Growthtrac Community

[djt08]

I am 38 years old and have three children:16,13 and 6. This is the second marriage for me and my husband. We have been married for 10 years and known one another most of our lives. He left us in October,had a relationship with another woman. While he was gone he had nothing to do or say to me and the kids. I am a stay at home mom and have been for the past 15 years. I have no income except a small amount of child support. The utilities were turned off and the house * was months behind because he didn't want to help and wouldn't pay the bills until after things were cut off and he would check his voicemail. I am blessed to have wonderful parents and friends that helped me through this time and helped me pull off Christmas for my kids. In February he showed up at the house and I sat out in the driveway and had a chance to finally talk to him.He was very open to what I was telling him and when he left I felt very much relieved, he seemed like a different person. He started calling and comming around again. About a week or so after this, he informed me he wanted to come back home and make things work, that he was sorry. He also informed me that he had been "messing" with another woman and that her husband(she had left him and her 2 kids also)had hired a detective and had pics of the two of them together and he would probably have t go to court. That killed me,but I knew if I was going to let him back in I needed to put it ALL in the past, not so easy. He told me he was ready to put God first and that he was a changed man and I believed him, he was acting different. He had brought some of his stuff back to the house and I was putting it away one day and found a letter he had written the other woman, I wasn't being nosey, it was left on top of a bowl he had sat on the kitchen counter. In this letter he told her how beautiful and wonderful she was, how she had all the qualities he had been searching for all his life but had never found,how he wanted to snuggle up in front of a warm fire with her,and how he felt himself falling for her....he signed it love always. I lost it. I called him at work and informed him I had found the letter and was none too happy and that I wasn't sure I had made the right decision. He ended up calling several times and I just couldnt talk to him. He came home to our house for lunch crying and telling me he loved me and that was in his past, and that he wanted to fix everything. I again fell for it hook,line,and sinker. He ended up comming back home and things were good for about a month. Since then, things have gone downhill. He will be great to me for about 9 days and then go back to being hateful,not only to me but to our son and middle daughter. He treats our oldest daughter more like a wife than he does me. They sit around whispering all the time,texting eachother, and she knows more of what is going on than I do. Also,for the past 8 years he has controlled everything. I have had no access to any of the money, and have to ask him for every cent. I have to tell him what I need it for and then he decides if he is going to let me have it or not. When the car is low on gas, I have to ask for that but most of the time he will only put a little in it so that I can't really go anywhere. I had to go get food stamps when he was gone and if it wasn't for them, we would not have any food to eat. He opened his own business with another guy a few years ago and that didnt work out. Now he owes a whole lot of money for that business and has again started up his own business again. When he came back he told me that they had taken out a 75,000 loan and that now he had to pay it off. The house was in my fathers name but about 6 months before he left, he wanted it in his and took out another high loan on the house. I have no idea who or how much he actually owes. He cancelled our medical insurance but has made sure he gets to the doctor several times a month(he has asthma,they give him samples). I have had to go to the health department to get my childrens dental care and if they are sick I have to treat them with over the counter meds because he says he can't afford for them to see a doctor and the same answer applies to me if I need to go. My middle daughter made cheerleading and we have to beg for him to give her the money for shoes,uniform,and bag. We have only been able to get the money for the shoes from him and are hoping his "good" mood comes back before it's too late. I get very little in child support and have to use it wisely on things that are a must have(toliet paper,laundry detergent,medicine,etc.) When he was in a good mood he actually went to the bank to get me added to the account but never turned the papers in. I went by the bank last week and got another set and called him at work and told him I was bringing them by for him to sign, he refused and said he didn't want me on the account. He sleeps on the couch, and hardley ever speaks to me. Sex is a thing of the past,I can't even get a hug or a smile. I feel like I live here alone with the kids,he is rarely home and when he is he seperates himself from everyone but our oldest. They act like best friends, while I am glad that they are getting along, I would like some time with him also. If I try to talk to him about things, she wont leave the room, and if I ask her to go she refuses and he just sits there. If I do get a chance to discuss things with him we end up fighting. He won't say much, mostly that I think I am perfect and do no wrong, and when I try to explain my feelings to him he I feI'm stupid and ends up slamming the door and walking away,later discussing it with my oldest. I have prayed and prayed and prayed about this. I am miserable. I have tried everything I know of to no avail. I won't argue with him, and when he does or say something trying to provoke me I walk out for a minute and then go back to where he is and try to engage him in a happy tone. I have no idea where to go from here. I want to make my marriage work and I love my husband but I feel like I am not raising my kids in a healthy environment. My worst fear is that they will end up in a marriage like I have because it is all they know. I dont want them to be as hurt,confused,and miserable as I am. We were at church this morning and he kept looking at me with his hateful look I get all the time, picked up his Bible, and walked out, right before the service started, leaving me and the kids sitting there by ourselves the rest of the service, which would have been great for him to hear. When church was over we went out to the car and he was still ill as ever. We went back to the house and he got in his truck and drove off. I tried to call him but he wouldnt answer so I sent him a text and asked if he was ok, he finally sent me back a message that said yes. I was trying to get on his computer but he has now locked it with a * that he wouldnt give me so I had to wait for my daughter to finish so I could get on this. He finally came home a bit later and is cleaning his truck. I am outside doing this and have tried to speak to him but he says he doesn't want to talk to me.I feel like the devil is winning in this and refuse to let him get to me like I think he has gotton to my husband. I have given this to God but find myself more times than not giving up hope, and that scares me. I do not know what to do anymore. I searched the internet and finally found this site. I did not want to post on a non-Christian site. Please, if you have any advice, I would love to hear it.

