Growthtrac Community

[dwk]

No other men in the group, no. I have a few friends that I talk with in our LifeGroup at church, and my Dad and sister are there for me alot!

[SAM]

One concern for you being in a group composed entirely of other women who are hurting places -
Your intentions and motives may be completely pure. However, theirs may not be when it comes to interaction with you. Pray for your discernment radar to be on full alert and for your heart to be protected while in these meetings.

[rdsmith3]

... I have also consulted with an attorney recently; just wanted to know whats involved IF she decides to file...

I pray that it never gets to divorce. If it does, though, keep in mind that there are many attorneys who do divorces, but not many who do them well. With my divorce, I had to fire my first attorney. He was incompetent. My second one was very good, but very expensive. It's best to get recommendations from other people on who the good attorneys in your area are.

[dwk]

I pray MULTIPLE times DAILY that God will work things in her life to bring her back into a dependance on Him. But I will be honest.... it looks bleak from my human perspective. We have almost nothing to "fight" over; no real assets, other than some household items and 2 dirt bikes, just debts. My daughter does NOT want to live with her at all. She is strong in her faith and is almost 16 years old. She has alot of say in where she will live if it comes to that.

[dwk]

...and regarding the group; My radar is on MAX! NO relationships for me other than my wife and Jesus Christ!!! He fills the hole inside just fine!

[rdsmith3]

...and regarding the group; My radar is on MAX! NO relationships for me other than my wife and Jesus Christ!!! He fills the hole inside just fine!

Yes, I was going to mention that, too, at some point.

Actually, you need some guy friends to rely on at this point in your life. There are times you will need to vent; times you will want to get out and do something just to take your mind off of things; times you will want a sounding board because you cannot trust that you are thinking clearly.

Back on the attorney, you may think that there is not much to decide, but you would be surprised. In my case, I had a liberal female judge who was initially sympathetic to my wife despite the fact that she had been arrested for endangering the welfare of the children (and later convicted), and I had a restraining order. I had 100% custody of the kids, and had to pay for some help with them. Despite all that, at the initial hearing, the judge ordered me to pay an outrageous amount of temporary alimony to her each month, with no child support coming from her (the poor thing was not working, so how could she possibly pay me child support, opined the judge).

[resecured]

I can't remember how many children you do have but was wondering how they were doing. Have they talked with their mom on any level about what is happening?

Will continue to pray for you and your family.

-RJ-

[dwk]

I have a 19-year old son in college, and a 16-year old daughter here at home with me. Son and my sister "cornered" her back in June, lovingly of course.... to no avail. Daughter sees her her regularly.... she picks her up from school most of the time since I cannot. Do either of them REALLY talk with her? No.... wife cannot deal with "feeling guilty".... kids have stated that they "don't want to get involved".... I kinda don't blame them. It's sad for them to see their mom throw away a marriage, a relationship with God, her life.... I and they believe the best thing is to leave her alone and continue to pray for her. God has given us all free will. She has been confronted by a few of us and is non-responsive to it. Let God deal with her in His time and in His way.

[dwk]

Today I heard from a mutual friend of mine and my wifes that, "He is no longer willing to fight for me" and "I have fallen out of love with him". Those were quotes the friend told me that she said a few days ago. This is where I stand: If I have to "fight" for her, or there is some kind of competition, what kind of a marriage is that????? You either want to be with me and to obey God or you do not!!! And WHO or WHAT do I need to fight??? It is the powers of the evil one, I guess, which I battle DAILY! On my knees in prayer! Marriage is a free-will decision to join, and to leave. I should not have to "fight" or "beg" or "plead" someone to follow Gods will and stay in the marriage!!! Your fear of God Almighty should be first and foremost, and the covenant you made before Him with your wedding vows should be next! Am I on the right track here? I sure think so.... thoughts and opinions from y'all always appreciated....

[FaithHopeJoy]

dwk, you did say that our thoughts and opinions would be appreciated! So ... I'm going to respectfully disagree with your premise that

I should not have to "fight" or "beg" or "plead" someone to follow Gods will and stay in the marriage!!!

