Growthtrac Community

[DLW52]

Has she made any type of statements, direct or implied that she wants a divorce ?

[dwk]

She bought a book before she moved out called "contemplating divorce", she has said that "thats what she wants to work towards", she told a neighbor "i'm done...we're getting a divorce", I found out recently that as much as 1.5 years ago, she told a friend that "I'm thinking of leaving him", So I guess the answer to that would be Yes.

[DLW52]

She bought a book before she moved out called "contemplating divorce", she has said that "thats what she wants to work towards", she told a neighbor "i'm done...we're getting a divorce", I found out recently that as much as 1.5 years ago, she told a friend that "I'm thinking of leaving him", So I guess the answer to that would be Yes.

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With that said do you still feel in your heart there is some slither of hope for a reconciliation ? Ive been divorced for a year now and I can tell you first hand divorce is nothing you actively "work toward". You "work toward" marriage-"oness". With divorce one person just files the papers, the other signs, try to amicably resolve any division of property and custody (if applic) issues and one person moves out. Needless to say there is also the drama before the divorce is finalized that is much worse than any marital problem you had. My ex tried that "lets discuss divorce nonsense after she filed and I wasnt having it. Like one of the posters said it best either you are 100% in or 100% out ! No middle ground.
Atleast yours wants to discuss the matter before hand and that still leaves some measure of hope for you guys. I think if she was as adamant as she claims you would have been served papers by now.

I can tell you really want to hold on, problem is she is ready to let go-so it seems. At this point only GOD can sway her decision to truely come back and reconcile. Nothing you can say to her or do for her will not matter, unfortunately. What you can do is continue to love her anyway and GOD will honor and bless you for that.

Also there is a great website you can bookmark as a reference, should you need it: www.DivorceCare.org They have excellent online resources for those experiencing separation or who have gone through a divorce. Its all christian based and you also find support groups near your locale based on zip code. Im currently attending a 13 week program now. Its only been 4 weeks, but I have benefitted mightly from this program. We have people who are separated and divorced in my group and has become like an extended family of sorts. Its important for you to have some kind of support system during this trying time.

[SAM]

And something to hang your hat on... is prayer. Pray for God to work in your life and that of your spouse, or ex-spouse.
There is always hope of reconciliation if neither of you remarries. I have seen this hope revealed on both hands and counting for many couples. There is always that question hanging out there, "will you take me back?" The answer is, "Of course, but we have a lot of work to do together before that happens." Sometimes there is this overwhelming joy that they want to come back that the immediate answer is "yes", move back home tomorrow and we'll have our marriage back. Problem is, the issues that were there to begin with - never get deal with. They get swept under the rug again.

So, take a step back, take a deep breath... and say, "you are more than welcome to come home, after we've spent 6 months in counseling." At that time, you will then know if they are committed to the relationship, or looking for something else.

[DLW52]

And something to hang your hat on... is prayer. Pray for God to work in your life and that of your spouse, or ex-spouse.
There is always hope of reconciliation if neither of you remarries. I have seen this hope revealed on both hands and counting for many couples. There is always that question hanging out there, "will you take me back?" The answer is, "Of course, but we have a lot of work to do together before that happens." Sometimes there is this overwhelming joy that they want to come back that the immediate answer is "yes", move back home tomorrow and we'll have our marriage back. Problem is, the issues that were there to begin with - never get deal with. They get swept under the rug again.

So, take a step back, take a deep breath... and say, "you are more than welcome to come home, after we've spent 6 months in counseling." At that time, you will then know if they are committed to the relationship, or looking for something else.

Great points

[dwk]

I am the one in all of this that has tried to work on things, verbalize my commitment, be loving and tough at the same time, take care of and provide for the kids, deal with all of our financial losses, etc. Do I see a sliver of hope....ALWAYS! With God, ANYTHING is possible! Do I see it in her? Not right now..... hence my method of operation.... I don't call her unless there's business; when we do happen to see each other, I am always nice to her; I have told her that I will not be "pursuing" her until she is willing to pursue her relationship with God and me again; I have told her that I will NOT pay a penny towards a divorce and that if she decides to be unfaithful (which is possible that she has), that she may as well go ahead with a divorce. But in all of this, I have regularly told her how VERY much I love her and how I wish she had expressed her feelings to me years ago. She says virtually nothing of any feeling to me anymore.... hasn't since around Mothers Day this year. Look up "walk-away wife" at Divorce Busters and you can get a (secular) picture of almost exactly what I have gone thru. I am also committed to taking her back AFTER counseling, recognition, repentance, and a sincere desire to obey and follow Jesus! Thanx for the continued prayers! I FEEL THEM! I have become so much stronger emotionally and spiritually thanks to all who have prayed! I LOVE YOU ALL!!! AND I PRAY FOR ALL OF YOU TOO!!

