Growthtrac Community

[veggiemelt]

dw - how's it going?

[dwk]

Its going.... she texted me friday afternoon.... "going to BF's house... won't be home this weekend" Thats what I expect from her now. She doesn't want to be around ME. But our kids (18 and 15) are pretty ticked off at her irresponsibility. I have told them we need to love her unconditionally as God love us no matter what we do (parable of the Prodigal Son comes to mind...) so I don't argue or giver her any guilt.... I just say "OK, see you later, love you".

[km]

I may disagree here as to what "unconditional love" means.

It is not a dictate to be a doormat. It isn't direction to love away and not require any turning from bad conduct. It isn't something that allows ongoing active bad behavior with no negative consequences.

Loving away without there being any consequences for bad behavior is your agreement/approval as to the continuation of the bad conduct.

[dwk]

I agree on "not being a doormat", but I DO believe that veggiemelt has some very important points on the fact that she may be a bit emotionally "challenged" by peri-menopause or the like. I will not allow her to take any advantage at this stage and will not be supporting her financially in any way or helping move out/equipping her for a move out either. She does come and go as she chooses.... she has her free will; I choose to stay at home and care for the kids and continue with life and growing my relationship with my Savior I believe that prayer is my most powerful weapon at this point, along with some tough love.

[dwk]

She has now begun to sleep in our daughters room (when daughter is staying the night at friends house). Doesn't want to be around me, I guess... She was gone all weekend from Friday afternoon thru Sunday night. Have been feeling kinda "numb" to all of it lately... even felt kind of angry for part of a day, but that passed. Both kids now know and are VERY disappointed and angry with her. Even some non-christian friends have condemned what she is doing. I pray alot... for strength, for God to watch over her and get ahold of her again.

[veggiemelt]

dw - I am sorry for you that this is happening. Is there any way that you can convince her to see a doctor? Is sounds pretty serious, maybe more then anyone can guess. Can one of your kids get through to her?

[dwk]

My son and sister (together) talked with her one day a week or so ago. My sister and her have been pretty close since our sons are within 4 months of each other. She was sad and expressed her pain and feelings to them, but overall they were not able to persuade her in any direction except the one she is going. She seems to believe that leaving and being on her own, away from me and our life here is what she has to do. She has 2 "friends" which, IMHO, are poisonous to her in this situation. Her father is also going to aid monetarily in her move. He is completely agnostic and ignorant. She is not interested in my recommendations or advice... never really has been. PrayerPrayerPrayerPrayerPrayer!!!!! Bind the power of satan against my wife Lord Jesus!!!! It truly IS in Gods hands.

[dwk]

My wife began packing some stuff Monday. It was kinda hard to be there, but I helped a little. We divided up some dishes, silverware, kitchen stuff, Towels and basics...thats all.

[SAM]

DWK - praying for you and your wife. I am so sorry she is moving forward with his decision.

[dwk]

Thankyou for your prayers. I SO appreciate them! God has SO used this to bring me back close to Him and made me rely on Him. I am actually grateful and humbled by it all. I pray for her daily and believe He will work all of this for His glory, whether we are together or apart!!! I will keep u all posted as things move in whatever direction God intends them. I am no longer "Completely lost..." Thankyou! Especially to veggiemelt who has been tough, yet caring in this. I needed that..... clear, concise communication that my wife has not been interested in doing for quite a long time. If you read the article on this site that includes "The Crazy Cycle"...that is her and I. No primary fault, just both of us sweeping little infractions under the rug. Combined with her peri-menopause symptoms, it is deadly to the marriage. But God has His own ways of working things out. Love you guys/gals! Be back soon!

[SAM]

I am sure it is everyone's pleasure to help you with whatever little snippets of insight we may be able to send your way.

Yes, the "crazy cycle" happens to many couples. (Love and Respect is an awesome book BTW.)

I hope and pray you are able to give her the time and patience to find herself. I know there is a limit to what any one spouse can hold out and wait for, especially when a spouse makes a decision to leave and walk away. However, God is capable of providing during these times of uncertainty. I pray that you are given strength and wisdom from God to figure this all out. That you are able to stand up and be strong if and when she decides she wants to come home. There would need to be some serious counseling behind you, before she comes home, to figure out her desire to desert you in the first place.

