Growthtrac Community

[believer]

My husband and I are continuously having difficulty with this issue. We are a blended family with 2 children living at home. My 17 year old son and his 11 year old daughter. My step daughter's mother is deceased. My son has no contact with his birth father.....On to our problem.....My husband is content to let me make all of the rules, enforce them and discipline. If either child does not obey me my husband says nothing in front of the children to support me but rather gets angry with me for being upset. Mostly this involves the 11 year old daughter although he does tell me that if my 17 year old son were his child he would never allow what I allow. I do try and deal with my son more because I feel that it is my responsibility to enforce the rules for him since he is my child. I have given my husband my permission to correct my son but he doesn't. He will threaten, to me, to take away his car, ground him and so forth but does not discipline his own daughter.

My husband does not remind our daughter to shower, to have good table manners, to say please and thank you, to enforce limited TV time, to watch for her bedtime, to have her set the table, clean her room.....nothing. I have had to fight for limited phone calls and TV time. My husband has admitted that as long she is out of his hair he doesn't care how much time she spends on the phone or watching TV. I have managed to get the TV viewing and phone use down to a minimum but it always involves an argument between by husband and I. I can tell her to do something and she will space it off and when I call her attention to it or get upset about it he just sits there. I don't like always having to be the bad cop. I have told him that I feel it is his Biblical duty to be the authority head of the family and that he should at the very least back me up verbally if one of the kids is disobedient. He just won't do it. I have also told him that I would not have to be so forceful in our family if he would step up and take some of the load off of me. We have been married over 3 1/2 years. I am very tired of it. I also have a disability that involves my sciatic nerve and am unable to do things for days at a time. I feel that he should step in and have the kids take care of things when I am out of commission. He doesn't do that either.

I know that I am suppose to obey my husband and I want to do what is Biblical but in this case I really don't know what that is. I feel like just giving up, keeping my mouth shut and doing it all myself even though I know that is not what is best for the kids nor is it good for my health issues.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[SAM]

Welcome - glad to have you with us at GT community. Sorry I did not see your post earlier.

Your situation is not unusual with blended families. Time to sit down and have an honest face-to-face with your husband that you need a game plan for the kids that you will both follow. This is a plan for TV, homework, friends, family time, couple time, etc. And, a plan for agreed upon discipline with the kids. This is a partnership, not a single mother family any more. If he refuses to work on this with you, then let him know it's time to see a pastor or counselor to help you come to terms of agreement with your children.

What speaks volumes is the sentence you wrote that says -

My husband has admitted that as long she is out of his hair he doesn't care how much time she spends on the phone or watching TV.

He has admitted to checking out as a parent. He cannot play ostrich and stick his head in the sand. It's a hard job, but parenting cannot end without painful consequences to your children, and to the detriment and potential harm of your marriage.

A great book by Ron Deal called The Smart Stepfamily would be very helpful to you. And, one by Les and Leslie Parrott called Saving Your 2nd Marriage Before (or After) it Starts. The Parrott's also have a DVD series called Parenting Your Teenager ,which I have heard great things about.

Praying for you and your family.

[gladysia]

What is the worst thing you experienced with your husband or ex-husband? What is the worst thing that your husband, or ex-husband did to you?
_____________
hindu matrimonial

[believer]

I would say that the worst thing that my X husband did to me was to choose alcohol over me and his children. Her refused counseling and does not have a relationship with his children today. Our daughter is nearly 21 and our son is 17. We also raised his daughter from his first marriage. He checked out of our marriage because of his addiction and when I wanted a divorce I was told that I was the most selfish person he had ever seen. I did ask for counseling for years but he refused to go. After all, he went to work, didn't beat me and did not cheat on me. No one would love me like he did. He refused to believe in God so we did not have a Christ based marriage. I should say that he believed in God.......He was God.

In my current marriage, I waited 12 years to remarry, I would say that the worst thing that my husband does to me is to not put me in what I believe is the place in our marriage that God has outlined for me. I am disabled due to chronic pain and I feel like at 50 years old, suffering from daily sciatic pain that he should be more considerate of me and love me as Christ loves the Church. His main concern is whether or not our 11 year old daughter is happy and whether or not he spends time with her. So I guess I feel neglected when he lets her bedtime run 30 minutes behind schedule and then he goes to bed 30 minutes later, he does not insist that she have regular chores, leaves the organization and cleaning of her room to me, the packing for her yearly summer vacation to visit family to me and pretty much all of the discipline. He does not put her in the place of being a child. He does not care that she sits and listens to our conversations about money or other adult issues. When we bought my son, who is 17 a laptop for his senior year at school my husband asked...."What do we tell "N"? She wants ones too!" I told him to tell her that when she is a senior in high school we will get one we will get one for her also.

My husband just doesn't see any reason to say no to "N" and disregards how I feel about things even though we have discussed them many times. I am the bad cop....he is the good cop. So I guess to answer the question of what the worst thing my husband has done to be would be that he has disregarded my opinions and feelings about rules where "N" is concerned. Because of that attitude I feel over looked and not equal to his daughter. I do not feel that he treats me as his life partner, I feel like her maid, her cook and the only on that ever is upset about her behavior. I feel alone.

[SAM]

Does your current husband have a role model/another Christian man who he looks up to? Would that individual be open to spending time in your home or with your husband to discuss these issues?

I think the attached article is a great way to contemplate how you view your relationship - at least it is food for thought.

http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publis ... s-1239.php

[stev0themarried]

Sounds like he doesn't have a category for why you want to discipline the children. Maybe plan a night out together away from the kids to specifically talk about these things would be helpful.
Graciously, and gently tell him how this makes you feel. (disrespected, unloved, uncared for, etc...)
Find a way to be encouraging to him in the midst of this (guys get hurt/angry quickly when their pride is poked at - a kind word can help ease him into gracious admonishment). Let him know how he's has done right by you and God, but that there's are places that need attention.

But I'll be honestly, I've not been in this situation but I will say a prayer for you and your family.
Keep strong not to give in to being passive and don't give into being bitter.
Take time out to put your mind and heart into the word and prayer. Hold on to what the cross means to you, how God has saved you from the wrath you deserve and remember that God will bring good to you through this. And that's not some hopeful drivel, it's God's promise to all His children... and i pray that He will reveal that to you because I understand how difficult it is to see when you are in the throw of it. (frustration and such).

stephen k.