[veggiemelt]

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[djt08]

I am not on welfare and do depend on anyone other than my husband . I received food stamps after he left as a necessity,not a priviledge.In October I will no longer be able to receive them due to the fact that he is back at home. As for a job....I have three children who go to three different schools. My youngest cannot ride the bus because he is only 6 and would arrive home 1 hour before either of my girls would get here and I have no one to watch him. My oldest goes to a school that does not provide busing. I have 1 and 1/2 semesters left to complete my degree in elementary education. I have tired on several occasions to convince my husband to allow me to go back to school. He says the money is not there and he will not be able to help me with the children. My youngest cheers and has practice daily until 5, then football and basketball games. My oldest plays softball near the end of the school year. I have tried to seek employment that would work with the hours they are at school but have found none. I am by no means a lazy person, staying at home raising three children, taking care of the house, getting everyone to and from, homework, cooking, organizing activities and school projects, etc., is not a sit around all day and eat bon bons type of job. Stay at home moms are often looked at as lazy,sorry women, with no ambition, we are far from that. It is a hard job....no vacation days, no pay, no sick days.....but it is the most rewarding job I think a person can have. My mother was a stay at home and I never looked at her as 'less than" my dad who worked to provide for us so that she could stay at home. By staying at home my husband has been free to go after his dream of starting his own business not 1 but 2 times. I have supported him in all his decisions. I would love to be able to go back to school but there is no way to work it at right now. If I were to pack up my kids and leave I would have nowhere to take them and no way to support them. I would also have no way to get anywhere since both autos are in his name and he has told me time and time again that if I take one he will call the police on me since they are company owned. I have asked him to leave before but he refuses and says that he will never leave the house and that I can just learn to live with it. I am not using Christianity as an out, I truly have faith that God will show me His way sooner or later,and do not depend on charity to survive. You seem to think that I am a truly sorry person and mother and I promise you I am not. I am in a situation that seems to have no way out. I'm sorry if I sound rude with this reply I just felt I needed to explain myself better. I have managed to raise three loving,caring,strong Christian children,whom I am very proud of. I have always been here for them to talk to about anything. My oldest daughter is almost 17 and is still a virgin,has never drank,and doesn't go to parties. She spends most of her weekends at home and has her friends come over here,as does my 13 year old daughter. When they are feeling pressured at school or by friends they come to me and we discuss it. WWJD is a common question at my home. I have taught them to pray for others as well as for themselves and they come to me with requests of prayer when their friends are going through. I always have other kids in my home and we discuss and pray about things that they are going through. I have been blessed to witness several of their friends come to Christ on bended knee in my living room. There is nothing sweeter. Many of these girls live with parents that do not attend church, some have parents that drink,cheat,or are never home. I don't want my kids to grow up in a home where neither parent is at home for them to come to and they feel they have no one to talk to. I also don't want them going to other kids parents for advice on the "hard" stuff because I am not home. It has been a joy to watch my girls grow into such strong independent young women. They are aware that due to me staying at home we had have to give up certain material things but they have never cared. I have talked to them about going to work and it scares them. They don't know how they will get here and there and do not want to be home alone all the time. My 6 year old is my child,not theirs, and they should not have to watch him all the time either. They also should not have to give up their activities because their dad has decided to separate himself from us right now. They have great grades and do several activities that will help them with college tuition. As per my earlier post. I spoke about how my husband walked out of church today and wasn't talking to anyone....I have spent most of my evening trying to get him to talk with little luck. The only thing he has really said is that he doesn't feel he should go to church feeling the way he is feeling. I believe that God and the devil are both fighting for his soul right now and that God has placed a conviction in his heart and that he knows he needs to change but is letting the devil push him away. I know that my husband has a good heart deep down, and that if enough true Christians pray for his situation that God will win this battle.