Growthtrac Community

[rdsmith3]

My wife has been struggling with some issues with her sister and also TMJ pain. She also had a dream about me the other night and woke up angry about me. (See, even in my sleep I am assumed to be doing something wrong. ) She is very stressed by all of this, which is bad for TMJ pain. She grinds her teeth in her sleep and clenches her jaw.

Anyway, she told me today that she realizes that she is always hyper-vigilant; that she is in a constant mode of protection; that she has the classic fight or flight response; and that she usually has an automatic, negative physiological reaction to me.

None of this surprises me. I have seen it for years. (I would also add that she is continually angry -- at me, her sister, etc.) I am frustrated that it has continued for years. I pray for her. I tell her that I love her. I don't know what else to do. Any ideas?

We had a pretty good weekend, which is good, because Sundays are often a struggle. She told me that she is trying harder to overlook the things I do that irritate her. I agreed that was a good idea (apparently there are many things I do that annoy her.) I also told her that she might not realize this, but there are things she does that irritate me, that I let go. She seemed truly surprised that she might do something that irritates another person.

[km]

Glimmers of hope there - it sounds as if there is more actual communication going on. Try to keep that happening - she is appearing to be somewhat open to seeing outside of her box, you want that to continue (and it will start very slwly - so patience is important).

[rdsmith3]

I have seen the glimmers for a while. The Holy Spirit is at work in a variety of ways.

But despite counseling, praying, etc. she even admits that she cannot move beyond the protective mode. She is unable, she says, to stop the automatic negative responses to me.

[km]

Her perception of the issue is the great first step. The gradual opening to seeing that others (like you) indulge her foibles will be another. Over time, if not derailed, this arc will have her increasing to notice that others cut her slack and that she is overly defensive. It is a slow wearing down (which may have periodic jumps, but may not).

Keep the arc moving and stay encouraging (but not overtly pressuring) of her to explore her issues more.

[veggiemelt]

rd, something good is happening here. That is awesome for the both of you. If she falls back a little at times, let it go, it sounds like she had broken a barrier somewhere. You may be the last to benefit from it, but at least it sounds like you are now at least included in line. I am really happy for you, this is great news.