Growthtrac Community

[dwk]

My wife and I have been married 20 years this year. I am 42, she is 41. We are both christians; me since 6th grade, her since age 19. Until early this year (January-ish?) our marriage was quite "normal". Occasional disagreements, plenty of "I love you's", physical affection, decent communication, sex had been good and getting alot better up until that point. Our son left to go back to college from winter break in late January and my wife had become interested in Facebook. She found alot of her old friends and we have had a couple small reunions with a few of them. But slowly since then, she spends more and more time on FB, and less time with us (me and 1 daughter still at home). I got involved in FB as well to try and communicate with her, flirt a little, and check on some old friends as well. Then her best friend (lives here in town, female, friend of 32 years) decided a couple months ago to end a 25-year marriage to an emotionally abusive husband. My wife began leaving the house regularly to visit and talk to the friend but at that time I did not know she planned on leaving her husband, just that the friend needed to talk. The friend now lives here in our home in an extra bedroom and at least my wife is no longer leaving all the time. But she seems to be getting farther and farther away emotionally, both from me and the friend, as well as not wanting sex (whereas she used to initiate it regularly), not smiling much, rarely returns an "i love you", just doesn't talk to anyone much about her feelings. We are going thru some serious financial setbacks (may lose our home, have lost 50+% of our income in the last year) but I know God will provide what we need. The friend attempted to initiate a "whats wrong" type of conversation recently and was shut down quickly with a tearful " i dont want to talk about it". I have tried conversations, letters on FB in her inbox, emails, cards, flowers, etc... rarely a response from any, but the most common response I have received from her is "hang in there...it will be ok". I am at a loss as to how to let my wife know that she can talk with me, share with me, etc. about how she is feeling. I dont know where the car went off the road, but I want to help her thru whatever is hurting her.... I love her SO much.

[charity1]

dwk,
I was hoping someone else would answer you with some very good advice, because I don't really have any. She definitely has an awful lot of stress going on in her life. One thing I would like to strongly warn you about is not getting too close to the woman that is living in your house. I understand that you both have a common goal right now, to get to the bottom of what is wrong with your wife, but you both are also going through a lonely time in your lives which could make you very vulnerable. Maybe this is coming from my paranoid side, but as I read your post, a red flag came up. I also had a red flag reading that your wife spends more time on FB than she does with you and your daughter or with the friend she has moved into your house. It's pretty odd that she has a good friend in the house but isn't willing to open up to her either. You can't make her talk, but encourage her to spend time with you, even if it is just a walk around the block or going to a park. Are there any couples at church that you two might be able to spend some couple time with that might be a good influence on her? You two definitely need some fun in your life since things have been so rough lately. Try to do something to help her relax and open up, but most of all, just pray for her, that she will be able to open up to you and that you will be able to handle anything that she might tell you. Pray that you two can reconnect. I will be praying for you.

[veggiemelt]

Having a child move out can make you want to reconnect with your past. My son just recently left home. It is a little difficult to put your finger on the emotions that are running. But I know that I find myself often thinking of the early years and even of my own youth. If she has connected with old friends, alot of old feelings could have also resurfaced in her. She might just be trying to sort it out for herself. There is really no way to describe what it feels like as a Mother to let go of your child and see them venture off into the world. It is a feeling that most men cannot understand, and it can be a very lonely feeling that makes you want to just be left alone. Just be patient with her, if she doesn't start to show improvement soon, she might need an anti depressant or other prescription help to get her past the blues stage.

The one thing that can happen when a child leaves, is that you want to have time for yourself, part of the reason she could be pulling away from you and her friend, is that she doesn't want to take care of another person. There is a point where you want to start to take care of yourself, or become independant and recreate your own identity, as empty nest can cause a major identity crisis. You can read about a lot of this on line - look at empty nest syndrome and menopause or peri-menopause.
Often they will hit at the same time - causing a double whammy of strange emotions. In time, she will probably be able to work through it, but she does need your support, and it is not going to happen over night. The more you can understand about what she might be going through, the better for her and the easier on you it will be.

[dwk]

Last night she gave me a letter stating she no longer feels a connection with us and seems to want to terminate the marriage

[km]

I very strongly suspect that there is something more going on here.

