Growthtrac Community

[jenfri76]

Hello,
My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We have a 2 year old son - we both work full time jobs, run a business, and are in school. We have had some marital issues, and alot of trust issues along with resentment for past and present behaviors on both parts. We have not been sexually intimate in 18 months. My husband says it is b/c he is not pleased with my behavior of not trusting him, snooping through his emails, and my bad mis management of money that has gone on for years. So, he has pulled back and resorts to watching pornographic videos online and masturbation. This has caused deep concern for me because I really love my husband and I desire him sexually, however, I have become insecure, feeling as though he is no longer sexually attracted to me. He wants me to initiate sex, but I cannot do it b/c I just don't feel as though he really desires me. We have been going to marriage counseling - but stopped b/c we felt our counselor was not really helping us get to the root cause of our issues. We are Christians, and have recently watched the movie "Fire Proof" and have really been trying to work on our marriage, but still no intamacy. How do we get past this? How do I get my husband to desire me?

Thanks sof taking the time to read my post - I look forward to your replies.

[km]

A number of us here struggle with somewhat similar problems.

Finding a new counselor would be one step - it often takes a few tries before you find one that you both click with.

There are a number of books, weekend events/seminars and the like to help with marriage issues.

You are also both highly stressed/over-scheduled and burdened with work/family/school - that can tank a man's (or woman's) libido. If your relationship is indeed strained, he may be shying away from sex with you as a part of his over-stressed problem (the fact that he is masturbating may be more related to stress release - as many men use it for relieving stress, rather than as a real sexual outlet).

[jenfri76]

km,
Thank you so much for your reply. Yes, we have too much going on - with just 1 1/2 years of school left we are really trying to "tough it out". Our marriage is strained b/c of the stress. I agree 100%. I agree that yes masturbation for a man can be a form of release. However, 18 months of masturbation is excessive - but, I think that finding another counselor perhaps a Christian counselor might be able to assist us. Maybe my husband might need to talk to someone on his own. I will continue to pray about it and talk to my husband on this issue more. We do have 1 weekend a month alone when my parents keep our son - we usually go out to dinner and a movie but at the end of the night we fall asleep. I am always hoping for intamacy then, it does not happen.

A number of us here struggle with somewhat similar problems.

Finding a new counselor would be one step - it often takes a few tries before you find one that you both click with.

There are a number of books, weekend events/seminars and the like to help with marriage issues.

You are also both highly stressed/over-scheduled and burdened with work/family/school - that can tank a man's (or woman's) libido. If your relationship is indeed strained, he may be shying away from sex with you as a part of his over-stressed problem (the fact that he is masturbating may be more related to stress release - as many men use it for relieving stress, rather than as a real sexual outlet).

[rdsmith3]

jenfri76

Welcome, first of all.

I strongly encourage you to go to Christian counseling as a couple. Yes, it is difficult to find the time, but finding the time also shows a certain level of commitment to the marriage.

I think it would also be good for your husband to find some men at church (do you attend church?) with whom he can be accountable. The friendships with women (from your other post) and the things you mention above are warning signs. He needs some mentoring from an older man, ideally.

[jenfri76]

Thank you rdsmith3,

I am going to search for a christian counselor for the both of us. We can go once a week like we were going if it is going to help us save our marriage we will make the time. We do attend church, that is a great idea about my husband being around more men at church. My husband's father is a pastor - but does not live near us - I think being around men at church and forming some friendships with them would be a great thing. For me to do as well with other women from our church as well as our son. We could make it a family affair and a mission to be more involved in church and meet people instead of going and rushing out afterwards like we usually do.

Thanks you for that wonderful advice.

jenfri76

Welcome, first of all.

I strongly encourage you to go to Christian counseling as a couple. Yes, it is difficult to find the time, but finding the time also shows a certain level of commitment to the marriage.

I think it would also be good for your husband to find some men at church (do you attend church?) with whom he can be accountable. The friendships with women (from your other post) and the things you mention above are warning signs. He needs some mentoring from an older man, ideally.