Growthtrac Community

[D.L.]

I have been married for 37 years and most of those years have been very good. My husband & I were both very young when we were married and we were not Christians. I became a believer about 7 years after our marriage and it was another 5 years or so later that my husband came to know the Lord. Several years after his conversion he confessed to me that he had 2 different one night stands while traveling with business. He said he felt the Lord had convicted him to tell me. He said he felt nothing for either girl, just away from home, a little too much to drink... blah blah blah. At the time he told me it seemed easy to forgive. Though it hurt, the fact that I would never have known otherwise made me feel like I could trust him. I haven't given it much thought through the years until lately. On top of the whole empty nest thing I have been going through menopause this past year and I guess the hormone garbage has brought all this to the surface. My husband has always traveled alot with his job and it has never bothered me much but I hate it now. I know the reason is I am afraid he will be unfaithful again. The thought parades across my mind all the time. I have all these questions about the sexaul encounters that I guess anyone who experiences infidelity struggles with. We have discussed it several times, had a few big fights about it and all in all he has been very sweet and reassuring but my mind will not leave it alone. There are times I feel so mad at him I could throw something at him and I try to remind myself that I am obsessing about something that happen 25 years ago. He has given me no reason to doubt him though he does have a new job that is very demanding. He is under alot of stress yet I know he still tries very hard to let me know he loves me. I feel a little stupid that I am struggling so much with this especially when I talk to friends in bad marriages and read some of the sad enteries on these blogs. He is a good decent man and puts effort into our marriage yet I struggle with this doubt daily. Sometimes I wonder if the Holy Spirit is preparing me for something terrible then the next minute I can feel like I am just an old paranoid silly woman! Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

[km]

Sometimes I wonder if the Holy Spirit is preparing me for something terrible

Here is a thought to consider - that this is indeed a spiritual message - but from the fallen angel, rather than the Holy Spirit. If you persist in hitting a trustworthy man with doubts about his trustworthyness, you will create a situation where he more likely to come to live down to your expectations (because he is already convicted of the crimes regardless of what he does).

[D.L.]

Sometimes I wonder if the Holy Spirit is preparing me for something terrible

Here is a thought to consider - that this is indeed a spiritual message - but from the fallen angel, rather than the Holy Spirit. If you persist in hitting a trustworthy man with doubts about his trustworthyness, you will create a situation where he more likely to come to live down to your expectations (because he is already convicted of the crimes regardless of what he does).

km~Yes I feel that the enemy is attacking me & my marriage. If he is after me then I fear he is putting temptation in front of my husband. As I said before I have been hormonally out of whack this past year & I see myself getting older, not as attractive as I use to be (also realizing that I have a problem with vanity!) and the enemy has jumped on that vulnerability. I made the decision awhile back not to bring any of this up to my husband again but it is not easy to stick by that decision. I feel a panic everytime he goes out of town, which happens almost every week. I am trying to memorize scripture references to concentrate on when I am feeling overwhelmed with the insecurity. I am just curious if anyone else out there has had this same experience & how long it lasted and what helped them deal with it. I guess if it is a spiritual attack by the enemy it will last only as long as the Lord allows it. I have to trust that God has a purpose for all this emotional upheavel.

[km]

The Satanic nudge here may be that he is putting fear into you so that you push him into temptation (and actual sin) that he isn't going to be able to get your husband into without you pushing toward it.

[jesuslovesyou]

You are going through a lot. Empty nests leave a woman especially, wondering what their role is now. Hormones mess with our heads and bodies and the best solution is to give it to God...then get out an find something you like to do...women's Bible study, Coffee with a group of women, do you work? p/t job, volunteer, walk everyday (exercise)...yes, though it is still normal for those doubts to come through. Once trust is violated, it is always difficult to trust again. It sounds like you have a good man though - he admitted his fault and has found a way to avoid it. Don't let fears ruin what you do have. Find a way to think of something great you have done together and get rid of those crazy thought when they come into your head. I'll pray for you.

[veggiemelt]

DL - I can so identify with the much of what you are feeling. Menopause is indeed an adjustment. It took me a couple of years and some really good drugs to sort out what was just life and what was hormonal. As a society in general, we tend to "blame" thing on menopause, and men love to use it as an excuse as to why we are "crazy".

Though there is alot of adjustment in going through the physical changes of menopause, much of what you are feeling has really more to do with the change in life when you no longer have children to care for. The infidelity of 25 years ago, was most likely just put aside at the time because you had other responsiblities - now that those responsibilities are gone, alot of stuff may come up inside of you, it is because your mind is open now to deal with it rather then to push it away.

Things from the past need to be addressed somehow inside of you, you need to allow your self to come to terms with it, and that is totally normal and OK. However, don't let it make you nuts, just because your husband cheated on you 25 years ago doesn't mean that he will do it now. That is where you are vulnerable to being attacked by the enemy - Satan always goes for the weak point, in this case it is most likely doubt that has manifested because you never properly dealt with you feelings at the time they happened.

As for a little feeling of being less attractive, that does in some ways have to do with menopause, but it isn't because you are less attractive, it is just because being fertile, make you feel a sense of purpose. When that is gone, there is a big empty feeling. This in combination with the empty nest feelings - is just magnified. Also, there is a little something about being infertile that can effect your level of intimacy - the biology of your cycle sends off signals to your husband, when those natural indicators are done, there seems to be a loss of attraction. It can be a little strange for both of you, you need to address it and just make sure that you both understand that is has nothing to do with the way that you feel about each other, it is just a "nature calls" thing that is absent.