People usually don't just up and say they don't feel a connection and want to divorce - unless there is an alternative connection somewhere. Is there someone else in the picture? Some FB 'friend' perhaps? Was all that leaving to talk to the friend actually seeing the friend who's moved in (or could some of that have bben a cover for seeign someone else)?

[veggiemelt]

Hmmm, I agree km, this is something more.
So sorry. That is very sad.

[charity1]

dwk,
I'm sorry too. I was so afraid of that, and I could tell you probably were too. You two need to have a heart-to-heart talk. She needs to be reminded that love isn't about "good feelings". It's a commitment and an action. She doesn't really want to throw away what you two have had. She is looking for excitement and wants to feel young and desirable. With finances being in a shambles, she is looking for a way out of that too. She isn't thinking clearly right now, and there is something about middle age that causes discontent in a lot of people. Pray for guidance and strength in this. I'm praying for you.

[dwk]

Thankyou for prayers all! The letter stated she has been unhappy for a year or 2 now and that she feels like there is no connection in the bedroom between us anymore. I had felt a stronger than ever connection up to about 2 months ago. We had a talk last night; I am not angry with her, just saddened that she hasn't made any real effort to communicate how she really feels to me. She says "there is no one else" and I kind of believe her, but other quotes "i feel like i have changed and found myself again" , "but i have to come to terms with what will make me happy" leave me to consider other ideas... I am a big believer in I Corinthians 7:10-11 because i believe God despises divorce. There are so many "I"'s and "me"'s in her letter....she has made it all about her and not about us and the kids. Thanks again for your input and prayers. I am praying fervently for a change of heart because i believe thats what God is capable of.

[km]

I do hope it is indeed true that there is no one else involved.

I am sorry that you are in this situation.

[veggiemelt]

dkw - Like I said, this is more then likely something more then just empty nest or early menopause. However, it could easily be a result of those things. It is difficult to explain what a woman goes through in the process of both of those things. And I would have had no idea what that felt like if I had not been there myself. It gives you an extreme feeling of discontent, almost like you are another person, but you don't even know the person you have become. I went through a point where I suddenly started dealing with a lot of unresolved emotional termoil, much of it was from my childhood and with my mother, and alot of it was from the early years of my marriage.

It all came rushing out of no where and i just wanted to run away from it. On top of that, there are some very serious mental issues that go along with losing your fertility, it feels very strange and yet you can't quite figure out why. The one thought that came to me over and over again was that I just wanted to leave and start a new life, there was in fact no one else in the picture at that time. I just needed some place to find a new identity, to figure out who and what I was at this stage of my life. It started when I was in my late thirties, about 7 years ago. At the time, both of my kids were still in high school, so my nest was not empty yet. I was however feeling very strongly that I was not actually needed as a Mother really anymore and because of business issues (we are self employed) I was also in the midst of financial problems which were causing stress in my marriage. My husband was not really discontent with our marriage at all, I did not show alot of discontent, but I really was not happy in any element of my life and I just started to slowly drift away from him and my children as well.

I started spending way too much time at work, just because I could not face being at home, mostly because I just didn't feel like I belonged there. I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. The only thing that kept me from packing my bags at the time was the fact that my kids were still in school and I had a financial responsibility to my business. The thought of my marriage was not really even a consideration at that time as I didn't care if I was with him or not, my mind just didn't have the ability to focus on him and I didn't feel like he needed me anyway. I was so confused that i couldn't see what was really in front of me and I pretty much felt like I was living in a fog. On top of that the issues with peri menopause were really difficult and I hated myself because of how I felt every day. One of the biggest things that starts to happen at the onset is that there are these really strange aches and pains and you just feel tired and miserable all the time. It is caused from the loss of estrogen in your body. But it is something that no one tells you, so I literally felt like I was just suddenly really old.
Plus there are alot of other factors that your wife might not want to talk to you about simply because they are embarrassing. I am not going to go into that here too much, but I will tell you that those things will have an extreme impact on your sexuality and comfort level with that as a female. I did not talk to my husband about how those things made me feel, because I did not feel close enough to him to even begin to have that conversation. We had a history is sexual issues anyway, so there was not even a remote chance that I was going to share anything that personal with him, but if i had, I can tell you that he would have had alot easier time understanding why I was suddenly so different.

