Growthtrac Community

[charity1]

camelback,
I totally understand your respect and confidence in your dad, but the problem isn't with your dad, it's in the whole situation. In your original post you stated:

his parents discovered his prob when he was still at home and his mom blew up, got on the phone and scheduled an appointment with a counselor and had my husband and his dad out the door and to this guy before he knew what happened and he resented his moms reaction. For a time his dad would say "everything ok?" and my husband found he could lie and say yes and his dad left it at that. I have no idea how my dad checks in with him or what they discuss.

I would think that if your husband couldn't open up and be honest with his own dad, it would be even harder to open up and be honest with your dad. We don't want to hurt the people closest to us, so we tend to tell them what they want to hear. Your husband needs a third party whom he knows won't be affected in any way by his deep, dark secrets. He needs a Christian counselor, someone who doesn't know him and who he won't be socializing with. That was the thing I loved about counseling. She was someone who didn't have any preconceived notions about me or my husband and could listen without bias, then afterwards I never saw her again to wonder what she was thinking. Your husband's problem definitely needs to be dealt with separate and apart from family. I strongly suggest Christian counseling for yourself in order to deal with the self-esteem issues that come from this problem and in order to accept the fact that you aren't in control of your husband. Yes, you will need boundaries, but you can't be his conscience. He has to develop that for himself. It also won't help to become his policewoman. No doubt he is already dealing with shame and guilt. Constantly checking on him will only make that worse, and if he is still dabbling, digging will make him that much more secretive. Christian counseling is definitely in order for your husband so that he can be open and honest without fear of hurting anyone. Resecured has mentioned an online program that might help your husband if he isn't willing to go to a third party just yet. You definitely don't need to sweep this problem under the rug, but you also don't need to make your husband feel like a criminal. There has to be a happy medium.