Growthtrac Community

[andrewgilmour]

for the last couple years ever since my wives infidelity we have struggled, she eventually ask me to move out this past jan and filed for divorce. I have been very supportive of her choices because all though i do not myself agree with divorce if my wife is so unhappy and unsatisfied that she would feel the need to seek that in another and file for divorce, i would not want to have her continue to live in such unhappiness. after many devotionals on divorce and much prayer i felt that god told me to let go but at the same time continue to show her that i love and care for her and would very much so wish to continue our marriage. This is a very hard balance, to show her love and show understanding for what she is going through in life right now and at the same time to not feel intense pain over the loss of a 15 year relationship and 10 years marriage. we where married young, right out of high school for most part in out first year of college. There are many life experiences that she feels like she missed out on. The old "sow your wild oats thing". But i feel that the bible allows separation and forgiveness, as long as she does not remarry. once she remarries or if she chooses to live her life with another even out side of being married at least, i should then fully let go of our marriage. Well although i feel the bible is clear in what i should do as her husband(forgive, and continue to hold that door open till i know there is no hope for reconciliation). I am just wondering how others feel on this? And if you could share your experiences with me if you have been in a situation like mine. Her affair was brief and she has not been with another since then. But through many long talks in therapy i have found that she has been unhappy for a very long and has felt trapped and unloved. I am not sure why i have tried to be a caring husband, or so i thought! I used to work quite a lot 60+ hours a week. Even to the point of 80 hour work weeks. I really felt i was doing what was best by being a good provider for my family. I have since quit my job(i was a restaurant manager)and am going back to school and working part time to become a teacher so that i will still have an ok income yet have a good amount of home time. I completely missed out on so many signs cause i was so focused on work. our communication broke down i barely went to church due to working most Sunday's, our love life was far and few in between the times i was just to worn out to even care. And now with going to school and working just 30 hours a week on top of having 2 households worth of bills. I am just not even sure things will look up. Now our finances suffer also. We have recently opened up some good communication with each other and that is good. But now she says she fears that i fail as a provider. I kind of feel like loose loose here! I mean the only job i have ever known is working in a restaurant since i was 14. And in order to get a new career that can pay anywhere close to a G.M. salary and still have good at home time i need to go to school and get a degree. And i still have to at least work 30-40 hours week to barley pay bills even with my wife working part time. I am just not sure how i can balance school for 4-5 years and working close to 40 hours a week that whole time and continue to have the time i need to spend with my wife. Our divorce is as good as final soon. But even after divorce i still feel there is hope for us. I just need direction and prayer to find some balance in life. And some solid advice from people who have been there done that and how they made it through.

[SAM]

Welcome - sorry I did not see your post in the new posts.

There is always hope for reconciliation as long as neither of you remarries. It happens all the time.

If she is telling you, you are not providing enough - then she is looking for more financial security.
However, it would be important to specifically ask her how she thinks that will work out.
Explain that you feel one of the reasons your marriage got to the place it did is, is because of 60-80 hour
weeks. If, you were to get to a place of rebuilding your relationship, how would that work?
It's asking her what she wants.

A lot of guys get into the mindset that working your tails off is being a good provider, but don't think about the
toll it will take on a marriage or relationship with children. Forty hour weeks are enough for anyone, and lifestyle
changes are necessary if work is consuming more of your time. Maybe a smaller home, older cars, etc.
What usually happens is spiritual, emotional, and relational depletion. I think that is what you have experienced.

I was in this place myself ten years ago. I quit the corporate rat race, and started a business from home. It
took a good year to build it up, but it has been worth the relational change with my husband and children.
At the beginning of this year, I decided to go back to college - and it has been a balancing act. However,
I seldom watch TV anymore, do not spend hours on the computer, and find I have a lot more time in my day.

[km]

I had to deal with being excoriated for trying to do everything she said she wanted (it seems to turn out that she never really wants what she says she wants - or wants it in a way that doesn't happen in the real world), she wanted high income, big house, high status - but no long hours, or hard work or time consuming effort to take care of all the stuff. She should have known better, but directs the blame for reality not being what she wanted on me. A lot of women are like that at some level.

There is always hope - but you have to be strong yourself, being a needy doormat will only encourage her to treat you poorly and then walk away. Women are attracted to men they don't respect (and vice versa).