[DLW52]

I am the one in all of this that has tried to work on things, verbalize my commitment, be loving and tough at the same time, take care of and provide for the kids, deal with all of our financial losses, etc. Do I see a sliver of hope....ALWAYS! With God, ANYTHING is possible! Do I see it in her? Not right now..... hence my method of operation.... I don't call her unless there's business; when we do happen to see each other, I am always nice to her; I have told her that I will not be "pursuing" her until she is willing to pursue her relationship with God and me again; I have told her that I will NOT pay a penny towards a divorce and that if she decides to be unfaithful (which is possible that she has), that she may as well go ahead with a divorce. But in all of this, I have regularly told her how VERY much I love her and how I wish she had expressed her feelings to me years ago. She says virtually nothing of any feeling to me anymore.... hasn't since around Mothers Day this year. Look up "walk-away wife" at Divorce Busters and you can get a (secular) picture of almost exactly what I have gone thru. I am also committed to taking her back AFTER counseling, recognition, repentance, and a sincere desire to obey and follow Jesus! Thanx for the continued prayers! I FEEL THEM! I have become so much stronger emotionally and spiritually thanks to all who have prayed! I LOVE YOU ALL!!! AND I PRAY FOR ALL OF YOU TOO!!

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I absolutely love how you are open to reconcilation if specific conditions are met. The order you have them in is perfect. And you already recognize that this process will be long , painful yet rewarding in the end. While separated prior to my divorce I told my ex something similar, but was rejected. I had just closed on the new house in late summer 07, while we were separated, and refused to bring a devisive spirit into a new home. All she could see is a nice new big new house vs the home it could be with a marriage that GOD wants all of us to have. Let me add any counseling that is not bibically/spiritually based is a complete waste of time. I had 4.5 months of marriage counseling with the pastor that married us while she chose her fathers' secular counselor. I grew more spiritually , seeing more of my faults, wanting to reconcile under certain conditions similar to what you outlined, while she became more combative and issued threats if I refused to let her and our son move into the new house.
Needless to say I became stronger in all areas of my life and learned to lean on GOD not just in this but all matters. At the end of the day the only one that will always be there and never let you down is GOD !

[dwk]

You and I both dealing/dealt with the same thing! WOW! I have talked/still do talk with a counselor from church.... she has only consulted with her non-christian friends, some of whom are divorced! Like taking business advice from someone who has failed miserably.... it doesn't work! Thanks again!

[dwk]

And something to hang your hat on... is prayer. Pray for God to work in your life and that of your spouse, or ex-spouse.
There is always hope of reconciliation if neither of you remarries. I have seen this hope revealed on both hands and counting for many couples. There is always that question hanging out there, "will you take me back?" The answer is, "Of course, but we have a lot of work to do together before that happens." Sometimes there is this overwhelming joy that they want to come back that the immediate answer is "yes", move back home tomorrow and we'll have our marriage back. Problem is, the issues that were there to begin with - never get deal with. They get swept under the rug again.

So, take a step back, take a deep breath... and say, "you are more than welcome to come home, after we've spent 6 months in counseling." At that time, you will then know if they are committed to the relationship, or looking for something else.

The hope for reconciliation, for me at least, would end with her being unfaithful.... which, as much as she has been gone/away, is a possibility, although I have no evidence/proof and would never assume anything either.

[SAM]

If you were unfaithful - which does not only mean physical, it also means emotionally, mentally, visually, or verbally. Would you want to be dismissed from your marriage with a quick snap of the fingers?

It's something to consider, especially if you find out this has been the case with your wife. Would it be unforgivable?

[DLW52]

You and I both dealing/dealt with the same thing! WOW! I have talked/still do talk with a counselor from church.... she has only consulted with her non-christian friends, some of whom are divorced! Like taking business advice from someone who has failed miserably.... it doesn't work! Thanks again!

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Anytime man. Its always good to know you have others who are/have gone through what you are currently. Dont get me wrong divorced doesnt mean Im outta the woods in terms of her anger and discord towards me. Its just Ive reached a place now where Im in the divorce recovery stage, moving forward and "CHOOSING" to enjoy each day inspite of, if ya get my drift.
I also chat with my former marriage counselor from time to time via email. Its good to keep those relationships ongoing.
I feel ya about the wife and her non christian friends counsel, thats a virus that will kill any marriage or reconcilation efforts.

[km]

I do recall that there was confrontation back at teh time an inappropriate relationship appeared to be forming, and that boundaries and lines were drawn then. If the lines were drawn, and she blasted across it - into an area where there is scriptural basis for divorcing, then he has that right.

Ideally foregivenness and reconcilliation would be explored - but I see a pretty examplary attempt at that right now.

[dwk]

Yup. I have "drawn the line". And forgiveness is HEAVILY dependent on real recognition and repentance! Yes... it would be forgiveable... IF she is TRULY sorrowful and repentant of any transgressions and back into a right relationship with God.... YES I would forgive her. My reasoning is that of Gods, I believe.... that without a real recognition of our sin and true repentance, forgiveness can not happen.

[SAM]

You're right... a repentant heart makes all the difference.
When the finger of blame gets turned back on you, then you know you're spouse has not looked in the mirror.

[rdsmith3]

True and complete forgiveness, and a reconciled, restored relationship, cannot occur until there is repentance.