Growthtrac Community

[nikki]

Hi,

I am 25, and a divorced mother of 3 young children (my ex husband was adulterous and walked out on our family), and late last year I started dating the man who I am now in a relationship with. He is amazing in every way - he is a Christian, loving, honest and so good to me and the children. I met his parents who are also strong beleivers, and I have attended their church about 7 or 8 times. His mother is a really sweet lady who is concerned about my relationship with God and wants me to draw nearer to Him, and she callls me about 3 times a week to talk to me about God. I really love this because my own mother is not a Christian and it is so nice to have a mature Christian woman who I can talk to about God.

Lately, her son (my boyfriend) has been spending alot of time with me and the kids and he stays over on the weekends sometimes too. His mother hates this, and now when I talk to her she tells me that she hopes that we're not sleeping together and that I need to do the right thing by not letting her son stay over my house (he still lives at home with his parents). I see where she is coming from, but sometimes I feel that she is too intrusive - for example, if he doesn't come home by 11pm, she will constantly call his phone and tell him to come home. She also does not like it when he comes to my church. And for the past couple of weeks, my bf has been saying that my church is not right because the pastor only preaches on topics that make people feel good about themselves, and doesnt tell the congregation about the consequences of sin (hell and death). I agree that my church doesnt really preach too much on these topics, and I would compare the sermons to a Joel Osteen type style -is this kind of preaching wrong?

I have said alot of things, but I guess what i am asking is if you beleive that his mother is being too intrusive, and how often I should speak to her. I feel like if I don't, that me and bf's relationship will be in jeopardy because I know that she has a lot of influence on him, and he told me a couple of nights ago that his parents were saying that I dont really seem to be serious about God, and that it seems like I dont want to speak to his family. I dont feel that they have a right to be judging my relationship with God when they dont know how often I pray or read the Word. However, I think his mom is saying this because I haven't returned her calls for the last little while because I've been busy, and honestly, don't really want to hear her telling me about the consequences of fornication (of which I am already aware). He told me that his mother was also telling him that maybe my divorce was my fault, and that he should re-consider being with a woman with children. She told him to really pray and ask God if He is the one who put us together. It just sounds to me like she is trying to put doubts into his mind for whatever reasons she may have for not wanting us to be together. What do you think?

Also, what do you think about him sleeping over sometimes? Is it ok if we are not doing anything sexual? And what do you think about our conflict over church-I really do like my church even though the message does always seem to lean towards becoming a better person by following the example of Christ, and doesn't really talk about consequences of sin. He tells me to come to his church, but I'm not really into it because the children's ministry just seems like a babysitting service, and it doesn't feel like a church family (probably because it is so huge, and it doesnt seem like the people there are too interested in newcomers).

Your advice please! These issues may start to cause some serious problems....

[rdsmith3]

Why does he still live at home at the age of 25? What is his reaction to his mother's intrusions? If you have any thoughts of marriage, these are important questions to which you need satisfactory answers. Don't latch onto this guy just because you may feel lonely. I have been a single parent, and I know that it can be very lonely at times.

His mother is mothering him. There is nothing necessarily wrong with that, if he were 15. He needs to be the one to tell his mother that he is a grown man now. Living at home makes it hard to get that point across, doesn't it?

It is dangerous for him to sleep over. One thing leads to another. Once you start sleeping together (not if but when) he has everything he might think he needs at that point, and it also proves his mother right. Most of all, it is a sin.

As far as your church goes, he may have a valid point. At a good, Bible-based church, the pastor will systematically preach through the Bible, and not just preach on popular topics. For example, our pastor has been doing a series on Romans, and he did not skip over homosexual behavior being sinful. He handled it very well. When I was a new Christian, I thought Joel Osteen was fine. Now I do not. It is hard to really say if your church is biblically based or not.

We changed churches about 2.5 years ago. The first church we went to had excellent preaching, but some of our kids disliked the Sunday school. It was too formal for them. Our current church is very solidly biblically based, is less formal, and all the kids love the Sunday school program, youth group, etc. There are good churches out there.

P.S. By the way, welcome here. It is a great community, and we're happy you are here.

[rick_b]

I agree with all that rdsmith3 said...

I can understand a parent's desire to control and create the perfect scenario for marriage. Marriage is hard work and in their eyes, their son marrying you is probably not what they envisioned as the ideal scenario. You are taking marriage and upping it 2 difficulty levels. The first is, you were once divorced. The divorce rate for those who have been divorced is rather high. Not to mention, the issues that led to divorce are often not solved by leaving the marriage. The second issue is, children from the previous marriage.

It sounds like they are willing to look past these things but want to be sure you are in a secure position with the Lord. Unfortunately, none of us can really honestly say where someone else's heart is. Only God knows whats on our hearts, often times, we fail to even see it.

25 year olds should not live at home with Mom and Dad. At 25 they should be independent of their parents financially and living and working on their own. Sounds like there might be some control issues there, but the only way out is for the man to get himself out of there. If you are conflicting with his mother now, it will only get worse if you were married.

