Growthtrac Community

[stilltrying]

Hi, I wondering if anyone notices this. My husband seems to talk differently to females than he does males. He talks the same with females as he does with like my parents but I seem very sensitive to this since finding out about my husbands one night stand he had 18 yrs ago,(I found out 3 yrs ago). I wouldn't say it's flirtatious but he takes a sweeter tone, so I was wondering if this is something I should be concerned with or not and if other males do this. I feel like it bothers me because maybe because my H ons he only met her a couple times so some how I put his talking with it could happen again, if that makes sense. thanks I hope someone can offer some advise

[km]

I think every man I know speaks differently to women than to men. I think that - by itself - is appropriate.

Now the fact that there is a difference that doesn't mean that the way that your husband differs in his approach is appropriate.

[stilltrying]

thank you that helps however what did you mean by the last paragraph, I didn't quite get what you were saying?
Thank, any other opinions would be great

[rdsmith3]

Men do talk differently to men than to women. Normally, men talk more respectfully to women, without coarse language.

We don't know enough about your situation to determine if the difference your husband exhibits is an appropriate, respectful way of relating to women, or if it is an inappropriate, flirtatious way.

[km]

If men talked to women the way they talk to men, the women would never stop crying (I briefly helped coach a female team among all the seasons coaching male teams, it is two different worlds!).

Men have to speak gentler to women, and worry about their feelings. We don't have do that with other men. We can yell at other men, or throw things at them (I once had a very highly regarded coach who occaisionally broke clipboards on us players). We can be very blunt and hard and unrelenting. We can also be very crude. That sort of thing generally will not fly at all with women (at least not the ones we ought to be talking to).

However, it is possible that your husband is being too open or flirty when talking to other women. There are right ways and wrong ways to relate to women - and both (all?) are different than the way we relate to other men.

[stilltrying]

Thanks for clarifying that for me. Ok without getting into too much about my situation cuz it's long, when I listen to my husband on the phone, I can tell his voice is just as you said "gentler" "sweeter", I wouldn't classify what I hear as flirty and he uses that same tone when he talks to my parents or aunt and uncle, however since being in my recovery since his infidelity my mind has wondered and I think I assume things that arent' there, that' s why this is something I'm confused about. We had kind of a game going, when he'd get off the phone I'd say you were just talking with a female right? and usually I was right, not always, is it considered respect or flirtatious if he uses her name on the phone, so if a stephanie answered the phone and he said Hi Stephanie this is so and so, is that considered flirtatious or just being nice? See I don't do that but he does, not usually with women but with guys. I guess I'm still recovering but I worry more about when he's alone how he talks, but I'm learning to leave all this in God's hands and not caging my husband and using alot of prayer, it's been hard but I've made progress. Thanks again I hope this helps, what do you think? I guess when does it become "flirtatious" or when is it just being nice and respectful?

[km]

If he is using the same tonal qualities with women as with his family members (like aunts and uncles), that would tend to make me think he is being appropriate (one doesn't flirt with family, right?).

I will try to repeat the person's name like that - because I have real trouble remembering names and do much better if I say it a couple times early in the conversation. Again, so far - nothing clearly bad.

Your gut feeling IS important when listening to him do this - there are subtle clues that are hard to articulate but which one knows when one hears them. But you might also want to keep in mind that you are extra-sensitive on this.

[D.L.]

I think if we are honest with ourselves we usually deal a little differently with the opposite sex & there is often a little sexual interest. It is just part of our nature but that doesn't mean anything is going on. The problem is once you have been hurt it is hard not to be overly suspicion. I wonder if you can ever trust someone 100% after they have cheated on you.

[stilltrying]

thanks again for all your thoughts on this. So what is "flirtatious" and just being nice and normal? I think I pay attention to it because his one night stand he had (which was 19 yrs ago I found out 3 yrs ago), he met her through his work and only talked with her twice before it happened so I guess I often wonder does the female on the other end think he's being overly friendly? He doesn't share personal stuff or anything or say anything that would make me think it's flirtatious it's just the tone of voice he takes, and sometimes I think he does more for the female than he would for a male but maybe that's something I see because I'm looking, for instances when he's doing a job for a guy I don't really pay attention to what he's doing so maybe I don't know but the female I'm right on top of it so maybe I just dont' see he does the same for both, I think some times my mind is playing games with me. But your thoughts really help.

