Growthtrac Community

[camelback]

I would really appreciate some advice. I used to judge women who never seemed able to forgive and get over the infidelity of their husband. Last year I stumbled upon a porn * my husband forgot to delete from his history. I confronted him and we have been rebuilding since. My father is his accountability partners and they speak about once a week. I also ask from time to time how things are going. When my husbands porn problem came out, I struggled with some of his response to it, ie. "its no big deal, most guys watch it, it's what you let it do to you.... Also his parents discovered his prob when he was still at home and his mom blew up, got on the phone and scheduled an appointment with a counselor and had my husband and his dad out the door and to this guy before he knew what happened and he resented his moms reaction. For a time his dad would say "everything ok?" and my husband found he could lie and say yes and his dad left it at that. I have no idea how my dad checks in with him or what they discuss.

Before I caught him, I knew something was up, and from time to time I get a bad feeling and I have no idea if it is fear or a legit concern....He tells me he is doing good and he speaks with my dad....how do I handle my intuition and fears? I do not want to hurt him by not trusting him, but I understand others I judged now! Do I give him over to the Lord and just trust the Lord will bring secret sins to light or do I speak with him and risk hurting him? He is very passive aggressive and when I found his porn * on the computer I told him I wanted us to get a porn filter or an online accountability filter for work and home and he got upset and basically said since he was the computer guy he could get around anything and would see the filter and see it as evidence of my refusal to forgive and trust and be more tempted..... Any way it is stuff like this that has made this whole ordeal hard for me, I know he may have confesses and know it is 100% wrong now and such, but I have no idea whats going on inside his head...

Any advice would help
Thanks

[camelback]

I just wanted to be clear, my struggle is do I leave him alone trusting his accountability with my dad is working and he is telling the truth and let the Lord do the rest or do I tell him I am struggling with how his actions towards me from time to time make me fearful and wonder if something is up.... Also, can I expect he will never have a relapse? I have heard Porn is hard to break free from. I also check browser history from time to time and it is very unsettling to see the browser history up and nothing there there. Do I have a right to ask him to promise/vow before the Lord and myself to not delete browser history......

[km]

A couple of things to consider:

1. Porn is indeed a persistent and tenacious problem. Solving the issues he has is very likely to require a very deep adressing of a number of very basic sexual issues. In order to do a complete job of it, it is likely that you'll have to do some work too. Are you up to examining your own sexual issues and to undertaking whatever personal growth you might need in order the two of you on the same page sexually (and on a page that you are both happy with)?

2. Your dad is exactly the wrong person to be his accountability partner. Other than you (or a woman in general), your dad is about the worst possible choice for that role. Can you find some other man (such as some man from your home church)?




I think the ladies here will have a number of other helpful suggestions.

[resecured]

Speaking from a personal standpoint, I will say that it would do him a world of good to either go to counseling or do a qualified online program. My husband who believed it was something that "men just do", has benefited from doing an online course through pureonline.com. It made him face realities. It changed his views even concerning mast. He would tell any man struggling with porn issues to take this program. It woke him up, period. He is still a work-in-progress but he is heading in the right direction. This program addresses the problem with scripture. I will say this also. From my perspective, he owes you some accountability. You cannot be his accountability partner, but as his wife, you are entitled to have assurance that he is working his hardest to overcome. That includes tearing down any doubts that assail your mind. Putting a filter on that only you have the * is a good start. He should be willing to be transparent with everything. Not to be, would raise a red flag for me.

-RJ-

[camelback]

I am wondering why you think my father is the wrong person for accountability. My dad is a former minister, deacon, and spiritual advisor to many. His passion is helping young husbands/fathers with this very issue. I know he is my brothers accountability partner (he struggled with porn coming out of college). At the time this happened we were in transition between churches and the old church is almost 1 hr away and we are so new at our present church there is no one there he would feel comfortable talking with. His parents have no idea this happened, I wanted to keep it between us and my dad who I went to to figgure out how to confront him.

I told my husband I was praying the Lord would reveal if/when he failed, I am just struggling with dealing with premonitions (that proved corrrect before) versus unfounded fear.

[km]

The "every man does it" (as t porn and mast.) is not true - but statistically speaking, it is not too far from being a valid "rounding off" of the true figures.

It is epidemic among men in North America (US & Canada), a real majority problem - even among the churched folk.

Your dad may well be able to help you understand how widespread and deep the problem runs - but I rather strongly believe that a man (or woman) really shouldn't be going to his (or her) parents or the in-laws for this sort of help. The family dynamics of the underlying parental/in-law relationship will very substantially affect the counseling/accountabilty partner sort of relationship. I won't say the arrangment is 100% doomed to fail, but it is not far from that (it would certainly be the way a smart person would be on the outcome).

Go with rescured's suggestions if there are no SA or other live support groups he could find near your present location.

[camelback]

I guess here is another aspect I struggle with....Before the problem came to light, we were laughing about my kids talking in their sleep and us being able to make them talk. It hit me funny when my husband said, don't ever try to talk to me in my sleep and basically get me to tell you what I am dreaming about....Since that time and the porn * I found, I really struggle with who/what he is thinking about when we are "physically" together and it really effects me mentally/physically/spi before, during, and after. As any women can tell you, a husband in porn really hurts the self image and I had problems with this before the incident....How do you deal with the insecurities, and fears like what if I do say something when we are together that makes him remember a woman or * he saw, or can I do things that make him have a harder time resisting or that triggers the temptations for porn.