I agree, sleeping over is only putting you in a spot for increased temptation. If you dont' want to sin, then put yourselves in a place of success. Don't forget, your children are watching.

Good luck!

[km]

If a 25 year old woman (divorced with kids) has her 20-something year old boyfriend sleeping over, essentially no one is going to believe that they are not sexually active. The odds are, should it go on long enough, they will be.

I would conseider a discussion with his mother along the lines of:
A. The point about overnights is well taken - their fears of current activity are unfounded, but it would be better to eliminate the tempation.
B. You are on a journey toward God, and that isn't an 'overnight' journey, but a lifetime journey. The heart takes time to fully refocus, so they will need to step back a little on some of the pressure and let the Holy Spirit do His necessary work.
C. You appreciate the advice you get from them, but are concerned to set up some appropriate bounds to keep it within its proper limits - it might be best to get you into a good women's group and have some different mature Christian women doing your mentoring.

Their point about churches might be a good one, but they sound like they might be a bit excessively inflexible about their take being the "only right one".

The boyfriend also sounds like he has a bit of "leaving" to do before he is really ready to "cleve".

[nikki]

Thank you all so much for your advice. T

o answer your questions, he is living at home because he has some debts (credit cards) that need to be paid off and he is also working at a job where he is not being paid enough to really move out on his own. But I've put together a monthly budget for him that will ensure that his debts will be paid off in the next year - and he follows it every month.
When his mother asks him a million questions, he usually responds by telling her to back off a bit, although not in those words.

My whole thing is that she always wants to talk to me about church, and about Jesus (which is perfectly fine because I love talking about the Lord) and wants me to come over to her house weekly to meet with her. I know that she has good intentions, I just feel like she kind of overdoes it - especially with me being busy with the kids and working. It's like if I dont return her calls or meet with her, or go to church for morning AND evening services, then she questions my relationship with God which I think is totally unfair.

I know I've repeated alot of things, I guess I'm just venting because I get a little frustrated sometimes.

[rdsmith3]

Nikki,

It is hard to really give you good advice here because I don't know you or your boyfriend. Is there someone you can talk to, such as a pastor or Christian counselor?

My gut reaction is that you are involved with a man who cannot manage his finances, cannot support himself, and is unable to separate himself from his mother. At the same time, you are managing the finances of someone who is not your husband, and you are trying to manage the relationship with someone who is not your mother-in-law. You should not be doing those things -- he should be responsible for them.

I am not sure what your intentions in this relationship are, but you have not described him as great husband material, and you are describing a relationship that does not sound like it is equal.

[nikki]

Rdsmith,

I know its hard to give me advice when you don't know me or him personally. And it is my fault for making him sound like any less of the amazing man that he is. His finances are really the only thing that I could say is a problem - and it isn't that much of a problem because I am strong in the area of finances and am teaching him how to be better with his money. He is so good to me the children, he reads the Bible to them and we pray together as well. I can talk to him about anything, and vice versa. We are best friends, and this is something new to me because me and my ex husband could never talk about anything (and he was a liar and cheater). He is also serious about me, and he always talks about us having a future together and tells me that he would not want to come into my family, develop a relationship with the kids and then leave. I know that his intentions are to be here for the long term because he's told me, and just from being with him for the past while, I can tell that he is a man of his word. Kind of hard to convey in words....

I also feel the same way about him and would love for us to eventually get married. I've prayed about our relationship, and I haven't received any warnings from God that point to us not being together (as I did in my last realtionship).

And no, I don't really have a Christian counsellor or pastor that I can really talk to about this because at my church, my pastor knew what me and my ex husband went through so it would be kind of awkward to talk to him about my bf.

[km]

The pastor who helped you through the travails with the ex might be exactly the person to talk to regarding a new man in your life.

[rdsmith3]

Nikki

I don't mean to come across as critical. I am just trying to be realistic and helpful because I have been through the divorce/remarriage situation myself. I cannot say enough about how difficult it is to re-marry. It is challenging for both of you. You do not have a real courtship. He does not get to know you as a single person, alone without kids. He will always know that you had sex with at least one other man before him (if it happens). You will at times, even subconsciously, compare him to your first husband, and he may know that. You may get irritated if he is resentful about how much time you spend with the kids. This is just the tip of the iceberg of some of the issues you will encounter.

Also, depending on what church you go to, you may feel judged for being that divorced/remarried person. You can already see that you may have in-law and financial issues.

So, again, it would be a great investment for the future for you to get some counseling about this whole situation. I do not recall if you said how long you have been divorced, but you should be very careful about getting into any relationship within two or three years of your divorce. You are still in the rebound from the pain of that experience, and any man may look good to you at the moment. You are possibly not being objective about this, and it is good to get other perspectives. Have any of your friends met him?