Satan is feeding you the line that you shouldn't fight for your marriage. He wants you to give up and admit you can't win over your wife. But check what the dictionary says about fighting:

attempt to defeat, subdue or destroy an adversary; contend for what you believe; strive vigorously for or against something. A physical struggle for victory; a battle; a strenuous effort to overcome something.

Then, more importantly, refer to God's wisdom on the subject of fighting:

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Ephesians 6:10-12

"For though we live in the world, we do no wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:3-5

This is not about fighting with or against your wife - it's about fighting FOR your marriage and fighting AGAINST Satan's evil scheme to break it apart. In a previous post you wisely reflected that:

I believe the best thing is to continue to pray for her.

Absolutely - and in praying, you are fighting - as a prayer warrior.

God bless and strengthen you for the battle

FHJ

[dwk]

I do pray for her DAILY... And by my prayers, I AM FIGHTING! But I do not believe that I should be calling/begging/pleading with her.... I think she believes I should be. I have already tried some of that in the beginning.... she blew it off.... so I continue to pray for her and when we do see each other/talk to each other, I am calm, rational and secure in my stance; loving, yet assured in my siding with God on all of this.

Thanx FHJ!!!

[sedwards19]

If I may ask, who is bringing up the word "DIVORCE"? Is it your wife, or is it you? Take a step back. If it is you, then you may be putting the idea in her head. I will tell you a personal story about myself. My marriage was going great and I loved my wife dearly and we have 4 beautiful children. I wanted for nothing. She was the consummate, biblical wife. I got greedy and fell to the flirtations of a young woman at work. I committed adultery against my wife and it completely crushed her. How could I do this to the woman who I chose to spend the rest of my life with? Long story short, when she wouldn't talk to me or was withdrawn, (which, in the grieving process, these are commonplace), I would ask if she wanted a divorce. After a while, I noticed that she would bring it up as well. I noticed once I stopped talking about divorce, so did she.
Speaking from a man's point of view, women tend to hold in their true feelings as days, months, and years go on. It might be that she feels overwhelmed with other peoples' problems. Some people take on other's problems as their own and also feel the emotion that goes along with it. We have become a society that gives up way too easily. If I may say, there was a person before any of us who went through a lot more hell, both physical and emotional, then we could ever even imagine. Hang in there. It will work out.

[SAM]

Maybe it's time to meet up with her for coffee. Let her know that you still love her and long to be married to her.
Ask her if you can you start pursuing her again (dating)?

She is basing her feelings on the notion that you should be her Knight in Shining Armor. Is she waiting to be rescued? Does she want you to fight for her like another man might be fighting for her? Who's going to win? What does she think it would take for you to win her heart again?

If she's basing her whole marriage on her "in love" or "out of love" feelings, then it is not something she considers a lifetime commitment, but a make believe romance movie. Feelings ebb and flow and change. A lifetime commitment is a choice.

By praying and standing firm, you are fighting for her. You're fighting the battle against Satan. However, every book and psychologist out there will tell you to not go pleading and begging for your spouse to return. Usually, it turns them away.
If you see her, you can tell her how much you would love to have her home and in your arms again, but that has to be her choice to return... and to go to counseling with you. If she's unwilling, it's her choice. The battle is hers.

Continue to pray for her.

[dwk]

To sedwards19; if you read all thru this topic from its inception, you would see that I do NOT want a divorce and i have told her that numerous times. I am not the one who moved out. I am not the one running from God and His commandments. I am not the one who has "planted a bomb" under the family.

To SAM; I just told her the other day on the phone that I love her very much, and do not want a divorce AGAIN as she was telling me how much money she thinks I would owe her when she divorces me! I have invited her many times now to come over and talk.... she has said "sometime soon" a few times now.

I do NOT feel I should pursue her until she is on track to doing the right thing from Gods perspective and I have told her that as well. Have also been advised that way by 2 different church counselors.

[SAM]

Then my guess would be that by telling this "friend" how she feells about you, either she genuinely feels this way, or she is playing games to gain sympathy. She could also be very surprised by the fact that you are not pursuing her, which may be the best advice two of the counselors have provided you.