Growthtrac Community

[mom_of2boys]

I do have an original post on the welcome board about my situation. I'll add a little bit in here because some points I think are relevant and I'm sorry in advance as this will get long.

My husband and I have been in marriage counseling since December - almost weekly and he's done 3 solo sessions. One of our main issues is lack of communication. My husband is really bad at communicating his feelings and ends up keeping things bottled up inside for a long time - which is why I think we are where we are. He says he wants to make this marriage work yet he still has yet to make any effort or any changes indicating that. And I do know that this is huge that he's even going to counseling with me - I do realize the importance of it and is why I'm trying my hardest to be patient with him.

Now, one of my issues - I think my husband lies to me all the time and it's to a point where I'm not sure if I can believe him when he tells me what he's doing or where he's at. He will also choose to not tell me things and then when I find out about them he doesn't think it's a big deal since he didn't "technically" lie to me. For instance, here are some things he didn't tell me and I later found out about - going to the casino when he wasn't supposed to, doing cash advances on our credit cards to cover a job mistake (he's an independent carpentry contractor, his mistake), helping a friend on his girlfriend's house in Canada (i knew he was helping but had no idea it was in Canada!) - that's just to name a few. I am starting to analyze everything he does or says to me - and I want nothing more than to be able to believe that he's being 100% honest with me.

We are renovating a home right now and we're currently living with his parents, with 2 small children. It's been brought to my attention through his parents that there have been many times he wasn't working on the house when that's where I thought he was. My father-in-law has been doing the majority of the work there and he is ALWAYS there (every day). A lot of this knowledge just came from normal conversation - he would say something thinking I knew (because most husbands and wives communicate about their whereabouts). His parents have become a huge support system for me and they know more about our issues than they probably should - but some of it just couldn't be avoided because we live with them and they see what goes on (husband doesn't help out with kids like he should, is never home, etc.). A few months ago we were all trying to figure out what was going on with my husband and why he would've wanted to end our marriage. We all noticed a difference in his behavior and we're trying to put things together and come up with a reason - is he cheating, is he doing drugs, is he gambling again. I confronted him about cheating because at one point I was 99.9% sure that was it - I determined this from looking at our cell phone bills, monitoring numbers he was calling/texting as well as when, and even called the number where a girl answered. He said there was no other woman and the number I called was one of his workers and it was his wife that answered. He told me I could call back and ask for so and so - I eventually did just to give me peace of mind and it was who he said it was. He was also asked about doing drugs and gambling - denied both of them.

Part of me thinks he is gambling though. We have had some financial issues and I don't understand why we don't have as much money as I think we should have - we're living rent free, grocery free, utility free! A couple things have happened that just don't add up for me. Now, this may be just a coincidence, but my diamond in my wedding ring fell out one day - I put my jewelry in a drawer and didn't notice it when I took my rings off but when I went to put them back on 2 days later my diamond was gone. I searched everywhere and never found it. I don't remember catching it on anything nor are any of the prongs bent where it could have easily fallen out. I have this awful thought in the back of my mind that my husband took it and pawned it for money - that's where I'm at right now, those are the kinds of things I come up with. I would like to think he would never do that but I just don't know what to think anymore.

I pray for my husband every day. I ask God to help him be honest with me and if he is doing something that he's hiding to help him come clean and that I'll forgive him and work with him to overcome whatever we need to overcome. I also pray for our marriage, for him and me to make the changes we need to, and I pray for him about a lot of different areas in his life. I ask God for strength to help me through this but sometimes I feel like I struggle getting by. I don't want to be thinking these things about my husband but when he's never home and doesn't make an effort to make me feel loved, my mind just wanders. I'm driving myself crazy doing this!!!

Help - any insight or words of encouragement????

