Growthtrac Community

[CandyAnn]

I had a very troublesome feeling all of last week, must have been the Holy Spirit... Over the weekend I found evidence that my husband has been reading explicit literature. Over the course of 3 days he read approximately 40 of these filthy stories. I don't know why he was so sloppy as to leave the evidence behind, but he discovered his negligence and has since deleted it.

Due to circumstances, I was unable to approach him about this and I've been sick to death about it since Saturday. Unless something else gets in the way, I intend to deal with this tonight. I am so tired of this mess that I could scream!!! I literally cringe at the thought of being intimate. Please pray that I will handle this with as much grace as I can muster. I am sure that he will become defensive and that we will have yet another major blowup. I really don't know what to do anymore.

[SAM]

I'm sorry I did not see your post earlier. How have things gone? Did you get a chance to speak to your husband? Praying for you and your circumstances.

[resecured]

I understand your feelings of being so tired with it all that you could scream. It just seems to take another piece of your heart when things of this nature keep happening, doesn't it? I pray that your "talk" went well. Am praying for you!

-RJ-

[CandyAnn]

Sadly, it did not go well at all. I won’t go into any detail, but it was very ugly. Just like every other time we’ve had this argument, the tables get turned on me and he is quick to point out how I’ve become distant, unaffectionate, unresponsive, etc., etc., etc. The guilt trip gets laid on me, we have make-up relations and now everything is supposed to be just hunky-dorey.

I’m sick to death of this and I don’t know what to do about it. In a situation like this, is it ever biblical to “withhold” until some type of progress is made? I think that maybe since he’s never had to suffer the consequences of his behavior, there’s not much motivation for him to change.

[km]

Withholding will just as likely "prove" to him that he is "right" in his complaints, and further fuel the bad behavior that you want him to stop instead of getting further into.

[SAM]

So sorry that the tables were turned upside down on you.
Biblically - abstinence in marriage has to be "mutually" agreed upon.

You do have a few choices:
1) accept things as they are, and keep living this way (which seems to make you miserable)
2) make a decision to seek wise counsel - your pastor or a Christian counselor (tell your husband you are going on your own, but you would appreciate him joining you.) And, remember, this is about making your marriage the best it can be - it's not about "fixing" him.
3) pray for God's work in your heart and that of your husband

Of course, it's hard to know all the details from the posts here on the boards, but from what you describe it sounds like
your husband has been dealing with an addiction. Blaming you for his desire to view this filth, is a classic symptom of addiction.

If this indeed has been going on for 18 years, and this is not the first time you have found such literature, only you
can decide how fed up you are, and how much you want to escalate this - especially if he is unwilling to seek counsel with you.

There is an excellent book called Shattered Vows by Debra Laaser that I highly recommend. This is a woman who has walked the journey with a husband who had sexual addiction. They now have a ministry together called http://www.faithfulandtrueministries.com. I think you will find their resources and website tremendously helpful.

Growthtrac has several articles from this couple -
http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publis ... ry-799.php
http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publis ... ns-800.php
http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publis ... 2-1196.php