[nikki]

Yes, my friends have met him and they really like him and feel that he is sincere and is good for me. I have been divorced for 2 years now, and before I met my bf, I was kind of dating and knew exactly what I did not want in a relationship. After going through what I went thorugh with my ex husband, there is NO WAY I would settle for someone who I did not feel was right for me and to be around my children. He is nothing like my ex husband, so there is no comparison there.

Thank you again for your advice. I really appreciate it!

[SAM]

Nikki -
This mom is wanting to build a relationship with you. She wants to know if you are a "pick and choose" Christian, or a "fully devoted" follower of Jesus Christ. What I mean is, do you pick and choose what you like in scripture that appeals to the lifestyle you want to live, or are you sold out completely to what scripture says?

I think every couple that is serious about each other, needs to pick a "we" church. One that you both love for yourselves and the kids without the influence of family. Otherwise, church becomes a "family affair" rather than an all out love affair with God.

Also, until this man is living on his own for at least a year, he is not marriage material. He will be going from one mother to another. And, what he really needs to do is go from being a boy, to being an independent man, an eventual husband and father. He needs to find his footing without mom and dad, and without you watching his budget and balancing his checkbook.

Also, what do you think about him sleeping over sometimes? Is it ok if we are not doing anything sexual?

The following questions are what you should pray about and ask of yourselves -
- Is it honoring to God?
- Might it harm a weaker brother or sister in Christ who are watching your relationship? Will they think sleeping overnight
is okay?
- Is it the example you want to set for your children?
- Does it strengthen the cause of Christ or weaken it?
- Are your thoughts remaining pure and your eyes? Even though your bodies are pure, your thoughts and eyes may not be.

Don't be naive and self-confident about your purity. You're not exempt. You could fall flat on your face as easily as anyone else. Forget about self-confidence; it's useless. Cultivate God-confidence by not spending the night together.

He obviously trusts the opinions of his mother and father about his future wife. If you really love this man, you'll do what it takes to build that relationship with his parents. However, I agree, that a potential MIL should not be your spiritual mentor at this time. If you honestly have a mentor, share that with his mom. If you don't, then find a woman's small group leader who you can build that kind of relationship with, and reassure his mom, that you have that type of woman in your life. We all need someone to confide in, to hold us accountable, and to guide us toward spiritual growth. A potential MIL should not be that person.

[nikki]

Thank you Sam. You raised a lot of good points that I have taken into consideration. I know that it's not right for him to stay over, but we always want to be together and be in each others company. I don't want my children thinking that its ok either - so yes, it definitely isn't right :S

I also know that my bf needs to be independent and living on his own, and he is slowly working towards that. He really does not want to live with his parents, but I understand why he is and don't want to hold that against him.

And regarding church, I'm beginning to think that his mother thinks I'm trying to take her son out of the church that he grew up in, when that is not the case at all. She believes that God wants her family (her, her husband and children) to stay at their church, and that I should stay there with my kids also. Although the preaching is biblical, I don't really FEEL anything when I'm there. I just feel tired and disinterested - is this wrong? And are my feelings the important deciding factor in choosing a church? I don't want to be taking the kids around to different churches searching for the right one, but I really don't feel like this church is the right one for me...

[SAM]

Many churches offer mid-week or Saturday night services. Get a babysitter and go visit the churches that might be of interest to you without the kids and with your BF. Have you told him of your discomfort in his family's church?

If you have expressed the desire to your BF to find a "we" church, instead of a "me" church that makes his mother happy, and he is hesitating to consider a switch - then this is a HUGE deal breaker. It is time to end this relationship. He has to cut the apron strings.

I know that it's not right for him to stay over, but we always want to be together and be in each others company. I don't want my children thinking that its ok either - so yes, it definitely isn't right :S

Catch the"BUT" in that sentence about it not being right? This completely negates the previous statement, and it clearly tells me you are struggling with wanting to give up his "overnight stays". Or, that there is a fear of losing him if you stand your ground by no longer letting him stay.

I'm going to be painfully blunt ...you know it's not right, but what's the solution? What sense does it make if you're hoping for God's blessing on this relationship, but you're going to continue to be disobedient to God's word?

Blessings aren't going to be forthcoming when you dig in your heels and tell God, "I like my ways better than yours." You can't be a Pick and Choose Christian. Either you're completely sold out to how the Bible tells us to live our lives, or you're creating your own image of God.

[km]

His mother is not wrong to want her family to stay in its longtime church - church is intended to become an extended family for us, and unless he moves away, she properly desires to see him stay there.

Now IF you two married and IF you had a strong chuch home where your children were fully plugged in, THEN it would be a valid reason for him decide to move over to your church as a church home. Otherwise, she has no good reason to counter her proper desire to see him remain.

Could some of the unease/disinterest at his church be a spiritual battle - over your relationship with the BF?

[SAM]

Could some of the unease/disinterest at his church be a spiritual battle - over your relationship with the BF?

Excellent point.