[charity1]

stillltrying,
I know exactly what you are talking about. I can always tell when my husband is talking to a female on the phone because he has a different tone of voice, but I have also noticed that my grown son does it as well. The good news is, I have noticed they both have that same tone with a child on the phone, so I have decided it is more of a respectful and tender tone than a flirtatious one. I know where you are coming from though, after you have been burned like we have, you tend to analyze everything. I think it is just human nature under the circumstances, but as long as he isn't sharing personal stuff or getting too close with the female, I wouldn't worry about it.

[D.L.]

stilltrying-I know what you mean about feeling like your mind is playing tricks on you or just feeling like you are a little crazy. I hate to feel suspicious over every little thing but it helps to know I am not the only one that has these insecureites. Why do y'all think it is so hard to get over this, especially something that happened decades ago? I would love to have that secure feeling of knowing I could trust my husband completely but I am not sure I will ever feel that way. Do men deal with the same insecurity when their wives cheat?

[stilltrying]

DL, I'm sure men feel the same way if their wife cheated at least that's what I've read. I don't know about with your husband but my husband cheated one time 18 years ago, I only found out 3 yrs ago but he seems to not quite fully understand the whole recovery process, I've read that usually they want it over with and go on and especially since it happened so many years ago, sometimes with my husband I feel like he thinks I shouldn't have the issues I have. Don't get me wrong, I have come a very long way in my recovery, oh boy back then I was a basket case, one day wanting to leave not wanting to deal with it to the next deciding to stay, I'll say the last 3 yrs has been very difficult. It has really been one step at a time, I have good days, even weeks to all of a sudden a bad day or days, and it's usually a trigger or something we aren't agreeing on that makes me upset, well such as the phone thing, his voice. It's crazy, I never thought it could be this hard. Will I ever fully trust him again? I don't think so, I think there will always be suspicions but I am really working on my walk with the Lord to trust him and trust my husband with him, that he will keep all temptations away from him, that's really hard, I blamed God for a long time, wondering how he let so many years go by without me knowing, how I could live a happy life, we had a great marriage, never did I have any suspsions then I get hit in the face, wondering what else in our marriage was a lie, believing it only happened once since he basically got away with it for so long he could have thought he could get away with it again. But I finally looked at it a different way that maybe God allowed me to not know so my husband could prove to me that he had been faithful all those years after, I don't know but it was His timing for when I was to know. I think my recovery is just going to be little steps and me working on my fears and anxieties and it's all with trust, wow looking back I have come a long ways though, I used to have panic attacks every time he walked out the door and went any where fearing who he would runor meet ect. , I don't get that anymore thank goodness. sorry to ramble on, but after all of this, you aren't the only one that has insecurities, I think we always will to a point.

[D.L.]

stilltrying-I understand exactly how you feel. My situation is posted under the topic "infidelity happened years ago why I am still struggling" and our circumstances sound similar. At times my husband also has that attitude that somehow I should see all this as no big deal though there have been other times he said he was afraid I would leave when he confessed & that I had the right to. He also told me he felt like he had stabbed me in the back which is a good description of how I feel sometime! As I mentioned in other posts I really felt like I had forgiven my husband and put things in the past until several months ago when out of the blue I started struggling with all this. We have talked about it & talked about it and I know he is tired of the whole issue. After much prayer I feel I should not bring it up anymore. For me right now that is the first step to walking in forgiveness. I understand that from his prespective it happened decades ago and we have had many good years together but there are times I feel a little angry that it needs to "taboo!" Being able to communicate on this blogs helps and I know I need to pray when I am struggling. I am trying to seek from God what it is that He wants me to learn from all this. I guess He knew I had buried unforgiveness in my heart. When I think of how I feel about my husband's betrayal I am amazed at God's great love & forgiveness that He offers us.
I know for you the pain must be harder because it has been a shorter period of time since you found out. How did you find out? I will be praying for you, that God would lead you to complete healing. A thought I just had is that we can find healing even if we never feel that 100% trust in our husbands. What I want is to feel confident that I can trust him but I guess in a fallen world and the fact that we are all sinners makes that impossible.