I want to assure you that God is not okay with your wife leaving. He never wants to see a marriage come to this place and I struggle with believing he would put the circumstances together that would make it okay for your wife to leave. The reason for that is, it goes completely against what scripture tells a spouse (wife) to do. It is your wife's choice to walk away, and I don't believe it to be God's plan for your marriage, or that he orchestrated this. The circumstances really have to do with sin and selfishness, a personal desire to find herself and "be happy". God doesn't want her to do these things to the detriment of a marriage or children. When someone wants to find themselves and be happy... they are struggling with the past and their intimacy with God. It is a choice to walk away and find a place to hide; where they think the condition of their heart cannot be seen.

[dwk]

I could not have said that ANY better.... you have "read my mind", so to speak! I already have a letter/speech ready for the day she will leave encompassing virtually all that you stated. I am not going to allow her back in (either my home or my heart) without her being back on track with God and committed to at least a few months of regular counseling, first on her own, then together, if it ever happens.... totally up to God! Thanks again!

[veggiemelt]

DW - sometimes in the midst of personal crisis we wonder why this is happening to us and I am certain that you are wondering that now. But, you have already seen the answer, it is because we grow and learn in the experience and at some point in our lives, if we are lucky and if we allow God to use us - we get the extraordinary opportunity to help another in need. It has been my pleasure and my blessing to share with you what I have learned through my own trials and in time, God will use this experience for you to do the same.

I am glad that you read "The Crazy Cycle", it is a very well written piece on this hardship in marriage. The thing that you need to remember, and I believe that you do - is that your wife is in deed confused and lost. Sam has said it well, that anytime we go searching for "happiness" there is something selfish in that. And there is, but she most likely cannot really identify that in herself right now. So, forgiveness, understanding, compassion and prayer is your best support for her and a saving grace for you.

When women come to a point in our lives where we "lose ourselves", it takes time to work it all out inside. Is that a sin? I don't know the answer to that, maybe it is. But the time is more difficult for some then for others and there is really no way of knowing what is going on inside of her. Honestly, she probably doesn't even know. It is wrong for her to leave you, but in the midst of confusion, it is easy to make choices that are not right by God or by man. That is not an excuse, but it is a very trying reason. Faith and God grace can help her, but in truth she may need medical attention as well if there is something physically that is altering her mindset. Counseling is always a very good option, unfortunately it is not always a choice that is made. But even without it, support can help her through in time.

I do not know what your marriage was like for the past twenty years, but I can imagine that you have had many trials, most of us endure that over the years. Women however, tend to hang on to those trials and take them to heart, they do not immediately leave our mind, we have difficulty releasing the pain and it tends to just build over time until there is a breaking point in us. Unfortunately often times that breaking point is peri-menopause or menopause or empty nest. It is a point where everything just seems to start spilling out and sometimes it is hard to stop it. She might have twenty plus years built up inside and if she does, she has a lot to sort out. That is not easy, especially when she may have other issues beyond her control that are complicating her emotional state - like hormone imbalance, which just makes it that much harder for her to reason logically, or to see her own mistakes right now.

As hard as it is DW, you are doing the right thing in showing patience and understanding with her. Telling her that you don't want her to go, but letting her have some space - that is an act of love and I promise you she will remember it.
Right now, she is probably really stuck on whatever is eating away inside of her and she may have a fair amount of resentment toward you that is keeping her heart closed to you, but in time those things will fade and what she will remember and what will become foremost in her mind, is how you treated her right now in the most difficult part of her life. And this is what in the end can show her what you are really made of. The fact that you faith is growing in all of this can help her as well, but for now it could also be a part of what is making her pull farther away. If her own faith is weak, she could be afraid to face God right now and so she is pushing him and anything that reminds her of that away. She could in fact be fighting God in what he may be telling her, but that is battle she will have to figure out on her own.

DW I pray for you and your wife that God will help you both find resolution and peace somehow. If you become a stronger man and grow in your faith through this trial - then God will bless you somewhere in your life by this difficult and heartbreaking experience. You have been a blessing to me as well.
In Christian love, I wish you peace. Veggiemelt

[dwk]

Thankyou Veggie! I hope and pray you are right, and that God willing, we will be restored/reconciled someday.

[ziadelsol]

DWK,
I am praying for you and your family.
My situation is similar and in what you have described with your wife I see so much of in my wife along with some of the same answers.
FYI my wife just had her 42nd birthday yesterday.. kind of hard not being there for her especially since we did not talk long when she accepted my phone call.. Normally she ignores it when she see's my work number or the house number. We only talked for 5 minutes before she said she had to go eat breakfast and after that nothing from her since that time.