Growthtrac Community

[wisfhful_38]

I really did not know what should I start with first in what topic but I Have been married for 20 years this last March 3. I am 38 and he is 42. We have two children ages 16 (son) and 18 (daughter). We have always been able to talk and felt that each other was our soul mate. On March 24 I had gallbladder surgery after trying to get it done for 2 years. My husband two days after my surgery had a chance in counter with someone apparently that does sexual acts for money. He took the lady up on her offer while at a gas station for oral sex. He said that he doesn't know why he did it and that he thought he would NEVER be that type of man to do that he was raised better than that.

His father was a minister and mother also loved the church. He has no brothers but 3 older sisters. Point is he did it and although through experience with the opposite sex(man) I have just learned not to trust completely but over the years I felt like out of 100% maybe a 1% chance he would cheat. It kills me that he did this.
He tells me that although he attempted to this he could not get excited and ask her to stop. He says cause he felt so guilty. I feel he would not of told me had it not been fear for my health and our kids health along with me asking if I had something to worry about. ONLY after a 3 hour discussion did he admit that he had done something. Now we are going to have to be tested for STDs. I am a BIG believer in telling the truth. So I told him I would stay and try to work it out with him.
I do love him even though he has done this and sometimes I feel that maybe he isn't telling the whole truth. If not it is a good chance that if he has not told me the whole truth that this is a total deal breaker for me to want to stay with him.

He told me he would do ANYTHING to make it up to me and make it work out between us that he want to stay with me. I have already set up with a counselor but still trying to figure out with his work schedule how he is going to get the test done. I would rather that he get the test done first before going to counselor.
I told him that I would go with him and wanted to be present at all things to ensure he does not lie to the doctor as he just previously did. I also want to see the test results. He had sexual relations with me about two weeks after he had not been faithful and def as put me at risk and the thought that I had just had a surgery made me even madder.

I bought a punching bag and gloves to take my anger out since driving down the road and was beating my fist on the roof of my vehicle heading to my doctors appointment for a checkup from surgery and to get it all setup for my test for STD's.

I have had so many emotions its unreal. I cant believe he has done this and it just happened as he says. We have always had a very loving marriage as well as very happy life in our own time together. But most important we have always been able to communicate or figure out how to when we couldn't at times.


Wish this had never happened and where do we go from here. Even though he has done what he has he is the love of my life but I DO NOT want to be taken for a FOOL either.

wishful_38

[km]

There are a number of good people here who've been in your place. They'll provide some good counsel. Hang in there!

[charity1]

wishful_38,
I am so sorry you are going through this. I understand how deeply you are hurt. You feel like you are going to die and probably wouldn't really care if you did, but please know that things will eventually get better. Just hang in there. Take things one minute at a time, that is all you will be able to handle for quite a while. Know that God is right there with you even if He doesn't feel like it right now. Follow through with the testing and the counseling. In the meantime start studying Psalms and Proverbs and pray. Pray that God will give you some peace. You can't survive this alone, you can only do it with God's help. I am praying for you, and we are all here for you.

[wisfhful_38]

Thank you for your support first and foremost. We have been talking alot here lately and he keeps says well its nice that we are talking more. We use to talk alot but I have not had alot of heart to hearts with him because he just seemed like he did not have the time. And I am always the one that would start any just talking to each other about how we feel about stuff.

Sometimes he would just clam up and just not want to talk. So if it is the fact that he wanted to to maybe he needs to work on how to talk. He talks much more than any person I have had a relationship with.

I think I am over the fact about the act but not the lying about it and the fact that he did it. My main not understand is WHY?
I am a very forgiven person and I think I can work through all this but I just want to understand why so we can fix the issue and let it NEVER happen again. All my friends tell me don't feel sorry for him.

But the fact of the matter I do if he really means what he said about he was truly sorry it happened. I don't like to see him in pain physical or emotional.
He told me that he realized how much I do love him and how much it hurt me and he never wants to hurt me again.And the fact of how much he loves me as well.

I had a very rough childhood and he does not remember his alot. Although his sister found out later that they had remembered they had some rough childhood also.
He tells me he is not using that as excuse but he doesnt know if something from his childhood that is hendering a growth in our relationship.

We also lost a dear close friend on May 12th last year.

I told my husband I do not hate him. I tell everyone I dont think there is anyone I have hated just hate the things they do.

I know no one is perfect and god only puts you through only what you can handle. He never gives you more than you can handle.