We did not ever talk about any of these things and he totally did not understand. One of the things that I have a hard time with now, is that he didn't ever try to understand it or even ask about it, he just started to get angry and acted like a total jerk for about three years. I went on medication to balance the hormone issues about three years after it started, but by then, my marriage was in really bad shape and I was just waiting for my youngest to graduate so that I could leave. Once I started taking medication to balance my hormones, I was able to deal with most of the old emotional issues, and I actually was able to think much more rationally. I didn't want to leave anymore, I wanted to save my marriage, but there had been so much damage done in those years, that it has been hard to get closer again (there are age old issues there, so in order to fix any of it, we have to resolve stuff from over 25 years ago). I am actually willing to just let by gones be by gones - but my husband is not, so the process of improvement is very slow and there is alot of resentment there. None the less there is slow progress and i have to believe in that.

I know that what she is possibly going through might not make any sense to you, and because of what she feels, she does not believe that you can or even want to understand. If you could get to a counselor or someone that she could feel comfortable to be honest with, maybe you could get to the bottom of what she is feeling. This effects women differently depending on their life circumstances and many times stems around their most difficult and hidden issues throughout their life. This has turned into a book, but maybe there will be something here that can help or encourage you in some way. You are not alone and neither is she. But I could almost bet you that what ever lies under all of this is something that has very little to do with you and that she may not even know or understand herself. But it is probably fixable with the right help and your marriage will ultimately grow and be blessed through the recovery.

I pray that you find your answers and that God gives you the strength to face whatever is behind this challenge.

[veggiemelt]

OOPs

[veggiemelt]

There is one more thing I wanted to address really quickly here and you can consider if it applies to your situation. You stated that she says that there is no connection between you in the bedroom anymore, and yet you felt that your sex life was improving. The perspective on what is satisfying or what you need or want to receive from sex is entirely different from a male point then it is from a female point.

If you say that you sex life was getting better - meaning that it was more exciting and varied - that she may have even become more "sexual" that is a guys perspective of a great sex life. However, that is actually a sign that a female is disconnected and that for her, it is purely a physical experience, therefore she will often do things that are not ordinary for her because it is pretty much a disconnected experience and it is just sex, which has nothing to do with love or emotion.

To a female a connected sexual experience is not about hot and heavy raunchy sex. It is about an emotional connection that is calmer and where she feels loved and respected, more like making love rather then having sex. If she does not feel a connection between you, she will in fact turn a loving experience into sex just to get through it because a female cannot make love to someone she has no feelings for or feels disconnected from, she can however have sex with them which is just pretty much about using her body and if she doesn't feel anything for you it can cause her to lose self respect and have shame because of it - morning after regret where you hate yourself and feel like a whore.

That is not to say that every time a woman just has sex for fun it means that she is disconnected, but if it is happening all of the time and especially if she is the one turning it there - there is more then likely a problem. A major clue as to whether a woman is connected or not to a sexual experience is kissing, if she is not kissing you - then she is not connecting with you.

[rdsmith3]

A major clue as to whether a woman is connected or not to a sexual experience is kissing, if she is not kissing you - then she is not connecting with you.

That is absolutely true!

[dwk]

Thankyou all so much. All the insight has been wonderful. and all very pertinent. and all very applicable to the situation. We had a talk last night and, based on "Love must be tough" by James Dobson, I "opened the cage door".... I set her free. She is not mine...she is Gods gift to me. I have given her her freedom to do whatever she feels she must. Hopefully soon she will realize what physical changes she is going thru at thru at this age are a significant cause of her emotions and feelings. Its hard to let go of someone you have been with for so long, but I will be ok. I have my relationship with God as my priority again and she knows I love her very much. She is not interested in counseling yet, but that may come with time and prayer. Neither of us can afford to move (and I would not...she would have to) so we are going to be under the same roof. We don't fight at all...never really have, so there is no conflict issues. I dont even believe she wants a divorce or a separation.....she needs space and freedom....I STRONGLY recommend the aforementioned book.

BTW....she also stated there has never been anyone else and that she is not looking or desiring another relationship.... I do believe her....

[rdsmith3]

dwk

Just some food for thought ...

Does the fact that you never fight mean that there are no conflicts, or could it mean that there are conflicts, but one or both of you just stuffs it down? I am no expert, but I am not sure it is a healthy sign if you never, ever had a disagreement -- money, kids, whose house to go to for Christmas, etc.

If the absence of conflict is due to avoiding and stuffing, rather than resolving, then that possibly allows resentment to grow.