I have come to a point where I realize I can't be the Holy Spirit and convict and police him, which is what I tried to do in the beginning. I panicked when I had to go away and leave him at the house alone or if I saw immodest women approaching. I still struggle with this and have to forcefully and prayerfully hand him over to the Lord and acknowledge he is not my problem, but man it is so hard not worrying, suspecting, questioning when things happen!!

[km]

This was one of the facets of the problem I was hinting at earlier. Your reaction (natural as it is) to his problem may well fed the spiral of his problem (which feeds your rective problem and on and on).

If he is a full blown sex addict, you have one set of problems, and a load of burdens that will fall upon you.

If he is not, but his porn/mast. issues are fueled in part (ladies - please note that I said "fueled in part" - not "caused") by the withdrawing on your part, and perhaps took hold fueled in part by underlying sexual inhibitions of yours that are upbringing imposed inhibitions rather than actual Scriptural prohibitions, then a piece of the solution will involve you reopening to physical intimacy and shedding some of your inhibitions.

Early on in marriage, when physical intimacy was going better (more frequency, a little more variety - although she was always very inhibited), resisting the tempations was much easier - focus could be kept where it properly (and non-sinfully) belonged. When the intimacy receeded, the temptation was more difficult to resist, and once it had some foothold, it was much harder to counter with no wholesome alternative available (and the ability of the Tempter to always be whispering in the ear that she was depriving me of what I ought to be getting at home).

I am NOT blaming wives for their husbands' failures, but wives can make it easier or harder for their husbands to succeed.

[camelback]

KM I understand your thoughts, and I have in no way "withdrawn/withheld" physically from him, and in the physical arena we still seem like newly weds, which is why the porn stuff so blew me away. I have kept my fears and struggles to myself and bury them and do not bring them up for fear it will drive him away or drive him back to porn.

[km]

If you are still a full active participant, and not scaling back (or becoming a passive partner while still submitting), then that is a great credit to you - and eliminates a lot of what he might otherwise try to use as an excuse, so as to helpful to the prognosis.

I do stand by the advice that your dad should not be the counselor (I just don't think that is likely to give the best result).

[resecured]

The one thing you have to understand is that no matter how "perfect" you try so hard to be, it will not keep him from doing what he wants to do. Living in fear is not healthy, for you, for him, most definitely not your marriage. Resentment will start to grow.

We, as wives, have every right to put boundaries on our marriage. What he is doing is not your fault. This is within him. It is between him and God. You trying to push your thoughts and feelings aside is like trying to cover up a deep wound with a little band-aid. The wound has to be clean out first or it will not heal. A wonderful friend on this site has taught me that.

I, too, try to "push" it under the proverbial rug. It doesn't work. It has to be dealt with, not sidetracked. You have to deal with your insecurties. He has to deal with his actions and thoughts. You have to be honest. He has to be honest. You cannot tiptoe around this. It will fester into something worse.

Honestly, you trying to not "rock the boat", won't work. We do not have that kind of control. It's like you remaining silent, is almost like giving him permission to continue. Crazy as that sounds, it's true.

I hope I do not come across as harsh. It's just that I know where you are and where you are heading if you continue to do what you are doing. A marriage has to be honest.

-RJ-

[SAM]

100% in agreement with KM on this - your dad should not be your husband's accountability partner. He should help your husband find another man to talk to for accountability, then step out of your marriage. Mom and dad should not be involved in their children's marital issues...period.

Been there, done that with my oldest daughter... listened to her... then recommended a mentor couple and counselor.
It's important for the two of you to work this out on your own without the involvement of your father, or his sharing of information with your mother.

It's called leave and cleave - a biblical term.

[DLW52]

Camel:

Im neutral with respect to your father being your husbands accountability partner. I can understand and agree with both sides of the arguement. There is the leave and cleave scripture, but also there a responsibility of family to be there shoud your marriage experience a crisis that could do signifcant damage. To what degree their involvement is really left up to you.

Porn is a real problem with men in the church. Many reasons why men (and some women) gravitate to such sexual exploits.
My question to you is do so the progress, however incremental, that your husbands says he is making in this area ? Sometimes a person can be sincerely doing all they can to rebuild that bridge of trust with you, only to have all of their efforts looked upon with a high degree of scrutiny and unbelief, which could lead them back to where you want to get delivered from.

[SAM]

As you see small baby steps of progress, praise him - praise him - praise him. Thank him.
If you are always on "alert" for the slip-up, he will feel that your trust in him will never be restored.

Except setbacks... they will come. This is a very difficult addiction to overcome... it is a lifetime struggle.
It does not end without continual reliance on God.

[km]

I want to chime in again on having a father-in-law as an accountability partner - and it being a bad idea.

DLW52 notes that family should be there for you when things go bad. Yes, they certainly should. But how thery are there for you makes a difference in whether, or how quickly, or how well things ever get better.

If your husband had cancer, your family should be there for you both, but your dad should not perform the surgery. Even if your dad were a great surgeon, someone else would be called in to perform the surgery. His underlying personal relationship colors his performance and clouds his judgement in a way that makes him inappropriate for do the cutting and sewing - no matter how good he might otherwise be at cutting and sewing. Same principle applies with psychological doctoring.