[charity1]

mom_of2boys,
It sounds encouraging that your husband is still going to counseling. Has he opened up at all to you since you have been going? You mention that you think he could be gambling again. Has he tried to get help in the past for gambling, and has this been an issue between you before? It definitely sounds like he is hiding something. I know what it's like to have a spouse that has trouble communicating. I was amazed to find out that my husband was intimidated by my body language! I try very hard not to sit with my arms crossed or stare at him when he is talking. It seems like he opens up more when we are doing something together, whether it's riding in the car, working around the yard or lying in bed in the dark before we go to sleep. I have heard that it isn't good to talk in the bedroom, but my husband seems to talk much better in the dark. Your husband will have trouble opening up to you if he thinks you will be judgmental or will let him have it if he confesses something to you. His worst fear could be that you will leave him if you learn the truth.

I ask God to help him be honest with me and if he is doing something that he's hiding to help him come clean and that I'll forgive him and work with him to overcome whatever we need to overcome.

Have you told him this? He needs to feel safe in order to open up to you. If you can make it clear that no matter what he tells you, you two will work through it, maybe he will feel secure enough to tell you what is actually going on, but if you say that, you have to mean it, no matter what, and that can be tough, let me tell you!! It is probably not helping either that your family is living with his parents. That has to make him feel like he is a child again. I think you stated in your previous post that he can't do anything right around them. He needs to want to come home to you. Maybe you two should take a long drive together or take a walk in a park or around the neighborhood or something like that where you can be alone, side by side, and let him talk. Try asking gentle, non-threatening questions. Maybe you could start out by saying how awkward it is for two families to live together, and ask him if he ever just dreads coming home, or something to that effect. Try to empathize with anything you think might be on his mind. See if you can draw him out, and if he does start talking, try very hard not to say anything that might shut him down. Don't play down his feelings are insinuate his feelings are all wrong, because his feelings are his feelings, so they are real to him, even if you disagree with them. No matter what he says, try not to lose your temper or raise your voice. Try very hard to be understanding and non-judgmental. These are just some suggestions that have worked for me.

[jesuslovesyou]

mom of 2 boys, Your posts are a little scary to me, because they are so close to home. I read your Vicodin post and responded to that before this one...so you can read that too. My husband and I have been married for over 20 years - 1 son in college, a daughter in high school. My husband worked rotating shifts, so I gave up a lucrative career to raise and do everything for the kids and the home - my choice really. I would not trade anything to the time with the kids and the way they have turned out...but to my husband, I was not who he married and I spent too much time on the kids and not enough time with him. Of course, none of this was communicated because we are both non-confrontational and don't communicate well. He had what I call an emotional affair (he denies it because they never had sex) 12 years ago and I have never been able to trust him again. Probably because of the lies... where he was, who he bought gifts for...who he was able to talk everything over with etc. And I am sure my lack of trust in him makes him back away even more and communicate even less. He is also not a well person - he has been tested for everything from MS, Fibromyalgia, arthritis...spine problems. He is medicated for spinal degeneration - but not bad enough to operate on or really as bad as the pain he describes would indicate according to 2 separate neurosurgeons...he takes antidepressents too - though supposedly not for the depression (did I mention he sleeps days at a time), but for the nerve pain... I wish he could go see "Dr. House" for a cure. Oh yes, on to our similarities...we are remodeling our house. My parents had a vacant rental house and allowed us to move in rent free - 6 months ago. I was able to hire a contractor to remodel our kitchen (it was completed 3 months ago) but my husband has to do all rewiring of the house etc...because he thinks he is the only one who knows how to do it perfectly. I constantly hear how much money we are saving by him doing the work, but I think a professional could have done what he has completed in a few weeks and the house could have been rented and more money saved. Anyone out there with suggestions on how I hire someone to do the work without crushing my husbands ego and no I really don't even know what he is doing to be able to hire someone as he has it all drawn out (maybe in his head)...I digress...but you see the similarities. Oops, my husband won't go to counseling and he doesn't care that we don't have a real marriage, but he won't leave me. - these are his word. My best response to you is that you are not alone. Keep going to the counseling and be as open but not judgmental as possible. I don't know your kids ages, but be careful that they don't get stuck in the middle of this. My daughter routinely say she is never marrying or at least not someone like her father. Sad because there was aloving side to him...long ago...or now to everyone but his family. I will pray for you...please pray for me. thanks