You might have to try a little harder to feel your sense of feminity or sexuality, but trust me, it is still there it just feels a little different and you need to get to know how it all works for you now. The one thing I can tell you is that after you get used to liking yourself this way - you will be pretty happy with it. I would highly recommend hormone replacement, ask your doctor about bio drugs - they are made from plant extract and are very effective and low risk. Second, if you don't already exercise - start now. It is a huge release for all that is going on inside of you and a good place to find a center with God.

Take care of yourself, treat yourself well, cry, get mad, whatever, but let it out. Stay strong, feel, act and think young, and be empowered by the changes in your life. it feels a little strange and even maybe sad at first, but if you look at it from a positive perspective - you really are on the better side of the hill.

[veggiemelt]

DL - one more thing - about vanity.
Wanting to feel attractive is not vanity. This is another place where Satan tries to confuse us. God made women to be beautiful and visually pleasing. We are commanded by God as women to be attractive for our husbands. By taking care of yourself and being the best that you can be, you are showing respect for your marriage and to yourself and to God. Taking pride in your appearance and your health is exactly what we are supposed to do. Now that you kids are gone, you get to have your time for yourself. Take It!!! And don't feel bad about it, pamper yourself and enjoy it, it is one of the good things we get out of being older. Also, often times the financial responsibility of no longer raising kids can free up some cash, if it does, and your husband is in support of you wanting to treat yourself better, then use use it. It is not only a gift to you, but it is a gift to him. The benefits to a man in living with a woman who takes the time and effort to take care of herself are rewarding in so many ways.

I used to be more apt to by tangable thing like clothes and shoes when I was younger. But, my husband was not all that thrilled at times, they didn't really benefit him too much. However, when I started taking an interest in things that were more sentual, like lotions, bath products, things that smell good, and make my body feel good - he started supporting that financially. Before the economy started to limit out spending, he was willingly paying for spy visits, facials, hair appointments, and expensive body creams. Not only that, but even now when money is tight, he does not hesitiate one bit to buy me a new exercise * or a support a new exercise trend. I had to give up the expensive spa treatments, but he still makes absolutely sure I have the money to buy lotions and a bath stuff. (I think part of that is because he likes the bubble bath as much as I do).

I feel better and healthier at 45 and five years into menopause then I did when I was 30, and not once have I ever felt that it was vain, in fact i feel like I am doing exactly what he asks of me.

I went into premature ovarian failure at 38 and hit full session of cycling by 40. I was really young and I felt really old. I did not get on medication for almost three years. It was a huge mistake and after I started working on sorting it all out and went on medication, I feel like a totally different person, like I found the fountain of youth except without the stupidity of actually being young.

Don't let Satan fool you into thinking that you should not do whatever you need to do to feel good about yourself, you have every right for yourself and a responsibity to your marriage and to God to do so.

[resecured]

DL,

Your struggles seem like a carbon copy of my own. I too, am experiencing the dreaded empty-nest syndrome, am now in the second year of menopause, and have a husband who betrayed me about 28 years ago. I promise you, we are not silly paranoid women. We are going through events of major changes that do indeed cause people to question their existence, their lives. The fact that we have so many charging at us at once, is enough to make us feel as though "what's next?". What's around the corner this time? When is the next hammer going to fall? Does that sound about right?

The thing that should reassure you is the fact that your husband did tell you on his own. I didn't have that gift. I learned of my husband's adulteries because I was given a STD. I knew that I was pure, so there was no other possiblity.

My husband also travels on business. He also travels more these days. It was while on these trips out of town that he made his conquests. So I know exactly how you feel. Honestly, we cannot prevent them from straying, never could. What we can do is pray for peace and strength when these thoughts are thrown at us. It seems that your husband has changed from what you say. I would talk to him each time that these thoughts assail your mind. Yes, it was years ago when these events happened but they happened, period. I don't know but maybe you didn't confront what happened back then so now with everything that is going on in your life, it's causing you to rethink. You have to deal with it. Don't just think that pushing it under the rug is the answer. It's not, believe me, I know. You have to deal in order to heal. It may also mean counseling. I pray that your husband understands what you are now going through.

I will pray that God gives you the peace and strength that you need to conquer your insecurities.

-RJ-

[D.L.]

It is encouraging to read all the comments. I wanted to share that I read somewhere that forgiveness is not forgetting but remembering without resentment. It is hard to get to that point but concentrating on 2 Cor 2:5-11 & Matt 6:14-15 has been helpful, especially in the wording of the Amplified translation. I also wanted to comment on KM's comment about pushing someone into temptation. I understand the point that we have to put the past in the past but I only think that can be done after healing has taken place. For a marriage to heal & thrive after infidelity the offending partner has to truly repent. That would include giving the other spouse the time needed to sort things out in thier heart & mind and to talk things through as many times as neccessary during the process. If someone is not willing to do that I would question their repentence. Also I don't think anyone is pushed into temptation. That is a matter of character & integrity. Someone is either trustworthy or their not. We all know people in terrible marriages that would never cheat and others who have great spouses yet will commit adultry. I agree that we need to be the spouse God wants us to be and strive to meet our partners needs but being unfaithful is an indication of a character flaw. It is a copout to say it is someone elses fault.
To RJ, I will be praying for you also. It can be a tough time in life even without the added struggle of trusting your spouse.

[Empty Shell of a Man]

I am wondering if, besides your gutfeeling, if there are any other signs you are observing in his behavior that is triggering your female instincts??

[km]

DL - A person's sins are their own, and they are accountable for them. No argument there.

But people can act so as to help their spouse avoid temptation or so as to make it more dificult for them. Since no one is perfect, and all fall short, a person's actions will help or hinder their spouse in his or her walk. Some spouses will fail no matter what. Some will not fail no matter what. A lot of them fall in between.