Growthtrac Community

[Aleria]

I have been married for a couple of months, I got married a virgin and had all these wonderful thoughts of how our marriage was going to be. I loved my husband completely and I guess naively. Shortly after we got married he just had no time for me anymore I tried addressing the issue and he just was not interested. Then I noticed that of late he spent a lot of time texting and I was so hurt I mean I practically begged him to send me a message during the day but he always claimed to be so busy that i had given up. Tried the romance tip and craved it so much that I tried to broach that too but again he wasnt interested even went as far as telling me that I was unrealistic coz I had been brainwashed by movies and romance novels. Slowly i was dying inside and he was refusing to hear me. Then came breaking point and I gave in to a colleague's advances. I will not excuse my behavoir because it was wrong. It started with the calling and attention it made me feel so alive again and cherished grateful I guess that someone had noticed me.

The friendship progressed behind my husband's back and I was not bothered any more by his aloofness toward me. This went on for a couple of months we were barely speaking with my husband by now. and then all of a sudden my husband told me that it was not proper for us to maintain friendships with people of the opposite sex. . He said he would stop talking to all the women he had been texting and I said that was his choice. I admit I was bitter towards him.

Eventually he found out about my colleague by going through my phone and mesages, and I and we had a big blow up about it. I told him I had not slept with my colleague and it was the truth but he couldnt forgive me for the friendship as he said I had cheated on him emotionally. Terrible times followed and I tried to cut links with my colleague and not talk or spend as much time. Things were going well thn out of the blue a month letter my husband again accused me of cheating with my colleague he sent me an email detailing exactly what he thought of me and I was gutted because I had honestly given this my all. We never discussed the email to this day.

We have never recovered and I just got tired. I ended up resuming the friendship and we slept together only once, I regretted it because I hurt God and our relationship. This is not how I used to be. I've asked God to forgive me. My husband does not know and is so aloof anyway I dont think he's noticed. I vowed never to do it again and I have not. But I get so tempted guess in my need for affection sometimes we kiss with my colleague but its so rare he's always trying but most of the time im able to resist just in my weak moments its happens. My husband only notices me when he wants sex which is almost everyday i basically cant say no to him as he tells me that God said we should not deny the other. Even when im tired he wont let it go. Even when im sleeping he will start at me. I fight everyday the feeling of resentment guess these are the punishments of infidelty. But I dont want to be in this not when its like this I've tried talking to him but that seems not to work. Help me please someone

[km]

There are a lot of good people here - many have gone through infidelity issues.

I'm sure some of them will be chiming in here soon (although it is Tax Day, so some may be a little tied up today - and we've had some problems with cyber attacks hee that have left a number of regulars shut out or limited as to where they can access from - so some patience may be needed).

Hang in there.

[greenwidow]

I ended up resuming the friendship and we slept together only once, I regretted it because I hurt God and our relationship. ... But I get so tempted guess in my need for affection sometimes we kiss with my colleague but its so rare he's always trying but most of the time im able to resist just in my weak moments its happens. My husband only notices me when he wants sex which is almost everyday i basically cant say no to him as he tells me that God said we should not deny the other. Even when im tired he wont let it go. Even when im sleeping he will start at me. I fight everyday the feeling of resentment guess these are the p

Aleria, you don't mention where the two of you are in your walk with Christ. It's about more than being a virgin walking into marriage, although that's an admirable quality. You have every right to be romantic, but only with your husband. The Song of Solomon is one of the frankest books ever written on the subject and there it is in the Bible. This morning I heard someone say that the last day of your marriage is more important than the first. The last day of your marriage will either be a testament to a Godly walk together or it will be a day of devastation and heartbreak.

You may have only been with someone, physically, once, but you have been with them emotionally for a long time and repeatedly. Jesus said, "Matthew 5:28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." He also said, in Matthew 19 that Moses permitted divorce, because our hearts were hard. Divorce is permitted in cases of unfaithfulness, but not required.

So, now you must confess and it won't be easy. Your husband doesn't seem to be very mature in Christ either. I would suggest that you go and find some counseling for yourself immediately and then find the strength to let your husband know what has happened. Expect the worst and pray for grace.

This is not the way that marriage is supposed to be. Marriage is a reflection of the covenant that Christ has with the church. Your husband is to be your lover and his body belongs to you and you are to be his lover and your body belongs to him. (Song of Solomon 6:3) The two become one. He is to love you the way that Christ loved the church, (Ephesians 5:25) which is to say that he is willing to die for you to protect you from all things and you are to love and cherish him to the point of submitting to his leadership, love, and protection (Ephesians 5:24). This is in the same way that the Christian submits to the will of God.

You have spent a lot of words justifying what happened and giving background material. It doesn't matter. The coldness in your marriage comes from the distance you are away from the warmness of God's love. Work on understanding your relationship with God and your relationship with your husband may heal.

[charity1]

Aleria,

This is not the way that marriage is supposed to be. Marriage is a reflection of the covenant that Christ has with the church. Your husband is to be your lover and his body belongs to you and you are to be his lover and your body belongs to him. (Song of Solomon 6:3) The two become one. He is to love you the way that Christ loved the church, (Ephesians 5:25) which is to say that he is willing to die for you to protect you from all things and you are to love and cherish him to the point of submitting to his leadership, love, and protection (Ephesians 5:24). This is in the same way that the Christian submits to the will of God.

One thing I would like to add to what Greenwidow has told you is that your love and submission should not be dependent on what your husband does or doesn't do, and his shouldn't depend on what you do or don't do. You are each accountable to God for your own actions and attitudes.

As far as the physical relationship goes, it is not uncommon for the sexual appetites of a couple to be out of balance. You really just need to discuss this with your husband and let him know that you want to be there for him physically, but he also needs to show you affection and attention outside the bedroom. This is something a lot of husbands don't get. Explain to him that the more affection he shows you outside the bedroom, the more affectionate you will be able to be in the bedroom, but there again, that doesn't mean that if he doesn't listen to you that you don't have to be there for him. Just try to think of the physical relationship as a blessing from God, and remember that God gave you to each other for this purpose. Just as you were tempted to go outside your relationship for affection, your husband could be as well. Each of you has a different definition of what affection is. It is very important for you two to be there for each other. There is no room for a third party in a marriage. Stay away from your colleague. Your attitude makes a huge difference in this part of the relationship. If resentment starts to build in this area, it destroys the intimacy between you in general. As Greenwidow has emphasized, this will all depend on your relationship with God. The warmer your relationship with God, the warmer your relationship with your spouse.

[km]

To add to the above -
ASSUMING that your partner is a person of basic good will/decency toward you, the more you meet your partner's deep needs, teh more inclined/open/able your partner will be to meet yours. The more you pull away and starve your partner's needs, the more your partner will pull away from you.