[charity1]

wishful_38,
"Why" is what we all want to know (and "how?"). Our conclusion on this forum is that "you can't make sense out of nonsense". Your situation sounds alot like mine in that we married young and our husbands came from strong Christian backgrounds. I wonder if maybe deep down our husbands weren't sowing some wild oats now because they never did when they were young (or at least mine didn't). I personally think it is because they are getting older and are trying to feel good about themselves. The opportunity arises and they think nobody will ever know, but they don't count on the guilt and shame eating them alive. They hear other guys talking all the time about how they cheat and don't think anything about, but that can't happen when you are a Christian. A Christian knows better. Once you know right from wrong, you can't pretend that you don't for long.

I understand your feeling sorry for your husband. It sounds crazy, but you know they aren't that type person, they just got involved in something really stupid. Once they come to their senses, there is no going back or undoing what they have done, they just have to live with it. I can't imagine having to live with that kind of guilt and shame.

I also totally understand what you mean about the lying being the worst part of all. This is the person you trusted the most in the world, yet he is lying like a dog, and you don't know if you can believe a word he says anymore. It's like he has become a total stranger! What you have to finally come to understand is that he felt like he had to. He didn't want to lose you, and after he came to his senses, he realized that was a real possibility. That doesn't make it ok, but just imagine how scared he had to be! Can you imagine admitting to him that you had done something like that??

My husband, like yours, seemed amazed at how much I love him and how much he hurt me (HELLO!!). There is no doubt that after years of marriage, a couple tends to take each other for granted. Sometimes I think they are just looking for some excitement. I don't know about yours, but mine got way more than he bargained for!! I'm glad your husband is remorseful, and you are forgiving. You two can definitely make it with that combination. You both need to open up and talk about any problems or resentments in your marriage so that you can make your marriage better, but be ready for the fact that he may not even know himself why he did what he did. There are all kinds of excuses, but the bottom line is, there is no real reason. They just went temporarily insane. Nothing else really makes sense.

[wisfhful_38]

Yeah I think you hit it exactly what I was thinking happened. Although he has had many encounters before we were married. He was also married once before.

This is my first and last marriage and I really don't intend to end this one either. My husband just got a home from work a little bit ago and stuffed a letter into my pocket before he had to head out to a meeting for work with the big wigs. It said I took you for granted and have def been thinking of the vows we took and that it really made him realize what a idiot he was.

He calls me all the time and I do not want him to feel like he has to check in with me all the time. I know and understand that it can happen no matter what it just the fact that I have to trust that he knows there will not be a next time.

I was very surprised at how well I did take the news when he finally told me. I was not screaming,uncontrollable crying or anything like that. I was pretty calm. I was in shock I am guessing because even after he had admitted to it I still asked him three more times if he was serious. Before I even broke down a bit.

The kids know something is not right at all and daughter already has figured it out. We def have made a point not to try to talk around them were they may hear,but daughter is very upset with her dad and feels there is no excuse is what she says if he did that mom.
I do not want them to feel that he is less than a dad just because he made a mistake. He loves them both with every ounce of his heart I know that.

Counselor called today and told me they have a opening for us tomorrow at 3:30 pm don't know right now with my uncle dying in a car wreck yesterday and the fact that I already have doc's appointment for Wed. for testing if we can afford the visit this week.

I know we need to go I think going would help both of us a lot right now. He is planning on going to the Doc with me for the testing. The female thing is very very traumatic for me and especially under this type of situation. So I really need someone to be with me. My mom was suppose to go but the fact that our Uncle died she might not can go. My Counselor says that I keep feeling like I am being violated every time I do this. My doctor is aware of it though since I told her just recently and was very gentle and understand last visit.

I am SCARED bad. Thanks for all the encouragement about my husband. I really think it will be ok. Just gonna take some time for me and him.

Thanks SO much.

[SAM]

Glad to have you with us at Gt community. So sorry it is under these circumstances.

Do whatever you can to keep the counseling appointments. It has to become your first priority.
Healing will be very difficult without it.

From what you write, it sounds like your husband is very remourseful and willing to do anything to
make this up to you. That is a very good sign.

I'm reading a book this week that I came across by Dave Carder called Close Calls. (Highly recommend
it). He also wrote Torn Asunder. He says that most people he has spoken to in over thirty years of counseling thought they were immune to infidelity and never thought they would even come close. I have another recommendation
for you called Shattered Vows by Debra Laaser.

I think you mention that you lost someone close to you last May and then you went through surgery.
Many times stress and grief can trigger a behavior that has never been a part of someone's makeup.

A counselor will help your husband recognize what got him to this place. There are things in our background
that contribute to these decisions.

I'm praying for you and your marriage.