[stilltrying]

thanks DL, you're absolutely right that in the world we live in we are surrounded by temptations, I think that's what makes it hard is I don't know how strong my husband can be, I'm feeling more confidant that he can take a stand but then again I'm not so sure if he'd be weak. How I found out was well let me go to the beginning, 19 years ago only 10 months after we were married I suspected he had cheated only because he had a mild case of pubic lice, he completely denied, I went as far as calling doctors to ask if there was any other way he could get them, although they said it was slim they said he could, so I rested on the fact that maybe he got them from the apartment we just moved into or from the Public laundry facility. So years went by and about 5 yrs ago our marriage became very strained, his mother passed away then my husband became very ill, and all of a sudden during that time it came back to me and I couldn't let it go, finally after several months during his illness he confessed. I had a hard time believing it was the only time, plus I had a hard time believing I had a good marriage all those years but yet Ifelt like maybe I didn't know my husband. Like you have brought up the infidelity and not to "talk" about it but I have used it as a weapon against him I feel like he isn't being sensitive to my feeling and insecurities, I have thrown back at him that he's caused all my insecurities. But I've gotten better and I have been really working on my relationship with the Lord and I have gotten way better and putting everything in the Lords hands. I do fail at times and it's usually when I feel my husband doesn't understand my feelings, but I've been trying to not let them seen and just take the to God. Trust is something that is hard, especially because my husband is a very friendly guy, he likes to help people and know that he can help, that's who he is that's something I fell in love with. However another side of me thinks his friendliness got him into trouble. I just pray that he will be able to know when not to cross the line, that's why this phone voice trying to determine wht is flirtatious and what's not is hard. I think my mind wanders forsure but I know in the past my husband has in my opinion crossed the line on the phone, maybe to some he didn't but after infidelity I think he did, he would talk to his friends wife if he wasn't home she would just strike up any and all conversation and he would talk with her for half hour sometimes not about personal stuff and I dont' believe he liked her but I think after someone is unfaithful those things just shouldnt happen he should keep himself from entering anything that could become more, but I didn't know he was unfaithful at the time and I didn't know he was having excessive conversations with her either, so getting to the phone thing I think that's what bothers me is that his friendliness leads to other things, I have come a long ways though and I honestly think for me I will always struggle with what he did and trust, some say that means I havne't forgiven him but I think I finally have since I dont' use it as a weapon anymore and I don't bring it up anymore, haven't for a little while, but I think trust will always be something I struggle with because he is a friendly guy, I don't think he's friendly like flirtatious (well not that I know of, see theres those doubts) but his willingness to help I guess is what led to his infidelity and I just fear he wont know when to stop or someone else will take it the wrong way . Your're right talking about it with others who have experienced it really helps especially for me I don't have anyone around close to me that I can talk to, I have a friend I email daily that helps but we don't live nearby. So getting it out here and in praying and not bringing up this stuff to my husband helps. I know with the Lord we can do this and I know some day we will be rewarded for our staying in the marriage.

[D.L.]

stilltrying-it seems like we both feel a little confused about whether we have really forgiven our husbands. I think I feel confused about whether feeling insecure and not completely trusting him is an indication that I haven't forgiven him. Maybe it is 2 different things. I read somewhere that forgiveness is not forgetting but remembering without resentment. I don't know that I will ever get past resenting what happen.
If I understand right you don't really think anything is going on with your husband but you are afraid that his friendliness will lead to something. You know him well enough to hear the difference in his voice when he is on the phone so I don't think you are just conjuring up things to worry about. But even if he is being a little too friendly and even flirty that doesn't mean he is going to do anything. I will start praying that God would somehow help him to understand how this specific thing makes you feel insecure and that he would be considerate of that when he talks to other women on the phone. I don't know about you but I desire to reassured by my husband but I am learning that God is the one I have to turn to for that reassurance. I guess all we can do is pray for God to put a hedge about our husband's & our marriage.