Growthtrac Community

[SAM]

Dear Lady T -

Glad to hear things are somewhat calm. Perhaps, she is beginning to realize how well taken care of she and baby were when they were staying with you. In addition to having their own space.

Are you willing to go after your husband for lack of support? Afterall, it is for your daughter and her child. I'm sure it certainly helps with food, diapers,formula, and medical expenses. It is so sad that he is so vindictive.

As for your son, you always want to help them. But, there are times when they need to fall. If he has been receiving a steady paycheck from the military (from what I recall) it sounds more like it might be financial mismanagement. Sometimes the best thing we can do for our kids is to say, "no". Especially now, since he has made a choice to leave his wife. I'm wondering if he has been spending money on "his little space"? Time to grow up, especially since he was not willing to repay you when he had 7K in his pocket.

[ladyt]

I agree SAM. I think she sees how good she has it at home with me. She also sees her dad's inappropriate behaviors, however she can look past them bc she wants his attention. I will go to child support office to complain about his non-*. He only has 3 more months to pay plus the 2 mos in arrears. She just got WIC for him so she can get most of his formula from that but pampers and his vitamins have to be paid out of pocket.

As far as my son, he does not know I know he has left. I cannot foot his bills any longer. I know why my dau was there he had her deleiver flowers, candy and a gift to a female.

His wife asked me to get the car out of repo in Feb as he went to Korea and she had just gotten a new job. She promised me she would send something each payday but that has yet to show up. I need to stop being the Bank of Mom with him and his wife. He smokes Blacks and Miles cigarettes which are EXPENSIVE for the 5 pack box. His car is worth $3k but he owes $6k. He has $2k in rims and $2.5K in stereo equipment. Unreal how he can get out of debt with my help then dive in just as soon as he gets out. He called saying if he doesn't pay it and it goes against his credit he will be booted out of the Army due to the nature of his job. His wife won't pay bills bc she states she is not paying anything by herself. Oh well, he inflicted this upon himself. I'm a single parent/grandparent and its tough for me as well. However I know how to budget.

The enemy is busy.

[km]

I remember having the "I can't bail you out on this" talk with my son.

It took a distressingly long while, and he had to hit bottom, but he did straighten out (rather nicely). He still deals with lingering fall out from the 'lost years' (such as not having gotten his college degree, and being a parent at 21), but he is on the right track now.

Stay strong dear.

[SAM]

I know why my dau was there he had her deliver flowers, candy and a gift to a female.

What married man sends his sister to do his dirty work? One who has enough money to woo a woman other than his wife, has enough money to make his own car *.

If he loses his job, the fault lies solely in this lap. He knew that going in, and he knows it if the military boots him out.
And I am sure, in this recession, and the hardships of military life, that there are many families in dire financial straits.
The military needs the men they have right now, and half -if not more, would be out of jobs if they scrutinized their credit
reports since they've been on active duty. Not saying it's not true depending of his level of security, just not probable.

[ladyt]

Exactly! He does not know how blessed he is. He and his wife need to take responsibility for their choices. Maybe after this experience they will decide if they want to make a life of this behavior. "Tough Love"

This is his mentality: Because I said I would have his sister pay his court fees because of her behavior that got him arrested and placed in jail, he asks that instead of paying that which has to be paid by Aug 19th, pay that money into his car note and he will pay his court fees of $550 by Aug 19th. He says its the same money being used so why does it matter that it goes to car or court?

I say not. Its not that its the same money, its that it was to go to court fees not car note.

BREAKING NEWS: Two challenges from my dau today. First, last night she was informed that we would leave at 10:20 to go to school orientaion. At 9:30am she was in the bed. I peeked in and asked if she had her alarm clock on and she said no. So I shared what time it was and she had to get baby ready and herself. Well she told me to leave her alone. I took baby out of bed with her and got him dressed. At 10 am she was still in bed. She got up at 10:15 am and expected to be ready at 10:20 am. We left at 10:35 am.

