that refuge and think positively about the person they have been provided. I'm not trying to unload on you, I am trying to make you see what you have now rather than later when it may be too late to save it.

[SAM]

From what you've both just said, I am curious on this point: if she gets her pleasure, essentially on her schedule (with minimal adjustment for my sake), with little regard to my wants or needs or desires - how is she any different than the insensitive husband that won't do anything to help his wife achieve some pleasure? Would a woman in that position get the same advice? Or are you operating under a bit of a double standard here?

KM, did you completely miss the points in the posts today? It zoomed right over your head. No double standard here.

Please go back and re-read the posts from Charity and myself a few times. I hope a little prayer will bring further
clarity to the direction God may be taking you toward. I sat here today several times and prayed for Holy Spirit guidance in my responses to you.

I pray the words written, and the ones inbetween the lines, will be seen with further clarity this evening.

Right now I need to go put a towel over my head to stop the steam from coming out of my ears. I'm loggin off for the evening.

[resecured]

km -

Please heed what Sam and Charity have so wisely posted to you. When you get down to it, would you want to hurt your wife beyond all reason because she does not feel comfortable with certain aspects of sex? It might just be that this is the way it will be for the two of you. It is so often said that God will fill the void of what our spouses do not give us. Allow Him to take these thoughts, these certain desires from you so that satan cannot tempt you. If you don't think you can do that, then you need to sit her down and tell her flat out that you are at your wits end. She has a right to know what it could cost her in the long run if she is not willing to at least go to a marriage counselor together. Don't wait. If you think you have a problem now, what do you think your life would be like should you ever betray her.


-RJ-

[veggiemelt]

Why will this not let me send?

[veggiemelt]

Well, I wrote a response for you km, but this stupid thing will not let me send it. So i am just going to pray for you.

[SAM]

But I get nothing of what I want.

She knows what I want,and that just isn't going to happen without a major attitude change on her part.

She is trying to buy me off with somewhat greater frequency.

If she had to have other stimulation in order to get hers, might she have found a way to open her mind to it?

Everything else has backfired for the last 28 years and counting, I'm sort of used to it at this point.

She hasn't any real close friends.

We have not read Scripture together.

She hasn't been open to following my lead on church related things in general (or anything else, really) -

I haven't tried this though.

It has become amazingly clear. KM, there is more going on in your marriage than the sex issue. It's a spiritual issue.
When there is a spiritual battle taking place, it is very difficult to connect with your spouse through sexual intimacy.

[km]

It has become amazingly clear. KM, there is more going on in your marriage than the sex issue. It's a spiritual issue.

Yep. There is and it is.

[SAM]

So, the $100 question is: What will you do to rectify this situation and move forward ?

[km]

I wish I knew.

[rdsmith3]

SAM

In broad terms, isn't that what virtually all marital issues are about (among believing Christians)?

If there are financial issues, it is because I ultimately do not view everything as coming from God, and do not manage my money accordingly. I am selfish.

If there are child raising issues, it could because we are not training them up in the ways of the Lord, or because we do not have the correct priorities (1. God; 2. marriage; 3. kids).

If there are love and respect issues, it is because we are not following Ephesians 5.

If there are sex issues, it is because we are not following 1 Corinthians 7.

and so on.

In short, we are all selfish, sinning, imperfect creatures.

But, as believers, we should be trying to become more Christ-like, with the help of the Holy Spirit. Despite our best efforts to change ourselves (assuming we are sincerely doing this, and not just deluded or prideful) it is extremely frustrating when we do not see similar changes occurring in our spouse. However, that does not mean we should give up on our own efforts to become more like Christ and to grow spiritually.

[SAM]

Of course, RD, it always comes down to choosing "our way" instead of "God's way", or "our understanding" over "God's wisdom".

It is extremely frustrating when we do not see similar changes occurring in our spouse.

It's extremely frustrating to not understand God's ways or desires. I have been praying for a certain circumstance in my life for over two years, with no clear answer. However, I have to believe that God is silent for a reason, or my prayer is not what he wants for me. It's always easier to focus on the faults of another individual, over our own sinful selfishness. Is God not big enough, wise enough, or patient enough that he knows when he needs to work in the lives of our spouses? Our patience is not long lasting enough to trust that he will do the work he promises to do. One or twenty years in our lifetime is a millisecond compared to God's timeframe.

Yet, each of us while we are here, are responsible for working on becoming more Christlike. Not an easy task, and we often fail. When we really think about it - how loving, patient, kind, full of peace and joy, good, faithful, gentle and full of self-control are we toward our spouses on a daily basis? I know I fail the test quite often. Yet, I can take a magnifying glass to my husband and pick apart his faults quite easily. It's that speck in his eye, and the huge log in my eye that I fail to see.

Example: I want my husband to be more romantic, plan date nights, remember flowers occasionally, make sure he touches me and kisses me a certain way while we are intimate, remembers everything on his honey-do list, and cherish and worship the ground I walk on as his life-time mate. In the same moment, I can be frustrated, irritated, condescending and plain old out mean and resentful with my words when he forgets. Whose the one who needs work with Christ? Not my husband - me.

[rdsmith3]

SAM

You want him to idolize you? Isn't that a sin?

I have asked my wife to pray with me many times, but she refuses to do so because she would have to make herself vulnerable. We do not have spiritual or physical intimacy.

[SAM]

KM -
A suggestion for the place to start.

1) Write down all the things that are strengths in your marriage.
2) Write down the things you love about your wife.
3) Write down the things you know you still need to work on in yourself.
4) Write down your hopes, dreams, and prayers that you have for your marriage.
5) Write down the growth areas that you (as a couple) need to work on.

Hint: Notice the focus is not on what your wife needs to fix (that is God's job.)

Perhaps, this is the letter you give your wife.

As the head of your home, you have a tremendous responsibility to change the spiritual atmosphere of your home.

1) ask the men in your small group what they feel are important steps toward building spiritual maturity in the home and/or changing the atmosphere
2) music changes the atmosphere of a space more than anything else. Listen to K-Love on the radio in the kitchen, the bathroom, etc. Listen to GrowthtracRadio.com on your computer, I-phone, or through Live 365. I have GT Radio on all day long at my desk. K-Love is on in our bathroom and I move my laptop to the kitchen to listen to GT Radio.
3) turn off the TV in the evening - or cuddle up together to watch 1 show
4) GT offers a Daily Marriage Minute subscription - it is something you and your wife can discuss daily. Also, every Wednesday on the home page is a new date night suggestion.
5) pray at meals
6) express to your wife how much it would mean to you to read scripture with her every day. Proverbs has a verse for every day of the month (add a verse from Song of Songs for spice). Also, Jim and Shirley Dobson have a great book called Night Lights for couples.
7) worship together regularly on Sundays

[SAM]

You want him to idolize you? Isn't that a sin?

RD - I was exagerrating unrealistic expectations. (They are not mine.) Yet, you would be amazed how often I hear this from couples.