Secondly, I asked her to clean bathroom earlier this afternoon behind herself as it would be an embarrassment if anyone were to ask to use it in the state it was in. She told me she cleaned it earlier. Well there was gel on floor, glue on counter from gluing hair together, hair in face bowl and floor. So I asked again and she turned her head while on the phone and acted as if to say, "Stop talking to me cuz I aint doing it." So I cleaned it myself, however when she asks me to take her somewhere or to do something, I will not be available.

She wants a car. They were to send an advance on her settlement to get a car and insurance, however for some reason they must have changed their mind so she won't get it until Oct 9Th. Well she has to catch the school bus to the area school then transfer to another school bus to get to her school. The baby can ride the school bus with ehr since daycare is at her school. She does not want to ride bus with baby. She wants me to buy the car in my name and insurance and then she will "pay me back" when she gets her settlement check. Right!!! She does not want to repay me the $852 she ran up on my Internet card account.

[SAM]

I'm having a really hard time understanding how the kids feel it is their "right" to demand you to do anything.
However, from what you described of your relationship with your husband, they had a very good teacher.

The answer to any financial request from the kids is simply "no". I do not have to get into a debate with you about my decision.
There is nothing more to discuss. I am no longer your bank.

[ladyt]

SAM you sound like my dau's counselor! She says the exact thing that they had a good teacher. I give in a lot because I'm a softie but not this time. I have told both of them NO. My whole marriage I gave in to avoid conflict although my ex went weeks and months not talking to punish me about things I did or did not do. The problem was that he would never tell me what they were so I could change. I wanted to make him happy. Things got swept under the rug and then the rug became bulky and hard to walk on, now we're divorce and as sad as it is, I will say I have peace in my life other than the kids right now. God said he would be near the broken-hearted and He was and still is with me.

[SAM]

You are funny!

I know you love your kids, and wants to give them the world, like most parents do. "No" is the best thing we can say in many situations to help them move toward maturity. It helps them develop critical thinking skills so they learn to work it out on their own, or suffer the consequences of their decisions (which is even harder for a parent to watch).

[km]

I remember a number of the conversations with my son regarding "the world is a big bad place, and part of my job is to get you ready for it".

[SAM]

I'm sure you did everything you could to prepare them. It seems it was the other teacher (their dad) who worked against you, that made this a counterproductive teaching moment.

[ladyt]

km - lol...yes this world is a BIG bad place and we all need to be ready, however sometimes no matter how much we prepare, it still hits us like a ton of bricks...too funny.

SAM- Yes I did my best, however in doing so I contributed by allowing things to just happen and not confront them. I initially confronted but was emotionally beaten down to the point I gave up and just tried to please people. I have since repented because God did not create us to become rugs. Sometimes we thinks it’s spiritual to allow others to step on, use and abuse us but it’s NOT!

I was convicted that my self-worth was not being a people pleaser but knowing what God wanted me to do and be according to His will. I wanted to please my ex and kids more than pleasing God. I thank God for his mercy and grace.

"God helps those who cannot help themselves." That's MEEEEE.

[rdsmith3]

I was convicted that my self-worth was not being a people pleaser but knowing what God wanted me to do and be according to His will. I wanted to please my ex and kids more than pleasing God. I thank God for his mercy and grace.

I've been through a similar transformation.

[SAM]

RD -
There is a great book by Paul T. Coughlin called - No More Christian Nice Guy: When Being Nice--Instead of Good--Hurts Men, Women And Children. It's good for women to read too because the mirror gets reflected back in ways you do not expect, along with how we try to "feminize" our men.

[SAM]

Oops, meant to admit my own failings in this area.

I know how much scripture tells us to watch our tongues, to love, to be at peace with all...
But, I recently received a Bible with all of Jesus' words in red - it's an amazing journey to read through only the words he spoke.

Jesus wasn't a nice guy - he was a truthful guy. He spoke the truth... sometimes painfully. But, he plainly stated what he saw - didn't mince words, didn't beat around the bush and didn't try to please people - his desire was to please God. It's something I've been working on too -

Galatians 1:10 rather socked me between the eyes -

Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.